Convictions of a Spiritual Awakening

Ok, so I know it has been...five months? Since I've posted here. The main reason for that is because this has been the busiest semester of my life to date and hopefully, the last. While I should spend much more than a few sentences catching you all up on my life since July, that's all you're going to get because I have something far more important to me that I want to say here now while it's fresh rather than going into full details of the last few months. I might get around to giving more details on these past months in a later post after my stress level has dropped significantly.

So here's the last five months in as much of a nutshell as I'm capable: if you've been reading this blog at all you know the summer was my soul-searching identity crisis. Well, to ruin the ending, I found myself. I'm in a new (well, new four and a half months ago now) relationship and it is the healthiest, most true and loving relationship I've ever been in in my life and I'm more than blessed to have had this fall into my lap like it did. I fought myself hard about even starting the relationship because I was truly committed to being single and moving a lot and doing a lot of solo things for the next few years, but sometimes you just can't fight God's plans; and I'm thankful I didn't. I couldn't have asked to be in a better place or to be treated any better. I've had some relationship issues with friends, and I'm not sure where things really stand even at this point, but I've given the entire thing to God and trust in His timing and judgement. And, like I mentioned before, I've been living the busiest, most stressful semester of my life. This is my last semester of coursework. So, I'm taking three graduate courses, writing my prospectus, writing proposals, essays, budgets, and more for fellowships (I'll talk more about that in a later post), taking an undergraduate Arabic course because it's important for my future/dissertation, and teaching two writing courses. Add to all of that stress and sheer volume of work, the fact that I have my comprehensive exams the week of January 16th (happy birthday to me...). This is writing two essays a day, about 15 pages each essay, for three days. These essays require arguments and a lot of outside sources to be cited. Oh, and I have to know all of those sources, their arguments, and the criticisms to those arguments, from memory, no open books whatsoever. Needless to say, my stress level has been sky high and beyond having an insane amount of work all semester, I've had comps and studying for them looming and taking up more of the little time I have. So this week ahead is my finals week; meaning that I have no time to do anything whatsoever beyond school stuff until Friday. And instead of Friday being this wonderful end to the stress (and the start of the wonderful week long post-finals coma) it just means I now have the time to truly dedicate to studying for comps. I've already warned my family I will be reading note cards all through Christmas dinner, and I will be returning to Binghamton as soon as the holiday week is over, so I can move into the library.

So, with that brief life-update in mind, I clearly should not be distracting myself by writing this post; and certainly not now of all possible times. But like I mentioned before, I feel really convicted right now, and sometimes, I really have to disregard my responsibilities and just share the blessings and teachings God puts on my heart. I just wont be sleeping tonight to make up the work time. Anyway, God has been doing crazy things in me recently. It vaguely started a few months ago for reasons I'll get to in a minute, but it really started to take shape when we begin the series "Bold" at church. I won't go into the details here, I actually have a complete post I'd like to dedicate to that, but the gist is we need to be bold. Simple right? But it's pretty intense when you think about it. We care so much about our reputations and how we are perceived in this life. It actually makes me sick to think about because (while things aren't so great in our country these days) in the U.S. we have the freedom to go to church and have faith in whatever we choose. Realistically, the consequences we get by being openly bold with are faith is that people will mock us. Yes, I realize there are sometimes more legitimate consequences, but for the most part, we just hate being picked on. So while we hide in the shadows, there are people all of the world who are literally being tortured and killed for even showing a hint of a Christian faith. It's maddening that we're so selfish; and frankly, it pisses me off because I know I'm just as guilty of this. But I'm digressing (be prepared for a lot of this); the series was about boldness in life, in prayers, in obedience, and so on. It really struck something in me; I'm not sure I can even pinpoint it, but something started in me with this series.

Then, I start receiving all of these blessings at the most random times and from the most random places. I was talking to Jeremiah's youngest brother Jack a week ago. Jack is 12, loves to shoot people up in video games, and while I have no doubt he has a solid faith in God, is your average 12 year old boy just dealing with life as the youngest brother and is generally underestimated. Well, he showed me a drawing he was working on last week. It was a rose, with roots, and this bursting color coming out of the petals. He told me he wanted to write "faith" and Jesus" in the roots; he then proceeded to tell me that when we have a solid faith in Jesus (he indicated to the roots), the thorns of life (he indicated the thorns on the rose) can't touch us and we will blossom (he indicated to the busting colors). Whoa. Who saw that coming? I didn't, certainly not at midnight from Jack who is generally running around doing 12 year old boy things. I was blown away and put into a spiritual high because he just touched my heart and I just saw so much potential in him and his future at that moment. It was truly inspiring.

The other blessings I've been having, started before the bold series started, but has been a weekly blessing, including today, and I truly believe will continue to be a blessing in many future weeks. Now, bear with me because I know this is going to start out sounding really silly. Tim Tebow. There's been a lot about him in the media lately and I see so much coming from this. For those of you who are still lost; Tim Tebow is the current quarterback of the Denver Broncos. I've been a Broncos fan most of my life, so obviously, I love that he's winning games for us (again, for those unaware-we started the season with a different QB, we only won one game and had lost four; including today, for every game Tebow has played since those first five, he has only lost one and has won seven). But this has become so much more than football to me. I love the sport, I love winning; but this guy has truly captured my heart. But the point of this isn't just to praise Tebow; I've got bigger plans than that.

I keep joking that Tebow is taking years off of my life; each game we win comes down to the last seconds, and quite often overtime, before I can breathe again and sit back off the edge of my seat. Tebow isn't perfect; he's got a lot to work on; but as far as any professional athlete can be, he's real. Tebow has been persecuted a lot because anytime his team scores or wins a game, he points to the sky thanking God. His "touch down dance" is getting on a knee in prayer. Obviously, mainstream media and commentators have been having a field day with this. Yet, the "Tebow magic" has led to seven incredible victories. Jeremiah commented a few weeks ago that the Broncos keep winning because they have God's favor. This may sound silly, but Jeremiah elaborated on this better today (not that I didn't agree the first time). He said that this is exactly how God operates. He uses an imperfect vessel to accomplish great things. He used Moses, a guy who could barely speak, to lead an entire people out of slavery. Now, I realize football and saving a nation are vastly different, but like I already said, Tebow isn't necessarily a great QB. Obviously he plays pro football and won the Heisman trophy in college, so he has skills, but he has shown many areas where he is lacking. It's one of those times where God uses the weak to lead the strong. And I agree, I think God is showing the Broncos favor. Even with all of the persecution, Tebow has never wavered in declaring his faith and thanking God through the games and victories. When they interview him after games the first thing he says is that he has to thank his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because that's how they got where they did.

Something big is coming. I feel it deep in my soul. God is preparing to turn our nation on its head; I have no doubts. I was on another high (not only from the nail-biting victory of tonight's game, but like I said, this is so much more than football now) after the game and had a two hour car ride to really think. I make this drive often, and find it a great place to pray and convene with God. I can pray out loud which helps my A.D.D.-self stay focused, and I blast worship music and feel like I'm using this time much more productively. So tonight, I fell into an intense state of worship; I was praying so rapidly and deep and was saying things before I had a chance to process what I was thinking. I literally prayed the entire two hour ride and basically had to tell myself to shut up because I was walking through my front door and didn't need to freak out my roommate for "talking to myself". I had a lot of revelations and a lot of convictions during these two hours and that's really why I'm writing this post at all.

