Soul Searching

I love catching up with good friends. This is a regular occurrence for me, every summer and winter getting together with some friends from high school to catch up with each others’ lives. I had such a get together today and I realized how much has happened in my life in a few short months (that naturally in school time feels like years). I think the majority of people hate change; it’s human nature. We cling to the familiar. I know I’ve certainly never liked change. The thing is, I’m in a period of life-change right now; what’s weird though, is I’m excited for it. There has been a lot going on under the surface in my life recently and without getting into all the sordid details I’ll just say that ultimately (and ironically) I feel like I’ve just had the world handed to me. My life has been opened up and I have the capability to really do whatever I want, when I want. The possibilities for my life just exponentially boomed. Naturally this feeds my urge to travel, but what it really feeds is my urge to live. There are so many places, events, experiences, and the like waiting for me to go out and grab them. While it may not have been overt, there has always been some things holding me down or keeping me from reaching for these things with all I’ve got. And while I still care about seeing my friends and family, those strings have all fallen away and I can just go. I can live my life and know those who are important to me will always be there when I need them.

I’m not sure how much sense this posting will make. There are so many thoughts running through my head that when I try to talk to anyone about this I end up sputtering all over the place and ultimately saying little to nothing at all. There are just so many things trying to get through that none of them are able to articulate themselves. That’s how I feel this post will ultimately turn out: a bunch of ramblings that won’t build a full coherent thought but just give a small glimpse of what I’ve already called “life-change”. I say it this way because while everyone hates change, it usually refers to a specific event or a certain area of life. What I’m talking about literally encompasses all areas of life, and to me, that’s something entirely different. This encompasses location, education, employment, …all the way down to the core pieces of who someone is as a person. I think this is part of the attractiveness of moving to nola: I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please other people that when I really stop to think, I’m not really sure how much of it is really who I am and what I want, and how much of it is solely people-pleasing. I’ve discussed before the appeal of being completely independent, but there’s also the idea of being in an area with absolutely no one I know, therefore no influences to act a certain way or do certain things. Who will emerge? I don’t know. There are parts of me that I know are fundamentally me, things that I know are truly who I am and want to be. But the more I look at my past and who I am, the more pieces I find that I’m really not sure if it was my choosing or influences from others. I think this is an amazing opportunity to really see who I am inside.

I spent four and a half hours just catching up and letting the pensiveness fly with my friend today. The last hour and a half was spent watching the sun change the colors of the sky over a twisting and turning river, reflecting each color in turn. It was beautiful and definitely let the pensiveness run rampant. I know there were so many times where I was talking and saying nothing, but it’s moments like these that really open my head up and let me start to sort out my life. This summer is a turning point. I don’t know how things will be different; I don’t know what will overtly change in my life. But things aren’t going to be the same, I know that much. This is huge. It’s life-change. And contrary to past experience, I’m running straight for it.