Flooded with Power and Authority; Overcome with Humility

I've spent the better part of the last two days trying to explain to people what has been going on in my life the last two weeks and even now I still am failing miserably at finding words to convey the impact Outbreak and our ministry is having on me.

This past week Outbreak was blessed to be able to take over regular Sunday church. To sum it up: we were a hit. Everything went over so well, John's message was great, and as far as I can tell, everything went flawlessly. I know everyone attending was blessed by the word John preached. I know those of us helping run the show that day left on such a Jesus high because we were just so blown away by everything. But no one will every fully know what this day meant to me and how immensely my spiritual walk was affected.

The funny thing is, I went into this being terrified of having to pray on stage, thinking this would be a huge step forward for me in that aspect of my faith; I left that day with praying in public not even being on my radar. As you may or may not have read in my last post, I was asked to speak about tithing in front of the congregation for both services and then pray over the offering. I was very nervous about this all morning, but it went very well actually. The second service went much better than the first (not that first was even bad) but a practice run will help anyone improve. After I had already done it once, it wasn't really a big deal anymore. What really shook my foundations was what happened after I prayed for second service.

Let me take a step back here, and fill you in on a few things before I pick up and finish that thought. A few days earlier John called me and asked if I wanted to baptize the girls from our group during second service on Sunday. I said I would love to, how amazing of an opportunity is that? Honestly though, after I agreed, I didn't really think about it much; I was still really nervous about the praying thing, so that consumed every other thought. On Saturday night however, we had a meeting to go over how the next day would work and start setting things up. Two things happened here that really struck home. First, John read us all a scripture that is now planted in my heart and will forever remain a focal point of this crazy journey God has put me on. The verse is Jeremiah 1:5-10:

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said, “Look, I have put my words in your mouth! Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms. Some you must uproot and tear down, destroy and overthrow. Others you must build up and plant.”

The second thing that happened, was that John was explaining to us how unheard of it was for us to do what we were doing. Basically, anyone else who has taken the stage to preach for Sunday service has had to be certified and on staff for a long time and have gone through a lot of other things before they were able to take that big step. John however has been on staff only a few months and has not even been certified in ministry yet, so it is a huge deal that this is happening. Clearly God is showing Himself in all of this to let it happen. What struck me about this though, was even though John was talking about himself with this, it was hitting home for me as well. When I was baptized at this church six years ago, I was told I could have person A, B, or C baptize me because they were an elder of the church and  had been around long enough to be fully immersed in everything on this church campus. Maybe things have changed since then, but it felt pretty unheard of for me to be stepping into this tub to do the baptizing. It finally struck me during this meeting just how great of an honor this was.

So after I prayed for the offering in second service, I was blessed to announce that we would be performing baptisms while the band continued to play. I went backstage and after Jeremiah baptized the guys, I stepped down into that tub and began baptizing the girls. I stood in that water, looking up at the first girl walking down at me, and all I could think was what authority do I have to be standing in this tub baptizing people? This thought was playing on repeat in my head as I watched this girl approach me; it was a thought of humbleness though, not a thought of worthlessness. I began to speak into the first girl's ear and as I did the same question was still running through my spirit; however, I could also feel an overwhelming power and authority rushing through my body. My authority; My power; that is what you have. I have given it to you to touch the nations. Touch their hearts; change them; bring them home to me. Whoa. This flood of power and authority rose in me, overflowed, and poured out into these girls as each one was brought to their symbolic death.

I will never be the same. I hope they will never be the same either. These girls have thanked me over and over again--during service, after service, later that night on facebook--for what I did for them by baptizing them. I try to explain it but they will never know what they did for me that morning. I'm not exaggerating when I say I will never be the same. I have honestly never felt this way in my walk with Christ.

After service ended I ran into Hope. Hope is a wonderful woman of God with a generous, loving, beautiful spirit. Hope is the woman who baptized me six years ago. We both felt it; there is a bond from sharing an experience like baptism. We clung to each other with tears in our eyes as she told me how proud she was of me and how excited she was for what God was doing in my life. She explained what an amazing feeling it was for her to see me baptizing because it was like a passing down of the generations. She felt a sense of pride for me since she had been the one there for me. Even now, tears come to my eyes thinking about it. There is just such an emotional connection that it comes bursting out of me in unexpected ways (especially if you know my aversion for crying in public). I also feel like all of these words are superficial; I honestly don't know if the words exist to truly grasp the feelings that we shared in that moment. All I know is that I was truly struck to the core by it.

So here I am, feeling like a completely different person, shocked and awed at how different my life is from two days ago, a week ago, a month ago. Here I am, less than an hour away from the first meeting of a young adult girls group that I am leading. Here I am, completely humbled, completely at peace, completely loved. Here I am, watching with wonder at what God will do next, excited for whatever part He has in store for me. God is so good. Jesus will change your life forever. Try Him, nothing will ever be more worth it.