So, I was on this high from Tebow, and as I prayed I felt like God was agreeing that He was showing favor. Obviously, I don't know that this will happen, this is really just how I envision God making His point, but I could honestly see the Broncos beating the Packers in the Super Bowl. The Packers are currently undefeated; they beat the Broncos earlier this season with our first QB. And like I said, I have no reason to believe this will happen, for all I know the Broncos could lose every game for the rest of the season, I just think it would be the ultimate way for God to show what He's doing. An upset team beating an undefeated team for the title. I'm not saying that what God is doing is picking a favorite team, or showing the importance of football. I am saying that God has big things in store. Huge. Change is coming. I truly believe that this is one step He is making to shift the entire culture of our nation. Football, in reality, is silly and pointless. But, the Superbowl has the biggest viewing audience than any other program on television. To me, it makes sense to put an athlete (an occupation we tend to covet in this country) in a position to glorify God with millions of witnesses. There have already been so many people who criticize Tebow, and I know this will never stop; realistically it'll only get worse. But the potential for thousands of people to see what God can do, and for any of that audience to feel an inkling of curiosity about Jesus is truly incredible. God has placed this man into one of these highly coveted roles of a professional athlete. While most of them act in a certain manner we've come to expect in sports, we're seeing something different with Tebow. A lot of people hate it, most can't explain it, but God's glory is shining through Tebow's position and success. The potential for a cultural upset here is huge. I truly believe this cultural upset is coming. Maybe not through a Broncos Superbowl; but it's coming.

I feel like I had several pieces of the puzzle shown to me during my drive tonight. I don't see the whole picture, I may never, and the pieces I see now aren't even fully connected; but there are little snippets all over the place. My vision is of only one tiny particle of the big picture and I can boldly tell you a cultural revolution is coming. The fact that I can say that, and I know sheerly how much of the picture I can't see, overwhelms me to no end. I can feel this change on our heels and realistically, I have no idea about what's coming in the slightest. Whoa.

I'm inarticulate in my head about just how much this means to this world, let alone to explain it here. Here's the gist: we're talking about the different Innovation campuses on the East Coast, Clarity is out on the West Coast (I've heard Nathan talk about how he believes God has them on either side of the country for a reason, and I believed him; but I've had my own glimpse into the truth of that tonight. Wow.), there are famous people like Tebow upsetting the sports enthusiasts across the country, there are little people across the nation (like myself with this blog--part of the reason why I was so convicted to write this now instead of grading papers) expressing their faith in various ways. All of these snippets and more are in my sight and I feel this revolution coming. And yes, I use the word revolution because there will be a dividing line. Critics will become more cynical; many people will harden their hearts to "those damn Christians trying to impose their views on everyone else"; but so many people will be exposed to God. People will just know there is something special and different about any one of these people they encounter and their lives will be changed forever as the Holy Spirit touches them.

We're in the end times. I don't understand God's time, and honestly, I've never spent much time studying the book of Revelation, but I know we're in the end times. Whether the end times encompasses ten minutes, a decade, or a century I have no clue; so I can't say any of this in relation to anything even remotely on a time frame. But tonight I just felt like I was looking at the country, like a map of it or something, and it was completely enshrouded in darkness. But we can't be "a light in the darkness" if all we have are puny one-double-A-battery-sized flashlights. I saw fire. Blazing, hot, balls of fire. There was a big one on the West Coast, a Big one on the East Coast, and a bunch of small ones scattered all over the nation. This is what we're called to be. God took the passion already burning in my heart and turned the gas on high tonight. That's what we all need to do. If we're not blazing with a fire so out of control, how can we expect the flames in our hearts to spread like wild fire across the nation? This is what's coming. I think Tebow is triggering little sparks nationwide. Sure, at the same time the darkness is growing ever-thicker; but new flames emerge every day.

Tebow's not the only one sparking flames, we all have the capability, he's just in a position to reach a national audience. But that's his calling. Not mine. Not yours. We were all made to do a specific job for God. We all went through our pasts to help condition and hone ourselves to be a better tool for that job. It takes time and dedication to God to even get a glimpse of what that job may be. I've written before about some of the things that I know God has put into me and I had confirmation with those tonight, as well as a half-step more of insight into my future. I'll never see the whole picture, and I never have to, all I have to do is trust and listen. But most importantly, I have to do everything in my power to keep the gas to my flame turned on high. That is the only way I can have the strength and courage to stand up about my faith regardless of persecution as Tebow does. That's the only way I can boldly live for Jesus, boldly pray for direction, and boldly follow His commands for my life. Tonight has truly been the most spiritual encounter I've ever had and I have no doubts things will only get deeper from here. But I just feel convicted. Convicted to share my observations. Convicted to share the insights God gave me. And convicted to make you more convicted. Change is coming. The revolution is upon us. Is your gas on high or is your flame going to be stamped out at the first hint of darkness? God's a gentleman, it's your choice to decide. All I can say is I'd rather be swept up in the flame than drown in the darkness. I can't wait to see how the fire erupts from famous people, "little" people, and church congregations world wide. God's glory is amazing; watching His plans unfold is awe-inspiring. I've certainly been inspired; and all I can do is hope that you've been impacted in some way too.

What a Coincidence!

God will never cease to amaze me by what leaps and bounds He does things in my life. The last three days have been so powerful for me I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll refer back to what I’ve said several times in the past: I don’t believe in coincidences, not anymore. If you follow this blog or know me at all, you know this summer has been more or less an identity crisis for me. I’ve spent most of my time re-learning who I really am and what I want in my life and where my heart is.

Naturally, as I finally try to close this uncertainty in my life, Nathan comes from Santa Monica to preach at Emerge and speaks from Colossians; he talks all about identity and the necessity of knowing who you are. I think it’s funny actually. I imagine God watching all of us, knowing just how clueless we are, running around like we can find the answers on our own strength and then He sits back chuckling when we finally get that slap in the face of understanding at the precise moment he commanded it. God definitely has a sense of humor and I think He likes it when we can chuckle back at his cleverness. But I digress. So Nathan and Jess came to the East Coast to spend time with their families, which means the rest of us were blessed with them at church. Friday night was the young adult service and BBQ. I love hearing Jess sing, she always puts me into this wonderful state of worship. Then coincidentally the worship team played the exact song that has basically been my anthem since last week. Nathan, as I mentioned, preached straight into my heart about the necessity of knowing who you are and it has really convicted me. Then we all spent the evening outside with lots of food, laughter, and friendships. There was just so much peace. I also realized I’ve fallen in with a completely different crowd at church these days, and it’s so refreshing to actually be me rather than so-and-so’s-someone-or-other.

This morning I was blessed again when both Nate and Jess took the stage for worship, it’s been a while since they were both up there; I miss that. Heather and Jess sang a song together that was so, so beautiful. There was so much emotion and grace pouring out of these two strong women of God that I can’t imagine anyone missing the significance of what God does in all of our lives, whether we understand it or not. Nathan brought us all up to date on the Clarity plant and all I can say is whoa. I’m in awe of what God is doing through them. I was out there just last summer for two days and it was great but things have grown so much since then; I really don’t know what else to say about it except that I’m in awe. I was so glad I got to talk with them both after service for a minute and Jess brought up something that coincidentally came into my head during service (with no provocation from what Nathan was discussing). It has the potential to turn my life on its head and I’m thrilled for the idea, but I want to spend some time in prayer about it before I start talking about it here in specifics. I want to make a decision on this with as little worldly influences as possible; so, I apologize for the vagaries at the moment, but I’ll fill you all in when the time is right.

