No. More. Compromises.

I've been going through a lot lately. Which is probably why it has taken me over a month to update this: between feeling guilty or hypocritical or sheerly being busy it has continuously been pushed aside. I've been having a really good time this summer hanging out with my friends and doing a lot of things I typically don't do. Not that any of these things are really terrible in the grand scheme of things but for the person I am and the values I hold these are definitely non-typical and a bit surprising for me. I try to justify them and talk myself into believing that 'it's ok because I never do this' or 'I deserve a break' after dealing with so many difficult things, but the truth of the matter is that it's not ok and I've been compromising who I am just to fit in with this world and take a vacation from the struggles of my life. I've had a lot of truth spoken to me over the past few weeks and while it touched me it has basically come in one ear and gone out the other, sitting just off my shoulder where I think of it here and there and know I should actively seek out that truth and embrace it rather than let it slowly slip to the wayside like I have been. Today pastor said several things that spoke right to me and I refuse to keep letting these things fall to the wayside. So I'm committing right now to more actively be the person I know I'm called to be and quit making all of these compromises that only end up upsetting me more than I started after the instant gratification wears off.

I'm not really a person who has ever had self-esteem issues or cared much what others thought of me. I know I'm not perfect and I know plenty of people don't like me for this reason or that but for the most part I'm comfortable in my skin. I like certain things, I act the way I act, and if people don't like that it hasn't really bothered me because I'm not compelled to change who I am. There's only one of me and I embrace that; why become a carbon copy of someone else and let your uniqueness fall off the earth? What I've been struggling with though, has been compromising. The unfortunate thing is that it has been happening on such a small scale and for such a long time that I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up until I finally stopped, took a look around, and had no idea where or who I was anymore. I've struggled with indirect conflict because I hold specific values and others do not. Basically, I had spent almost six years in a relationship that started out on the same page and then suddenly we took diverging routes. I continually made compromises to who I was because I thought if only I took this one step in that direction it would fix the relationship and we'd be back to the happy days we had in the past. I was continually forced to make these compromises until, like I said, I suddenly didn't know who I was anymore. My faith was used against me and I was told to forgive as many times as I was wronged, to sacrifice, and so many other things. But when both people aren't using the same rule book, things will never work how they're supposed to. I felt used and manipulated, which makes me mad at myself because I always thought I was stronger than that, and it only made the ultimate fallout so much worse. I don't go into all these details and say these things to give a bad reputation to the person involved (because obviously most people reading this will know exactly who I'm talking about), and after all a relationship is two people and I know I did so many things wrong there too, but the point is, it has been a huge learning experience in my life. Whether you actively change who you are in attempt to gain acceptance or if you make these small compromises of character that build on top of one another, you are losing the person God made you to be. I'm not saying compromising on things is always bad, but I refuse to go down a road where I am forced to no longer be myself ever again.

That's what this summer has been all about for me. I needed to re-learn who I was and commit that to memory so I never let myself stray again. I'm not fully there yet; I've made a lot of excuses and bad choices so far, but I'm still learning, still growing. I know who I don't want to be, what I don't want in my life. I have learned what things I enjoy doing and will maintain those in my future. I am actively going to pursue the things I know are good for my health-physically and spiritually. I've reached a turning point today. I spent a month and a half acting my age (which unfortunately, I mean as an insult considering the stereotype of my generation) and now I'm ready to step back up to be the woman I am called to be. I am a daughter of God and I am going to do everything I can to glorify Him through my life. Actions speak, words lie. But it's so much more than just actions, it's an attitude of the heart. I'm on fire now; my path is finally clear and I'm running head first into the life meant for me. There's no time to waste: change comes now. No more compromises.

* * *

"You turned away when I looked you in the eye,

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,

Seems like you're fighting for your life,

But why? Oh why?

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere,

And there's always scars,

When you fall that far.

We lose our way,

We get back up again,

It's never too late to get back up again,

One day you will shine again,

You may be knocked down

But not out forever..."

-Get Back Up (tobyMac)