God is a Comedian

Isn't it funny how we can let every excuse possible get in the way of things? I said I was coming home to work on ministry and would have a lot more time open to updating this thing and yet, here I am, several months from my last post, trying to recap it all in a few paragraphs, again. Ha. The thing is though, it is hard sometimes to feel like I have something significant enough to say. If I'm going to type a long post for people to read, I'd like it to be meaningful and worthwhile, you know? I know I ramble a lot but I don't want to really waste everyone's time either. And that it what has me finally logging back on here today: something significant, at least to me it is anyway.

The short version of the last few months is this: while I was occupied with school things, I was doing really well about trusting God to provide in terms of a place to live and a job and everything else. The minute I actually came home and was living my sister's spare bedroom without a job, that trust all but disappeared. I spent weeks stressing about getting a job and applying like mad to everything I could find. I'm not saying looking for a job is a bad thing, but when you hear God telling you to do things, you have to trust Him to follow through with the entire plan. There is no such thing as 50% trust; you either do, or you don't, end of story. The point is, as soon as I got home I spent all of my time fretting over how to survive with worldly things and didn't spend a single thought on any of the reasons I was actually called home to begin with. I finally took a look around and realized how out of whack I let my priorities slip. Something had to give, and God was so ready for it.

Months ago, I purchased the book Sun Stand Still to read for our ministry at Outbreak. To be completely honest, I didn't read it right away. I was on fire for the big changes in my life and fully distracted by them (and closing the chapter of my life in Binghamton) that I didn't get around to it. But like I always say, I don't believe in coincidences; so when I finally did pick up this book and start reading it, it was in that exact moment that I needed to turn my priorities around. It is a great book and definitely kicked my butt into gear. I went home that night and prayed in my car for God to help me re-prioritize and to help push me forward to do the things He wants me to do.

The very next night at Outbreak, John asked me to come up on stage and pray for the entire group. This may not seem like a huge deal to most people, which is why everyone thought I was crazy for being as freaked out as I was over it. To me however, this has always been a huge fear. Ask me to talk on stage? Sure. Ask me to be an idiot in front of a group of people? No problem. But for some reason, praying in public has always terrified me. For years I had a family asking me to pray over meals and I pleaded with them for long minutes before they would finally have someone else do it. Why does this freak me out so much? I have no clue. None. It's not rational. Yet, it has always been the biggest "flaw" in my Christianity. So I'm standing in front of the stage worshipping, counting the seconds for the songs to end when I will have to ascend the stairs, grab a mike, and try to say something coherent, when I just start laughing. All of the sudden I can just see so much humor in the situation. God knows our hearts. He knows every little thing about us. I have an idea of where God plans for me to be in the future, it was the journey to get there that I've been clueless on. So when I prayed for God to get me going, He thought, "Ok, you want to be a leader? I'll make it happen, but first I want you to do the one thing that terrifies you most." I'm not sure if you can see the humor in this or not, but it all hit me at once and was absolutely hilarious. God is awesome, and while I was still terrified to talk into that microphone, I could just feel Him chuckling at how silly I was being about it.

As with most things that scare us, when I finished praying I came off the stage thinking it wasn't so bad and unsure of why it terrifies me so. What I said was fine, and while I was so nervous that I spoke softly and it was really hard to hear me, everyone told me it was great and were really supportive. What's so terrifying about people loving you? But God's humor is not a momentary thing. I knew I had just broken a barrier with this one prayer on a public stage, but I did not know how things would progress from here. I had these glamorous visions of preaching a message the next week as if I was hot stuff because of one barely audible prayer. Why are we always so prideful? Clearly, no such thing happened. What did happen however, was that I was invited to a staff meeting where the ante was upped and my bluff was called. Ok, I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers. That was doable; I had survived. But hey, why don't you pray over our meeting? Yea, the meeting with all of the lead pastors in the church. That's not scary at all. Do you sense the sarcasm? But at least I'm keeping God entertained because He certainly was beyond a mere chuckle now. Again, it went well, and afterward I felt accomplished and knew I was making progress through this fear. An hour and a half later however, God had tears in His eyes laughing at me. I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers; I even prayed in front of the small group of pastors; now I get to pray in front of the entire adult congregation on Sunday morning, for both services. God has a wild sense of humor; He is hilarious. And I'm terrified, but so stoked at what He is doing in my life: huge things are coming.

So along with God doing these crazy things in me to help me on the path he has carved out for my life, I'm about to launch a girls small group out of Outbreak. We'll meet every other week and I'll be heading it up. I even have keys to the church now. God is wild. It's insane to me to see how my life has progressed in the last month, let alone the last six months. Huge things are happening in me and in the church. I'm so blessed and humbled by what God is able to make happen and I can't wait to watch it develop in me and everyone around me. I may not have a job, I may be living in my sister's spare bedroom, I may not be able to pay my bills next month, but you know what? Life is good. God is awesome and when you make Him your number one priority, nothing else can hold you down. Trust Him completely and He will make your wildest dreams come true, not to mention keep your head above water in the mundane tasks of everyday life.

Until next time!