This evening I went to the bible study in Coopersburg that I’ve been attending for a short while now. It gives me so much encouragement to be involved with so many different groups of believers. We’re constantly being called to be missionaries in our homes, schools, places of employment, etc. that I think we hold this image that outside of our church no other Christians exist. It’s like how all the news we see on tv is bad and depressing, and you see the same things so often that you basically forget that anything good is actually going on until you see it for yourself. So for me to spend this morning hearing about the growth of a church in LA, sit in worship in Mount Pocono, and then attend bible study in Coopersburg is such an encouraging thing. But I digress again. I’m starting to feel comfortable at this bible study, which is exciting for me. I know a handful of people by name now, I don’t awkwardly sit on the sidelines but participate in banter about the world cup or lady gaga, and people actually know my name and come up to me to chat after we’re done. I’ll come back to this thought in a minute, however.

The message tonight was very compelling for everyone. We’ve been reading through Matthew 5 and tonight we discussed basically how our words no longer hold any meaning. There’s so much dishonesty, lies, exaggeration, sarcasm, and so on that when you really think about it, why do we ever think anyone is being true about anything ever? Jesus said to let our ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and our ‘no’ be ‘no’ and that’s that. I won’t go into the whole teaching here, but it was very enlightening. We also discussed the whole notion of turning the other cheek and lending things to others. Again, I won’t explain the whole thing here, but every person in that room was spoken to directly, there was no way around it. We got into small prayer groups and found that most of us were on the same page with a lot of the issues we raised.

After this, I was blessed again because God used me to comfort and encourage someone else. The world would think we’re mad but it takes a group of Christians to understand that being used isn’t a bad thing at all because when God uses you and you know He’s using you, there is no better feeling. Anyway, the biggest struggles of my past were able to help comfort and advise another. While I obviously don’t want anyone to feel pain or suffer, I feel so blessed that God allowed this connection to happen between this person and myself so that I can allow God to show his grace to her through me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this on my way home tonight (I suppose it helps too that it takes me about an hour and fifteen minutes to get home from there) and I think I discovered another aspect of my calling. I’ve said that travel and writing are my number one and two biggest passions and I’ve toyed with the idea of missionary work. Regardless of what my ultimate calling may be, and going back to what I was saying a few minutes ago about finally being comfortable and making friends and things here, I think part of who I am is to be a connector (for serious-lack of a better word). What I mean is, I’ve realized over the years (but never really thought about it) is that I’m a very eclectic person and I’ve got friends from every clique, style, age, race, region, and whatever other distinctions you want to make. Something I’ve always been good at has been finding something in common to connect over with people. I’ve got such a ridiculous array of experiences, hobbies, interests, and so forth that I don’t think I’ve ever found someone I can’t sit down with and after a few minutes of awkwardness be able to find something we share and make a connection with them. Go figure, today I coincidentally realized the reality of this and how important this ability is as a Christian. In keeping with my vagueness from earlier in this post, this could become more useful in my future than I originally thought.

So like I said, this weekend has been blessing after blessing after blessing. It was just last Sunday that I recanted all of the nonsense I’ve been involved in but it feels like that was months ago. God has done some crazy things in my life in only seven days. It’s times like these that are the most humbling, when you can see how different you are in seven days time and know that you had nothing to do with it. But I guess that’s just another coincidence of having Jesus in your life, isn’t it?

No. More. Compromises.

I've been going through a lot lately. Which is probably why it has taken me over a month to update this: between feeling guilty or hypocritical or sheerly being busy it has continuously been pushed aside. I've been having a really good time this summer hanging out with my friends and doing a lot of things I typically don't do. Not that any of these things are really terrible in the grand scheme of things but for the person I am and the values I hold these are definitely non-typical and a bit surprising for me. I try to justify them and talk myself into believing that 'it's ok because I never do this' or 'I deserve a break' after dealing with so many difficult things, but the truth of the matter is that it's not ok and I've been compromising who I am just to fit in with this world and take a vacation from the struggles of my life. I've had a lot of truth spoken to me over the past few weeks and while it touched me it has basically come in one ear and gone out the other, sitting just off my shoulder where I think of it here and there and know I should actively seek out that truth and embrace it rather than let it slowly slip to the wayside like I have been. Today pastor said several things that spoke right to me and I refuse to keep letting these things fall to the wayside. So I'm committing right now to more actively be the person I know I'm called to be and quit making all of these compromises that only end up upsetting me more than I started after the instant gratification wears off.

I'm not really a person who has ever had self-esteem issues or cared much what others thought of me. I know I'm not perfect and I know plenty of people don't like me for this reason or that but for the most part I'm comfortable in my skin. I like certain things, I act the way I act, and if people don't like that it hasn't really bothered me because I'm not compelled to change who I am. There's only one of me and I embrace that; why become a carbon copy of someone else and let your uniqueness fall off the earth? What I've been struggling with though, has been compromising. The unfortunate thing is that it has been happening on such a small scale and for such a long time that I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up until I finally stopped, took a look around, and had no idea where or who I was anymore. I've struggled with indirect conflict because I hold specific values and others do not. Basically, I had spent almost six years in a relationship that started out on the same page and then suddenly we took diverging routes. I continually made compromises to who I was because I thought if only I took this one step in that direction it would fix the relationship and we'd be back to the happy days we had in the past. I was continually forced to make these compromises until, like I said, I suddenly didn't know who I was anymore. My faith was used against me and I was told to forgive as many times as I was wronged, to sacrifice, and so many other things. But when both people aren't using the same rule book, things will never work how they're supposed to. I felt used and manipulated, which makes me mad at myself because I always thought I was stronger than that, and it only made the ultimate fallout so much worse. I don't go into all these details and say these things to give a bad reputation to the person involved (because obviously most people reading this will know exactly who I'm talking about), and after all a relationship is two people and I know I did so many things wrong there too, but the point is, it has been a huge learning experience in my life. Whether you actively change who you are in attempt to gain acceptance or if you make these small compromises of character that build on top of one another, you are losing the person God made you to be. I'm not saying compromising on things is always bad, but I refuse to go down a road where I am forced to no longer be myself ever again.

That's what this summer has been all about for me. I needed to re-learn who I was and commit that to memory so I never let myself stray again. I'm not fully there yet; I've made a lot of excuses and bad choices so far, but I'm still learning, still growing. I know who I don't want to be, what I don't want in my life. I have learned what things I enjoy doing and will maintain those in my future. I am actively going to pursue the things I know are good for my health-physically and spiritually. I've reached a turning point today. I spent a month and a half acting my age (which unfortunately, I mean as an insult considering the stereotype of my generation) and now I'm ready to step back up to be the woman I am called to be. I am a daughter of God and I am going to do everything I can to glorify Him through my life. Actions speak, words lie. But it's so much more than just actions, it's an attitude of the heart. I'm on fire now; my path is finally clear and I'm running head first into the life meant for me. There's no time to waste: change comes now. No more compromises.

* * *

"You turned away when I looked you in the eye,

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,

Seems like you're fighting for your life,

But why? Oh why?

