Isn't it funny how we can let every excuse possible get in the way of things? I said I was coming home to work on ministry and would have a lot more time open to updating this thing and yet, here I am, several months from my last post, trying to recap it all in a few paragraphs, again. Ha. The thing is though, it is hard sometimes to feel like I have something significant enough to say. If I'm going to type a long post for people to read, I'd like it to be meaningful and worthwhile, you know? I know I ramble a lot but I don't want to really waste everyone's time either. And that it what has me finally logging back on here today: something significant, at least to me it is anyway.
The short version of the last few months is this: while I was occupied with school things, I was doing really well about trusting God to provide in terms of a place to live and a job and everything else. The minute I actually came home and was living my sister's spare bedroom without a job, that trust all but disappeared. I spent weeks stressing about getting a job and applying like mad to everything I could find. I'm not saying looking for a job is a bad thing, but when you hear God telling you to do things, you have to trust Him to follow through with the entire plan. There is no such thing as 50% trust; you either do, or you don't, end of story. The point is, as soon as I got home I spent all of my time fretting over how to survive with worldly things and didn't spend a single thought on any of the reasons I was actually called home to begin with. I finally took a look around and realized how out of whack I let my priorities slip. Something had to give, and God was so ready for it.
Months ago, I purchased the book Sun Stand Still to read for our ministry at Outbreak. To be completely honest, I didn't read it right away. I was on fire for the big changes in my life and fully distracted by them (and closing the chapter of my life in Binghamton) that I didn't get around to it. But like I always say, I don't believe in coincidences; so when I finally did pick up this book and start reading it, it was in that exact moment that I needed to turn my priorities around. It is a great book and definitely kicked my butt into gear. I went home that night and prayed in my car for God to help me re-prioritize and to help push me forward to do the things He wants me to do.
The very next night at Outbreak, John asked me to come up on stage and pray for the entire group. This may not seem like a huge deal to most people, which is why everyone thought I was crazy for being as freaked out as I was over it. To me however, this has always been a huge fear. Ask me to talk on stage? Sure. Ask me to be an idiot in front of a group of people? No problem. But for some reason, praying in public has always terrified me. For years I had a family asking me to pray over meals and I pleaded with them for long minutes before they would finally have someone else do it. Why does this freak me out so much? I have no clue. None. It's not rational. Yet, it has always been the biggest "flaw" in my Christianity. So I'm standing in front of the stage worshipping, counting the seconds for the songs to end when I will have to ascend the stairs, grab a mike, and try to say something coherent, when I just start laughing. All of the sudden I can just see so much humor in the situation. God knows our hearts. He knows every little thing about us. I have an idea of where God plans for me to be in the future, it was the journey to get there that I've been clueless on. So when I prayed for God to get me going, He thought, "Ok, you want to be a leader? I'll make it happen, but first I want you to do the one thing that terrifies you most." I'm not sure if you can see the humor in this or not, but it all hit me at once and was absolutely hilarious. God is awesome, and while I was still terrified to talk into that microphone, I could just feel Him chuckling at how silly I was being about it.
As with most things that scare us, when I finished praying I came off the stage thinking it wasn't so bad and unsure of why it terrifies me so. What I said was fine, and while I was so nervous that I spoke softly and it was really hard to hear me, everyone told me it was great and were really supportive. What's so terrifying about people loving you? But God's humor is not a momentary thing. I knew I had just broken a barrier with this one prayer on a public stage, but I did not know how things would progress from here. I had these glamorous visions of preaching a message the next week as if I was hot stuff because of one barely audible prayer. Why are we always so prideful? Clearly, no such thing happened. What did happen however, was that I was invited to a staff meeting where the ante was upped and my bluff was called. Ok, I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers. That was doable; I had survived. But hey, why don't you pray over our meeting? Yea, the meeting with all of the lead pastors in the church. That's not scary at all. Do you sense the sarcasm? But at least I'm keeping God entertained because He certainly was beyond a mere chuckle now. Again, it went well, and afterward I felt accomplished and knew I was making progress through this fear. An hour and a half later however, God had tears in His eyes laughing at me. I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers; I even prayed in front of the small group of pastors; now I get to pray in front of the entire adult congregation on Sunday morning, for both services. God has a wild sense of humor; He is hilarious. And I'm terrified, but so stoked at what He is doing in my life: huge things are coming.
So along with God doing these crazy things in me to help me on the path he has carved out for my life, I'm about to launch a girls small group out of Outbreak. We'll meet every other week and I'll be heading it up. I even have keys to the church now. God is wild. It's insane to me to see how my life has progressed in the last month, let alone the last six months. Huge things are happening in me and in the church. I'm so blessed and humbled by what God is able to make happen and I can't wait to watch it develop in me and everyone around me. I may not have a job, I may be living in my sister's spare bedroom, I may not be able to pay my bills next month, but you know what? Life is good. God is awesome and when you make Him your number one priority, nothing else can hold you down. Trust Him completely and He will make your wildest dreams come true, not to mention keep your head above water in the mundane tasks of everyday life.
Until next time!
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