I'm Seeing a Theme in My Life

Wow. There are so many different things that I want to talk about here but with school and life and everything else I have found it increasingly difficult to sit down and post on this thing. Now I look back and have maybe five different things that could have been full posts individually with more depth and meaning to all of them and unfortunately I will cram most, if not all, into one mere entry and never do them justice as I had originally intended.

I've written posts about this before in other blogs and while I always think it's semi-stupid and semi-funny to write about, there is still something behind the surface that is very important. Sadly, I am a Gleek. For those of you who have no idea what that is or are thinking of that weird spitting thing from under your tongue and are even more confused, let me help. A Gleek is someone who watches the show Glee and (unfortunately) gets too into it. Basically, Glee is a trashy show with so much ridiculous drama that I really can't stand it most times. However, as the title suggests, this is about a glee club: therefore, lots of singing. I get sucked into this stupid show all the time because of the great music they put out (mostly remakes, but they have dabbled in original works recently). So while the plot-lines drive me nuts, the music keeps me coming back. Every once in a while however, they come out with something pretty great. The episode I'm talking about is "Born This Way". The episode focuses on accepting the things you hate about yourself because you were born that way and are special for a reason. This culminates with a performance of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I had never heard this song until then (I know, I live under a rock...named gradschool; and I know this episode isn't even the most current one, but I was behind due to traveling and schoolwork) but the song is really great. I just think the entire episode was really inspiring because there are songs throughout the entire episode and the way the chose the songs to mix with the theme was incredible. There was a mash up of "Unpretty" and "I Feel Pretty" that two girls were singing while the one was going to the doctor about getting plastic surgery. It was a very powerful few minutes to watch actually. The desire that young girls face to be something they think they're supposed to be mixed with the sadness of losing who you really are leaves you a little stunned as an audience. Not that this isn't a message we're seeing more frequently these days, but it was very tactfully done and I was moved by it. Ultimately, the entire episode was very inspiring and I thought it was worth mention here because it isn't often that these messages are portrayed to the masses by people they are actually interested in mimicking.

The next thing I wanted to mention was something that has been running around in the back of my mind...I guess for a few years now actually, and in terms of it being immediately on my mind it comes and goes at select moments. Recently (I think maybe two weeks ago now) was one of those moments, although it was shorter-lived this time than most, probably because I've been so overwhelmed with the end of this semester. Many of you may know that I've played around with the idea of being a missionary for a while. I continuously try to see where God is ultimately leading me and I'm sure I pretend to hear certain things that I don't because I'm human and I don't want my world turned upside down like God calls it to be. Anyway, I've always known I was built to travel--I wouldn't have this built in passion for it, no known allergies, and no fear/dislike/sickness from planes or boats if it wasn't something I was meant to do in my life. Nathan always told us to look at what we had in our hands and not compare ourselves to others--this is one of those things I'm sure is in my hand for a reason. The thing is though, I'm not sure if I'm meant to be flitting off to Africa or elsewhere to start a ministry. I've always felt like more of a speaker, friend, and role-model more so than a minister or pastor. So this has led me to question where I'm supposed to be then. Growing up, while I would have to say my biggest passion has always been travel, the second thing I would say is writing. It has taken many forms throughout my life, but I can't remember not liking to write in some way shape or form: poems, short stories, attempted novels, blogs, and so many more, I love it all. So my thought was maybe there is something I'm supposed to do with writing and use that to travel and speak worldwide. I don't know for sure yet, I'm trying to see where I'm led without letting my personal wants to influence things, but I think that would be a really cool and amazing use of my life. Another thing I've been feeling very strongly about is my age. I'm young, and I think that is something I'm supposed to take advantage of. It started out almost as a gimmick for school--I'm impressive and worth your time because I finished undergrad early--by now I'm 23 and almost done with my PhD. This becomes a really mixed bag though. I am very proud of my accomplishments--but what do I have to be proud about? I need to be pulled down a peg or two sometimes because I let these accomplishments mean too much to me. However, I have gotten a lot of respect and admiration from my accomplishments, and while that can easily fall back into the pride problem, my point here is that it got me thinking. If people have come to respect me and look up to me because of my accomplishments in comparison to my age, shouldn't I be using that to glorify God? I've had a good deal of time to think about this and I'm sure that I'm supposed to use my age to influence people. The question is when? Where? I know each and every day should be used to glorify God and show Him to others, but I truly feel called to be going somewhere and doing it more openly than just acting in accordance with His word. This is where I get stuck and I fear not figuring it out soon enough and then, I'm no longer this young age-meant to influence a certain generation or group. I'm curious though, about this blog specifically. This may be a gateway to something I don't see yet. I couldn't even tell you the reason I started this specific blog, it was a very spur of the moment decision for me. And I've never held a blog quite as regularly as this one. Nor have I gotten as much feedback from seemingly random people about what I've written than I have with this blog. So maybe this is just the first door I need to walk through to get to the ultimate goal. I still don't know, like I said, I'm still looking for direction, but I'm slowly putting pieces together and I know there has to be something going on under the surface here.