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere,

And there's always scars,

When you fall that far.

We lose our way,

We get back up again,

It's never too late to get back up again,

One day you will shine again,

You may be knocked down

But not out forever..."

-Get Back Up (tobyMac)

Soul Searching

I love catching up with good friends. This is a regular occurrence for me, every summer and winter getting together with some friends from high school to catch up with each others’ lives. I had such a get together today and I realized how much has happened in my life in a few short months (that naturally in school time feels like years). I think the majority of people hate change; it’s human nature. We cling to the familiar. I know I’ve certainly never liked change. The thing is, I’m in a period of life-change right now; what’s weird though, is I’m excited for it. There has been a lot going on under the surface in my life recently and without getting into all the sordid details I’ll just say that ultimately (and ironically) I feel like I’ve just had the world handed to me. My life has been opened up and I have the capability to really do whatever I want, when I want. The possibilities for my life just exponentially boomed. Naturally this feeds my urge to travel, but what it really feeds is my urge to live. There are so many places, events, experiences, and the like waiting for me to go out and grab them. While it may not have been overt, there has always been some things holding me down or keeping me from reaching for these things with all I’ve got. And while I still care about seeing my friends and family, those strings have all fallen away and I can just go. I can live my life and know those who are important to me will always be there when I need them.

I’m not sure how much sense this posting will make. There are so many thoughts running through my head that when I try to talk to anyone about this I end up sputtering all over the place and ultimately saying little to nothing at all. There are just so many things trying to get through that none of them are able to articulate themselves. That’s how I feel this post will ultimately turn out: a bunch of ramblings that won’t build a full coherent thought but just give a small glimpse of what I’ve already called “life-change”. I say it this way because while everyone hates change, it usually refers to a specific event or a certain area of life. What I’m talking about literally encompasses all areas of life, and to me, that’s something entirely different. This encompasses location, education, employment, …all the way down to the core pieces of who someone is as a person. I think this is part of the attractiveness of moving to nola: I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please other people that when I really stop to think, I’m not really sure how much of it is really who I am and what I want, and how much of it is solely people-pleasing. I’ve discussed before the appeal of being completely independent, but there’s also the idea of being in an area with absolutely no one I know, therefore no influences to act a certain way or do certain things. Who will emerge? I don’t know. There are parts of me that I know are fundamentally me, things that I know are truly who I am and want to be. But the more I look at my past and who I am, the more pieces I find that I’m really not sure if it was my choosing or influences from others. I think this is an amazing opportunity to really see who I am inside.

I spent four and a half hours just catching up and letting the pensiveness fly with my friend today. The last hour and a half was spent watching the sun change the colors of the sky over a twisting and turning river, reflecting each color in turn. It was beautiful and definitely let the pensiveness run rampant. I know there were so many times where I was talking and saying nothing, but it’s moments like these that really open my head up and let me start to sort out my life. This summer is a turning point. I don’t know how things will be different; I don’t know what will overtly change in my life. But things aren’t going to be the same, I know that much. This is huge. It’s life-change. And contrary to past experience, I’m running straight for it.

Chapter 2: Moving On?

I’ve just started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really has me thinking. I think I’ve always believed in divine intervention. I don’t think I’ve always called it that; I don’t always now; but the concept has always existed to me. I’ve always thought that everything happens for a reason—good or bad—you’re meant to learn from certain things or they happen exactly when you need them to so you can learn something or take one step closer to fulfilling your ultimate potential. The reason I bring this up is because I bought this book years ago. It has been sitting on my shelf collecting dust and making friends with the dozens of other books I’ve purchased and pushed aside for the sake of schoolwork. I picked it up tonight out of what seemed to be sheer coincidence. I LOVE reading; I fall in love with the language and the imagery, the people, the places. They become real to me and I’m sad when I finish a book and have to say goodbye to the characters I had invested so much time in, so much that I feel as if they are friends who have moved away and I may never see again. I finished reading a series this evening and as always, a feeling of despair and loneliness crept over me at the loss of those friends and places. The easiest fix to this for me is grab something off the shelf and delve into the next universe and when I feel close enough to the characters and am sure they will still be around tomorrow to surprise me with their adventures, I can finally go to sleep. When I went to my shelves tonight I was looking for some fictional book I could drown myself in for the next few hours. I’ve mostly exhausted my fictional books apparently and those remaining were not catching my interest. There remained a few shelves of non-fictional books. These are not the textbook type books that come to mind when you hear “non-fiction” but rather real stories told by people who lived them. These kinds of books have intrigued me for a while now; as I’ve mentioned many times before, I love travel and I love to write. These books are basically people traveling for one reason or another and writing about their experiences and how they’ve grown and learned. I have books like this from China, India, Afghanistan, Mali, and on the list goes. I can’t completely say what made me choose this one, again I refer to the divine intervention thing here, but tonight, I picked up Eat, Pray, Love. I lent this to a friend right after I bought it and she loved it and said I would too, but life went on, one thing led to another, and you know the story. But tonight, I started reading it and I’m only about 30 pages in but it already has me looking at so many aspects of my life—how they are, how I want them to be. The author begins her tale by explaining the relational struggles and changes she is going through; I can certainly relate to that on several levels right now. She explains how she was “culturally a Christian, not theologically” which, I thought was a great way of describing that divide that Christians often point out in our society. She “opens a religious conversation” with God and her life, relationships, work, and travels go from there. Like I said, I’m not very far along yet, but I am certainly intrigued and invested already. She makes me want to get up and go. I’ve said in previous entries how I’m excited to get out and live my own life, how traveling is my biggest passion, how I’m dying to write. At several points already I’ve set the book down, looked around my room, and started planning to pack it up. I’ve already taken mental notes of certain characteristics and stylistics of writing that I would be interested in using for my own future works. I’ve certainly been thinking of how I’d love to travel to the places she talks about. (Again, I already wanted to travel everywhere, this has only made me rearrange the list a bit). I can already see it: my small house somewhere—my home base, a neighbor watching over it as I go off for a few weeks or months at a time—exploring remote areas of foreign nations, documenting all of the highs and lows of my visits, compiling each anecdote into some work to inspire others and instill passions within them as my favorite authors have done for me, coming home long enough to enjoy those close to me until I need to move again so I concoct another trip and head off.

