Here it is: the "long-awaited" entry about what has been happening in the past few months of my life and the reason why my posts have been less than scarce. The short version? I'm quitting school; I'm moving back to PA; I'm stepping up into my calling of ministry. The long version? It's full or fear, hesitation, blessings, glory, sacrifice, and honor. It's also long--if you are new to my blog, you have officially been warned; if you've been here before, well then you already understand my definition of long. But here goes nothing!
I've always had a missionary heart. I've always felt called to the high school/college age group. I've always felt like I've gone through all of the crap in my life so I can help others through it. Feel free to read any/all of my previous entries to get a sense of these things/my life. So when I graduated from ESU the same summer that Nathan moved to California with Clarity, I was dying to join them. I didn't. That was the first real calling I had felt God place on my heart and I slowly made excuses and talked it away. Almost my entire first year of grad school in New York was plagued with thoughts of guilt about this. Every day I was doing research about missions trips, getting credentialed, jobs in CA, you name it. And every day, I talked myself into staying at school. My family would be so disappointed. My old teachers/friends would look down on me. Most of my friends/family won't understand why I'm giving up an education for church. It's so far away. It's only a few years, maybe I'll go when I'm done. Maybe God didn't really put that on my heart... And on and on my mind took me; down the rabbit hole of doubt and disbelief. The funny thing is, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and there is no question that God placed that on my heart.
But God sees time differently than we do. We think time is linear--it has a beginning, middle, and end; but God sees all of time at once. He knows what He wants us to do, what we will do, and what the outcome will be. God knew I wouldn't go, but He placed that so strongly on my heart so it would affect me down the road. Until that time however, He used the fact that I stayed to build other qualities in me for when the time was right. I was awarded a teaching assistantship at school. Unlike most TA jobs though, I was actually teaching two courses without another professor interacting with my students. For all intents and purposes, I was a college professor; the only thing missing was the three little letters behind my name (PhD). I taught two classes a semester for four semesters; that's a lot of time working both one on one and with groups of teenagers as instructor, mentor, and friend. I have no doubts that God used this time to build my experience level with the exact age group He had always put on my heart.
I continued to dislike school however. In all reality, teaching was my favorite part of being at Binghamton. The program I was there to study in, was only a physical place for me to go to; mentally, I was always elsewhere. I managed to get by, but I was only biding my time and trying to make the years go by so I could finally escape the place that had become a prison to my heart. I felt like I was living a double-life; trapped in a nightmare at school, trudging through, praying the years would fly by (which is a terrible way to think in your early-twenties), versus my home life on weekends and school breaks where I was involved in church and other activities that made me feel engaged, interested, and excited. I knew I couldn't keep this lifestyle up but was too afraid to make any changes to the course that was plotted for me. Fortunately, I had several road blocks pop up a few months ago. I won't detail them here, because they sound like things got difficult and I wasn't willing to work hard or was afraid and running away or whatever. Even through the eyes of a Christian it would appear that way and I don't blame people for questioning me when I talk about it. All I can say, is that I really felt God speaking to me through these events. Basically, the time had come; all of the lessons I had been taught, all of the guilt I felt for not following His call, everything had compiled to this moment where I was meant to step out of the boat.
I started praying more deeply about everything in my life and God gave me the courage to completely rearrange it. I had made my decision: I was going to leave school. I made contact with several people about it because I wanted to be held accountable; I didn't trust myself not to chicken out. I fortunately had a lot of support from close friends and Jeremiah and the rest of the VanScoten clan. I mustered up the courage to tell my family; some took it well, others didn't, but they had no choice to accept that I am an adult and needed to "make my own mistakes" (sadly, not all of my family members are Christians, so they couldn't understand a lot of how I was feeling). As difficult as dealing with all of this was (and trust me when I say it was difficult, getting acceptance from my immediate family members took a few weeks and several "family meetings"), the hard part was still to come: I had to tell my professors, friends, and roommate up at school. I put it off for weeks. Trying to come up with any possible excuse for why I was leaving school; something I could tell them that wouldn't leave me defending my decision in days worth of debates. Nothing came; but time hadn't stopped ticking. I had no choice but to just tell them how unhappy I was and had finally made the decision to follow my heart. Honestly, my roommate and friends have not taken it well. They cried; they argued; they pleaded; they guilted; they told me I'd regret it; told me I was making a huge mistake; told me I was being dumb; heartless; immature. They still openly say I need to change my mind and that I have a few more weeks before the semester is over to correct my mistake. To say it has been hard to bear is an understatement, but thankfully God has given me peace in His plans for my life (and has been stalking me with the verse Jeremiah 29:11).
It hasn't all been as difficult however. God poured blessings and grace on me as I continued to pursue His plans regardless of the reactions of my friends. I spoke with professors in my department about it. They told me they could see I had clearly thought everything through; that they respected me too much to try to convince me to follow a path that would make me miserable; that they knew what it was like to disappoint people in pursuit of a life they wanted. They even told me they would welcome me back at any time in the future if something happened and I decided I did want the degree after all. This was a huge relief to the anxiety I had been carrying. I needed to talk to the department that I taught for as well. When I spoke to my superior, she told me she had done a very similar thing and dropped out of school very near the end; she told me all about the negative feedback people gave her and how happy her life turned out because she followed what was in her heart. She is even going miles out of her way to get me recommendations and certifications before I leave in May to help me get a job when I return home. God gave me so much confirmation through her words and actions. Words fail me at how awesome He is when I think back on these few meetings went.
While all of this has been going on in New York, I have been having meetings at my church in PA. I have become part of the leadership team for an emerging high school ministry called Outbreak. Again, words fail me at how pumped I am to be a part of this. I have no doubts in the slightest that God has called me here at exactly this time, for exactly this reason. My heart bursts for the girls I have already gotten slightly acquainted with and I can't even imagine the lives Jesus will touch through me. I couldn't possibly be more excited to know that in a few short weeks I will have moved back to PA and be around and working on this ministry full time. I am so unbelievably blessed.
So that's the story, at least, the story so far anyway. I'm finally stepping out of the boat and following Jesus for real. It's terrifying because the unknown is always terrifying; especially in this world where we are ruled by money and job titles. But more than anything it is exhilarating! If you take nothing more from this entry, take this: ignore the fear and trust God. I've always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 but I'm finally starting to live it. When you step out in faith, God provides, blesses, and honors you. All I want to do with my life is to show people how awesome He is because there is truly nothing and no one greater. He is peace, love, joy.
Step out of the boat. Don't look back. Keep your eyes on Him and you will do miracles. Philippians 4:13. Welcome home!