It's hard sometimes to keep your eyes on God and trust that what you're hearing is form Him and not a manipulation of many other things in life. But there are certain moments, when you have no doubts, none whatsoever, that you have been blessed and that God was holding you in that moment. There is no way to describe the feeling of peace and excitement that comes with 100% knowing God's touch; this weekend was one of those moments. A great friend of mine, Kayla, ran a marathon yesterday. I know she was really nervous and psyching herself out the whole time: she had completed a marathon years earlier, and when she attempted another, she ultimately dropped out. This has been plaguing her ever since and it has been killing me to watch her torture herself with it. The only thing that could help her overcome was to complete another one: so the gauntlet was thrown and yesterday was her day for personal redemption. I had no doubts that she could do it but I knew she would get into her head and start psyching herself out so I was worried for her. Apparently, around mile 12 she ended up feeling sick, plus having pain, and of course, the mental psyche-out had begun. I could have cried when she ran passed us at one point, I didn't want her to torture herself for something I knew she was more than capable of doing. We caught up with her at another point where I had decided I would run a few blocks with her to see if I could get her spirits up a bit. Worth a shot right? That was where God stepped in. And while I had fleeting moments of knowing He was there (partially because my "Team Kayla" shirt was decked out in scripture, partially because a lot of runners commented about how great the shirt was, and partially for other reasons soon to come), I didn't put too much thought into it until after. To make a long story short, I ran 8 miles, in jeans, after not having done any real athletic activity in about two months. I went with Kayla from mile 17 to 25 and she was definitely in better spirits when I left her than when I joined her. Rhi, Kayla's roommate, caught up with us right at 25 and took her the rest of the way in. There was blessing after blessing in that hour-ish time. And so many things that are a slap in the face that duh! God knows what's going on and has had it planned forever. Case in point (silly as it may sound): I haven't worn sneakers in months, even with the cold Binghamton weather, I've been wearing flip flops because I'm in rebellion against the cold and demanding nice weather. So, any ideas as to why I wore sneakers to that race? In Delaware-a place significantly warmer than Binghamton. Top that off with the fact that I had actually brought my running sneakers instead of my other ones. Small, stupid even, but a pretty big coincidence if you ask me (and I've said before, I don't really believe in coincidences anymore). But like I was saying, God did so many things in that time: I have a recurring hip problem from running on pavement in high school; I have never run 8 consecutive miles in my life; I haven't run at all in about two months; I have a really sore side from Friday, so even walking at times during the weekend hurt a little; I was wearing tight, denim jeans. And yet- the whole time I ran I felt no pain, no discomfort, and all else considered, no exhaustion. God held me so I could jabber on about nonsense and try to distract Kayla and lift her spirits. God lifted her spirits through me-I was used by God-that's so cool! I'll never be so excited about being used by anyone, haha. I called it quits at mile 25 and right as I told Kayla to push on, and felt terrible about sending her off alone, I looked up and bam! There's Rhi, heading right to her to take over where I had to stop. Rhi even said afterward that she never planned to come that far up the course, one thing led to another and it just kind of happened. Not only did Kayla complete her race and completely conquer all of the bad memories from the last one, but she didn't walk once during this race-a brand new accomplishment for her! I'm so, so proud of her for getting through the day. And I'm beyond excited about all of the blessings that were poured on us during that race; retrospectively it's all just so amazing to see how the pieces so perfectly fit together. It was definitely one of those moments I will always look back on and feel God's presence and blessings.

There were a few other things I wanted to bring up in this entry but I think I'll save them for another time since they aren't as in-keeping with the theme I've managed to build here. So I guess I'll just finish this up by saying never doubt that God has you in the palm of His hand; and when you least expect it, He'll show you how much he loves you and let me tell you-it's really overwhelming, but worth every second of pain, anxiety, or sorrow you've dealt with. He is awesome.