Even now, I pause to collect my thoughts on where to go next with my writing here and I find myself evaluating my room again. I like where I’ve come from, what I’ve done so far, what I value, but there’s still something missing. There’s something inside me that’s urging—more like yelling in my soul—that I need to travel and write and get out of this small town and really do something. I mean no disrespect to my hometown or the people in it; it’s just not my calling. Growing up I always said I was going to move far away. I went through a short phase where I was afraid to move out of the wing of my family but events that followed obviously made that decision for me. But now, things are actually really good for my family; in the grand scheme of things they aren’t great, but for my family, this may honestly be the best they’ve ever been for me. I’m on my own, managing my own responsibilities—car, apartment, insurance, school, work, pets…all of these status symbols that I’m an adult in the U.S. but it’s not where I’m called. I’m not even necessarily talking about this from a religious standpoint—although I’ve noticed that they often (if not always) go hand in hand in my life. I think it’s partly because I just finished school this past week (for the summer that is); it doesn’t help that Conner is getting fixed so I’m car-less and stuck in the house for a few days—it leaves me far too much time to think (did I mention I don’t have cable or internet here either?) so all I do is read, listen to music, and think. I’m obviously not opposed to any of these; it just really gets me on tangents sometimes. I just wish I knew where I was going. If I could (which who knows, I may actually end up doing this for all I know) I would just start packing up my things here in this house. Pack up all the memories and put those into a pile to save and open to recount my life to my children someday; pack up all the things I would want to unpack when I actually find that house with the friendly neighbor to watch over it while I travel; and pack up all those things that I want with me in the here and now, the things that will traverse the globe with me and be mentioned for their participation in one crazy event or another. I want to be completely prepared so that when that door finally opens, that light points the way, I can up and go and just really live. I feel like I’m in limbo, biding my time and waiting to see what I’m supposed to do—I hate that. There is a quote from the movie “You’ve Got Mail” that caught my attention the first time I saw the movie as a child. Meg Ryan’s character is typing an email and says, “So many thing I see in life remind me of something I read in a book when, shouldn’t it be the other way around?” As much as I have been blessed with, I still feel like this is my life. I don’t want to live only in these other worlds, through other people. I’m here, I exist, I’m able. It’s time I started living these things myself.

I'm Seeing a Theme in My Life

Wow. There are so many different things that I want to talk about here but with school and life and everything else I have found it increasingly difficult to sit down and post on this thing. Now I look back and have maybe five different things that could have been full posts individually with more depth and meaning to all of them and unfortunately I will cram most, if not all, into one mere entry and never do them justice as I had originally intended.

I've written posts about this before in other blogs and while I always think it's semi-stupid and semi-funny to write about, there is still something behind the surface that is very important. Sadly, I am a Gleek. For those of you who have no idea what that is or are thinking of that weird spitting thing from under your tongue and are even more confused, let me help. A Gleek is someone who watches the show Glee and (unfortunately) gets too into it. Basically, Glee is a trashy show with so much ridiculous drama that I really can't stand it most times. However, as the title suggests, this is about a glee club: therefore, lots of singing. I get sucked into this stupid show all the time because of the great music they put out (mostly remakes, but they have dabbled in original works recently). So while the plot-lines drive me nuts, the music keeps me coming back. Every once in a while however, they come out with something pretty great. The episode I'm talking about is "Born This Way". The episode focuses on accepting the things you hate about yourself because you were born that way and are special for a reason. This culminates with a performance of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I had never heard this song until then (I know, I live under a rock...named gradschool; and I know this episode isn't even the most current one, but I was behind due to traveling and schoolwork) but the song is really great. I just think the entire episode was really inspiring because there are songs throughout the entire episode and the way the chose the songs to mix with the theme was incredible. There was a mash up of "Unpretty" and "I Feel Pretty" that two girls were singing while the one was going to the doctor about getting plastic surgery. It was a very powerful few minutes to watch actually. The desire that young girls face to be something they think they're supposed to be mixed with the sadness of losing who you really are leaves you a little stunned as an audience. Not that this isn't a message we're seeing more frequently these days, but it was very tactfully done and I was moved by it. Ultimately, the entire episode was very inspiring and I thought it was worth mention here because it isn't often that these messages are portrayed to the masses by people they are actually interested in mimicking.

The next thing I wanted to mention was something that has been running around in the back of my mind...I guess for a few years now actually, and in terms of it being immediately on my mind it comes and goes at select moments. Recently (I think maybe two weeks ago now) was one of those moments, although it was shorter-lived this time than most, probably because I've been so overwhelmed with the end of this semester. Many of you may know that I've played around with the idea of being a missionary for a while. I continuously try to see where God is ultimately leading me and I'm sure I pretend to hear certain things that I don't because I'm human and I don't want my world turned upside down like God calls it to be. Anyway, I've always known I was built to travel--I wouldn't have this built in passion for it, no known allergies, and no fear/dislike/sickness from planes or boats if it wasn't something I was meant to do in my life. Nathan always told us to look at what we had in our hands and not compare ourselves to others--this is one of those things I'm sure is in my hand for a reason. The thing is though, I'm not sure if I'm meant to be flitting off to Africa or elsewhere to start a ministry. I've always felt like more of a speaker, friend, and role-model more so than a minister or pastor. So this has led me to question where I'm supposed to be then. Growing up, while I would have to say my biggest passion has always been travel, the second thing I would say is writing. It has taken many forms throughout my life, but I can't remember not liking to write in some way shape or form: poems, short stories, attempted novels, blogs, and so many more, I love it all. So my thought was maybe there is something I'm supposed to do with writing and use that to travel and speak worldwide. I don't know for sure yet, I'm trying to see where I'm led without letting my personal wants to influence things, but I think that would be a really cool and amazing use of my life. Another thing I've been feeling very strongly about is my age. I'm young, and I think that is something I'm supposed to take advantage of. It started out almost as a gimmick for school--I'm impressive and worth your time because I finished undergrad early--by now I'm 23 and almost done with my PhD. This becomes a really mixed bag though. I am very proud of my accomplishments--but what do I have to be proud about? I need to be pulled down a peg or two sometimes because I let these accomplishments mean too much to me. However, I have gotten a lot of respect and admiration from my accomplishments, and while that can easily fall back into the pride problem, my point here is that it got me thinking. If people have come to respect me and look up to me because of my accomplishments in comparison to my age, shouldn't I be using that to glorify God? I've had a good deal of time to think about this and I'm sure that I'm supposed to use my age to influence people. The question is when? Where? I know each and every day should be used to glorify God and show Him to others, but I truly feel called to be going somewhere and doing it more openly than just acting in accordance with His word. This is where I get stuck and I fear not figuring it out soon enough and then, I'm no longer this young age-meant to influence a certain generation or group. I'm curious though, about this blog specifically. This may be a gateway to something I don't see yet. I couldn't even tell you the reason I started this specific blog, it was a very spur of the moment decision for me. And I've never held a blog quite as regularly as this one. Nor have I gotten as much feedback from seemingly random people about what I've written than I have with this blog. So maybe this is just the first door I need to walk through to get to the ultimate goal. I still don't know, like I said, I'm still looking for direction, but I'm slowly putting pieces together and I know there has to be something going on under the surface here.

It's hard sometimes to keep your eyes on God and trust that what you're hearing is form Him and not a manipulation of many other things in life. But there are certain moments, when you have no doubts, none whatsoever, that you have been blessed and that God was holding you in that moment. There is no way to describe the feeling of peace and excitement that comes with 100% knowing God's touch; this weekend was one of those moments. A great friend of mine, Kayla, ran a marathon yesterday. I know she was really nervous and psyching herself out the whole time: she had completed a marathon years earlier, and when she attempted another, she ultimately dropped out. This has been plaguing her ever since and it has been killing me to watch her torture herself with it. The only thing that could help her overcome was to complete another one: so the gauntlet was thrown and yesterday was her day for personal redemption. I had no doubts that she could do it but I knew she would get into her head and start psyching herself out so I was worried for her. Apparently, around mile 12 she ended up feeling sick, plus having pain, and of course, the mental psyche-out had begun. I could have cried when she ran passed us at one point, I didn't want her to torture herself for something I knew she was more than capable of doing. We caught up with her at another point where I had decided I would run a few blocks with her to see if I could get her spirits up a bit. Worth a shot right? That was where God stepped in. And while I had fleeting moments of knowing He was there (partially because my "Team Kayla" shirt was decked out in scripture, partially because a lot of runners commented about how great the shirt was, and partially for other reasons soon to come), I didn't put too much thought into it until after. To make a long story short, I ran 8 miles, in jeans, after not having done any real athletic activity in about two months. I went with Kayla from mile 17 to 25 and she was definitely in better spirits when I left her than when I joined her. Rhi, Kayla's roommate, caught up with us right at 25 and took her the rest of the way in. There was blessing after blessing in that hour-ish time. And so many things that are a slap in the face that duh! God knows what's going on and has had it planned forever. Case in point (silly as it may sound): I haven't worn sneakers in months, even with the cold Binghamton weather, I've been wearing flip flops because I'm in rebellion against the cold and demanding nice weather. So, any ideas as to why I wore sneakers to that race? In Delaware-a place significantly warmer than Binghamton. Top that off with the fact that I had actually brought my running sneakers instead of my other ones. Small, stupid even, but a pretty big coincidence if you ask me (and I've said before, I don't really believe in coincidences anymore). But like I was saying, God did so many things in that time: I have a recurring hip problem from running on pavement in high school; I have never run 8 consecutive miles in my life; I haven't run at all in about two months; I have a really sore side from Friday, so even walking at times during the weekend hurt a little; I was wearing tight, denim jeans. And yet- the whole time I ran I felt no pain, no discomfort, and all else considered, no exhaustion. God held me so I could jabber on about nonsense and try to distract Kayla and lift her spirits. God lifted her spirits through me-I was used by God-that's so cool! I'll never be so excited about being used by anyone, haha. I called it quits at mile 25 and right as I told Kayla to push on, and felt terrible about sending her off alone, I looked up and bam! There's Rhi, heading right to her to take over where I had to stop. Rhi even said afterward that she never planned to come that far up the course, one thing led to another and it just kind of happened. Not only did Kayla complete her race and completely conquer all of the bad memories from the last one, but she didn't walk once during this race-a brand new accomplishment for her! I'm so, so proud of her for getting through the day. And I'm beyond excited about all of the blessings that were poured on us during that race; retrospectively it's all just so amazing to see how the pieces so perfectly fit together. It was definitely one of those moments I will always look back on and feel God's presence and blessings.

There were a few other things I wanted to bring up in this entry but I think I'll save them for another time since they aren't as in-keeping with the theme I've managed to build here. So I guess I'll just finish this up by saying never doubt that God has you in the palm of His hand; and when you least expect it, He'll show you how much he loves you and let me tell you-it's really overwhelming, but worth every second of pain, anxiety, or sorrow you've dealt with. He is awesome.

Rambling Pensiveness

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm in a state of transitions and I'm not sure what they all mean, let alone what they all are. I guess I'll start with school transitions. I've got two weeks left in my second year of grad school. Honestly, there are a lot of times that I'm surprised I made it this far. Some of you may know the internal struggles I've gone through from just about day 1 since I started. I've had issues being up here in just about every realm of life, yet somehow I've managed to stay in my program (probably out of sheer unwillingness to give up-a blessing and a curse I suppose, but I have no doubts I'm made this way for a reason). Anyway, while finishing my second year may not seem like any big deal, to me it's pretty huge. I only have one semester of classes left after this before working solo on my dissertation. Granted there are still many hurdles before I get to that point, but my class load, the last classes I will ever have to take in my life (that's a wonderful thought!) are mere months from being completed. The real world for me kind of starts there. I will need to manage my own time to complete my dissertation, find funding, and hopefully, find a job while I'm writing or at least set one up for when I graduate. It's weird to me to be in this place. I certainly feel more like an adult than I ever have in my life, but it's still weird to take that step back, look at yourself, and try to figure out how you actually because this real person. I am being ridiculously inarticulate and frankly, cheesy about this, but again I find myself unable to really express what's going on in my head. Along with starting my final semester of classes in a few short months, I will also be living in a new apartment. No, I don't know where yet, but my roommate and I know that living next to our ridiculously loud neighbors is certainly not conducive to schoolwork, let alone dissertation writing. Hopefully, in a few months time, we will be living in a nice place outside of all the noise that is Binghamton, with a backyard to relax in.

In terms of jobs, I have been free of the restaurant a few short weeks and it has been wonderful. However, this also means I will need a new job for the summer to pay the bills. I have a possibility lined up and it would actually be quite ideal if it works out. My main goals for this summer are to get a first draft of my prospectus completed, do some research toward my dissertation, get back in shape, and have some fun time with friends. The job I am hoping pulls through is to work the desk at the gym I currently attend. This job would actually make all of my summer goals more than possible. While sitting at the desk I will have plenty of time to research and write. I will get a free membership to the gym for the summer and it seems like I have some good resources to switch shifts for the few days I want to hang out with my friends. Plus, having this job would obviously allow me to pay for my apartment, car, phone, and all the other materialistic crap that we undoubtably "need" being brought up in the U.S.

That last statement is obviously something else that has been on my mind. I love technology; being brought up in my generation it's hard not to. Yet for all of the "stuff" I have, I've been growing to kind of hate it. As much as I love playing on Facebook and obviously I enjoy writing in my blog and so many other things, I hate being so connected to everything. This is part of what came to pass in Romania. Obviously, no cell phone, very limited internet, nothing going on it that sense. I miss that. I kind of hate my blackberry right now. If I could, I'd get a crappy, first generation cell phone and keep it off unless there was an emergency--you know, the reason why cell phones originally became popular--not to be engulfed by emails, texts, Facebook notifications, tweets, and I don't even know what else. I love Conner, especially since I got the title in the mail (I own my first car, so cool!) but I'm dying to be able to ride my bike to school rather than driving everywhere (and if the stupid weather in Binghamton didn't suck, I could actually do that). Even now as I'm typing this (which like I mentioned, I realize is a bit hypocritical since I'm on a computer, posting a blog and complaining about being too connected) I have to stop to check all of the emails that just came to my phone. If I had my way, I would pick one way to be this connected and say screw the rest. Let me have my blog I'll be just fine traveling, working, and doing whatever else minus the phone, the emails, the texts, Facebook, and the like. Again, I know I'm being hypocritical because I live in the U.S. and I will continue to play on Facebook and text all of my friends, but I'm so annoyed at it all and at myself for enabling it to continue. I joke with a lot of my friends about this but maybe one day I really will just become a hermit and only come out of my little hole to travel before ducking back inside.

Along with these transitions in school and adulthood and the like, I feel like I'm finally transitioning out of my past. While I realize there are billions of people who have had much worse lives than I will ever have, I've had a pretty trying 23 years so far (if you know me well enough you obviously know the big points, if you don't maybe one day I'll decide to talk about some of them here-no guarantees). There have been some events and some people that have been weighing me down for years and as hard as I've tried to move past them, there always seems to be that tether that's able to drag me right back down when I least expect it. But I think being away from PA for a while now has helped me to finally realize what I let myself get sucked into. Ultimately, there is only so much that you can do in life and for me to try to please everyone and pretend like everything is fine will never happen. Acceptance and growth. I'm sure I will upset people in the future and it will seem like I have no regard for people's feelings but at this point I really need to do what's best for me and what I feel I'm called to do. There are people in your life who mean well and ultimately make things worse; if it's insensitive to make the choice not to go under then fine; I'm a jerk. It's something I'll have to live with at this point because I can't keep worrying every single day about things that are in the past. I can't control my past but I can control my future, and I choose to move forward and live a life that will make me as happy as I can be here on earth.

There are still so many other things I've been thinking about. I think if I continued to talk about them all this entry would end up being obscenely long. I don't want to make anyone have to read that much. Which, apparently, is quite a few people: in the last four days I've had more people come up to me and talk to me about my blog than I ever knew even knew of its existence. I'm a little shocked to know that many people actually read this stupid thing (I say stupid because I'm obviously still a bit resentful to technology, hypocritical as I'm being right now). So for all of you who have revealed yourselves as readers (and the others who they must have found out from, who I still don't know who they are) thanks for checking out my random ponderings, ramblings, rants, joys, and so on. It's cool to know that anyone at as is interested in anything I have to say. Which has been another thing on my mind actually, the lack of value of what I have to say in the grand scheme of things, but I'll save that rant for another time. For now, I'll just say that as much as I feel like I've figured out about myself and my life recently, I still feel like I'm ultimately so lost. It's the old, for every door that closes two open in its place thing. There are so many doors open in front of me. While there are some I obviously will be going through, there are so many more that leave me wondering what's next. Maybe I'll never know; it's all part of life, but every now and again I get very pensive and rambling is my only outlet. This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it has basically been a stream of consciousness anyway. So my apologies for those of you trudging through this thing hoping for some sort of revelation; I don't know if you really got anything out of it at all; I'm not even sure I did, but talking in circles helps me clear my head (ironic as that is). Next time I'll make sure I've got a more straightforward message to convey. As straightforward as anything is in life these days anyway.

A Whole New World

There are no words to describe how amazing our trip to Romania was. I will truly never be able to fully explain how much we did, how real our experiences were, and how much the trip affected me as a person. All I can say is, I learned so many things about the country, the world, my friends, and myself.

I'm not sure what any of us were expecting on this trip (any of us being myself and the guys, Diana obviously had a better idea than us) but what we experienced was exponentially outside of our imaginations. The day we started traveling was long to say the least. I got up and drove to Binghamton to pick up Francis and drove back to Saylorsburg to park at my mom's house. Steve and his brother met us there to drive the three of us to Newark Airport. We met up with Diana there and boarded our first flight. It was a long flight, filled with poor attempts to sleep and lots of stupid jokes (although the migraine I had for most of that flight did not make that leg of the trip very pleasant at all). From there we had a three hour layover in London. We sat down in a cafe and had some tea and food while we waited, chatting away the hours, enjoying each others' company and anticipating the rest of the trip. Finally, we boarded our second flight (which was over in a heartbeat considering we all passed out until they said "Welcome to Budapest"). We got a car to the train station where we met up with Diana's cousin, Paul. He has lived in Hungary for the past 12 years and he took the day to show us all of the monuments possible. We hopped train after tram after bus. We never would have seen as much as we did or even chanced any public transit without him. If you are my friend on Facebook you can get an idea of just how much we saw considering I have an entire photo album from just this day. Keep in mind, we only spent 6 hours in Budapest and the 104 photos I have online are only the ones I pulled out to post; there are so many more. After a long afternoon in Hungary, we boarded our train to take us to Romania. Again, laughing and jokes all around, keeping each other awake so we wouldn't miss our stop, getting delayed by customs and police people. Finally crossing the border and meeting Diana's dad. We made it to their home after midnight and Diana's mom and dad were both more than ready to feed us our first traditional Romanian meal. Three or four courses later, so stuffed we could barely think straight, we finally made our way to our beds. It was a ridiculously long 48 hours, but well worth every second. We were greeted with traditional Romanian Polinka (a strong, home-made liquor that is served with every meal--yes, breakfast too), warm hugs and happy faces, and a place to stay, where saying we felt welcome is the understatement of my life.

We woke the next day to another several course meal. Then there was the pig. Diana's parents prepared to have a traditional pig for us to eat. They killed and butchered it right there at the house and we had wonderful steaks and sausages and so much more for the remainder of our trip. I chose not to watch the initial stages (which the guys loved to tease me about). In retrospect it was very cool and the food was great, I just am not capable of forming any kind of attachment to an animal if I know I am going to eat it. We drove around Santana (Diana's town) a bit with her dad. We saw what the town had to offer and spent the day relaxing around her house. Her house by the way, was very cool. Her backyard is probably one of the most peaceful places I've ever had the pleasure of relaxing in. We met her niece, Maia. She was very cute but very afraid of us at first. She certainly came around later in the week, but it took a while for her to stop associating us with the dead pig. Diana got her hair done which took a while; so Steve, Francis, and I were dropped off at a restaurant where we had a drink and just talked about random things before we set off roaming around Santana ourselves. We walked for a few hours just enjoying the peacefulness and admiring everyday life in Romania (and how welcomed we were by the Branduse family). We finally met back up with Diana before heading back home to eat some tasty pork. We went out for a bit that evening into Arad, the city about 30 minutes from her home. We saw monuments, visited Diana's past, had ice cream, played in the park, and just had memorable experience after memorable experience. That night ended with the knowledge that we would be getting up before dawn the next day to head out on our Romanian roadtrip. Diana's dad was going to drive us clear across the country, making a big circle so we could see everything the country had to offer. Do you ever get these opportunities in real life? It was all so surreal.

Bright and early we piled ourselves into the family car. Diana in the front, obviously so she could talk with her dad, and Francis, Steve, and me in the back. I can't even tell you how many hours we spent in the backseat over those two days, but in the long run it was a really great time and I will hold those memories for a lifetime. We got to see the sunrise over the mountains as we drove. We saw historical landmarks, heard old Romanian legends, stopped for traditional foods, and got first hand experience of the craziness that is Romanian driving and traffic. We made it all the way to Bucharest, the capital city, where we had a driving tour as we tried to escape the traffic. We made it out of the city and found ourselves in another town where we stopped to find a hotel for the night. We had a nice fish dinner and then went back to the hotel for some drinks. We hung out basically all night just laughing and talking; again, so many memories that I can't even begin to explain them or how much fun I had.

The next morning we headed back out to continue our journey. We drove through the Carpathian Mountains, which were some of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. We stopped to take photos at the tops of some of the mountains and the feeling of peace was just indescribable. We saw more monuments to battles, monasteries, cheese, sheep, flowers, churches, and even more beautiful mountain scenery. We made our way to Dracula's castle, which was unfortunately closed, but still so cool. And hey, just another excuse to go back soon! We did a little shopping and went through a haunted house (thank you Francis). It was a fun experience for us as a group though, considering none of us made it out of that thing without screaming. Then we got in the car and made the last (very long) leg of our journey back to Diana's house. I think we arrived around 2/2:30am aka we passed out quick.

We slept in the next morning. When we finally got up it was just to be a relaxing day at home. Something that I thought was very cool: we ended up borrowing some of the neighbors' bikes and the four of us took a bike ride around Santana. We stopped to have a drink and chill, then back on the bikes for a bit. It sounds so simple, maybe even boring, but there was just something about it. Doing something so home-ish in a foreign country, I'm not describing this well at all, but there is just something so cool about that to me. Maia came back over and we had all fully bonded by now. We played and watched her laugh and enjoyed the simple pleasures of it. We ended up going to a Shepard 's field to see the sheep with her. The Shepard was very nice and fed us homemade meat and cheese (as if we could have eaten any more food with the vast amounts being pushed at us every few hours). He thought I spoke Romanian very well (for the little I know) and I thought that was really cool. We brought Maia home and then the four of us hung out for a while. The next morning would be Easter, so at midnight, Diana's church has a ceremony where you light candles and circle the church three times before a service. We went and it was definitely an experience. We lit our candles, made our rounds, listened to them speak outside, and when the service started we decided to leave. We obviously wouldn't have understood it anyway and it apparently would have gone well into the morning; so we made the walk home, stargazing the whole way.

Happy Easter! The next morning we got up to a traditional Romanian Easter breakfast including colored eggs which we cracked on each others' eggs (a tradition in that region of the world). We spent another day playing with Maia, relaxing in Diana's backyard, and eating full traditional meals. Today we had lamb instead of pork (for lunch at least). After a long relaxing day, we left for town to go to a traditional Romanian Ball. There was a band and traditional dancing (although the clothing was all modern). The four of us took a shot at dancing--there are no words to describe how funny we must have looked. We met some new people, at least Steve and Francis certainly did, and had a good night laughing and dancing. We did dance a lot considering we didn't know the steps well, but it was all part of the experience and just a fun new thing we tried. It was night for some good girl talk between Diana and I while the boys had some "girl talk" of their own, ha.

We woke up on Monday, and piled back in the car. We drove to Timisoara, a city about an hour from Santana. We learned about the history of the 1989 revolution and saw where it all began. We walked around Victory Square and did most of our souvenir shopping. We came back to Santana to enjoy our last evening in the company of our amazing hosts. After more food and relaxing, Diana's parents went to bed and the four of us spent the night reminiscing and talking about life. Then we put on a movie and passed out.

We woke up late on the morning we had to leave. Go figure, considering we (at least Steve and I) were up until 3 or so and we had to leave by 7. But we got ourselves together, ate our last Romanian meal, said goodbye to Diana's mom, and headed out. Diana's dad drove us back to Arad where we got a car to take us to the airport in Budapest. We made our final goodbyes and took the several hour car ride. We got to the airport, boarded our plane, and were off. Two and a half hours later we were back in London, waiting for our next flight. Finally, we were over the Atlantic and then, back in Newark. My mom picked us up and took us to her house where Conner (my pick-up) was waiting. We drove back to Binghamton with a brief stop in Scranton for food (who knew, eating crazy amounts of meals all week and without them we were finally hungry). We ended up getting back to our apartments around 2 or 3am. It was a total of 26 hours of travel for us; all to leave a place we had grown to love so quickly and return to Binghamton, the fourth most depressing place to live in the U.S. (no, I'm not kidding, look it up).

I know I keep repeating this, but I can't help it: there really are no words to describe this trip. All I've managed to do here is give a relatively chronological account of events. But there are so many other things: the hospitality, the food, the experiences, the conversations, the knowledge, the serenity, the joy, the living, the history, the traditions, the scenery, the uniqueness, the weather, the reality, the people, the music, the driving, the stars, the memories, the infinite number of things I could continue to list here but won't. I think I came back from this trip a different person; not completely, maybe not even noticeably, but something in me is different from this trip, even if I can't exactly explain what it is to other people. All I know is that when I bought my plane ticket a month ago, I never in a million years would have expected this trip to be what it was. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity and I'm so glad that the group of people I went with worked so well together. We never fought (beyond the married couple bickering of Francis and Diana, but that's always happening) and I think we all came back much closer friends than we started. I can only hope my future travels are half of what I experienced in the past week. So here's to you Romania, for everything you gave to us and for the memories we will always share; Noroc!

"Buckets of Grace"

What a blessing. It's the little things that really do it for me, that mean the most. I've been more or less on the verge of tears for a week and a half. My Aunt Leisa, the woman who basically raised me, taught me morals, respect, and just loved me through my diaper days until her last days, passed away Wednesday before last. It has been the most heartbreaking thing I've ever endured to date (and I think I've gone through a good bit in only 23 years so far). There's a whole story there, but frankly, it's still too fresh for me to write about yet, so maybe a little down the road. What I'm getting at is significantly off topic from this, but that little bit of backstory makes the story I'm about to tell make a little more sense.

When I came home this weekend I had a card from the church that several people had signed with their love and prayers. It meant a lot to me and (go figure) made me cry. I went into church this morning a little shakily, just afraid people might ask about it because I knew I wouldn't be able to respond without tears. Fortunately, only one person mentioned it and briefly enough to give me a hug and say a few words without reducing me to a sobbing mess. That was to come later. Worship was nice and I survived prayer with minimal welling up. For those of you unfamiliar with the church I attend, we sing a few songs, then pray, we give tithes and offerings, then there is one more song before the pastor comes up to talk. It was this last song that broke me. The worship leader, Mark, his son is apparently on his way to boot camp, today. He wrote a song for his son and sang it solo on stage. Even if he hadn't explained the situation to us beforehand, it would have been a beautiful song. Knowing the scoop however, plus the way his voice cracked at select moments, was enough to break everyone in the room--no dry eyes to be seen. It was an amazingly special moment. We prayed over their family and they literally walked off stage and out the door--that was their last moment before they had to drive their son to the army. Obviously, I know the feeling of seeing a loved one head off to boot camp, so I can relate, but the entire moment was so wonderful and special. It was truly a blessing to be able to witness it.

Service was good but like I said, it's the little things. While Pastor was closing up, he was describing this scene to us and I think it will stick with me for a long time. The gist was that you're thoroughly outnumbered and undersized but heading into battle anyway. You've resigned to take out as many of the enemy as possible before you are inevitably wiped out--because there is no way you're coming out of this alive. You pick the biggest one on the other side you can find and set your sights there. Then, a little above that person you see Jesus. He smiles at you and winks; a private little joke passes between you. Death is no longer on the table; you just found the one thing that can turn the battle on its head. The imagery continued a bit and this may sound like a simple little story, but like I said: simple things. I think this may have been one of the things that you needed to be there for it to affect you but it certainly affected me, I'm not even sure I can explain how, but it certainly inspires confidence. Any time you're facing down something you're terrified of, or someone insulting you, or are afraid to stand up for your convictions, you can keep this image of Jesus right over that person's shoulder, sharing this private joke with you, letting you know that He's there and not any other thing even matters. What an amazing feeling; and a great way to keep you encouraged and pushing forward!

The funny thing too, was that Pastor called us all up to the front to explain this story to us and just as he was finishing up a lady next to me started shouting (again if you know anything about my church this isn't unheard of). She was saying all of these powerful things and giving thanks and encouragement...and right in the midst of it, all the power in the church went off. Now, those who are not into church or religion or whatever, are probably saying this is all just part of the "scam" trying to either encourage or frighten people into obeying. Take my word on this one, it wasn't (I know it's easier to take my word for it if you actually know me in person rather than if you've stumbled upon this, but there's not much I can do about that for now). So like I was saying, it's the simple things that really make an impact. Small little things that kept happening all morning, but when I walked back out those doors this morning, I felt a lot better in my soul than I have in a while. This was definitely something that I needed. I don't have much else to say for now; this morning was just a wonderful blessing to me and I wanted to pass it along to anyone who comes across this. Like I said, I think you had to be there for it to impact you as it did me, but maybe this will mean something to someone. Until next time!