Objective 222: Keeping Your Spiritual Fervor

I've been watching myself fall into this annoying cycle over the past few months I've been home. I came home because I wanted to truly follow God's path for my life; momentarily that included helping out at Outbreak, running Chapter Six, taking bible school classes, and delving deeper into the specifics of the future God would have me in. In a manner most Christians can sympathize with, I had my ups and downs: my fire-under-my-butt moments and my stagnant moments. I hate that. Why is it so hard to maintain a constant, full-blown passion to follow Jesus? In the last meeting I had with my girls at C6, we spent some time talking about how the enemy has no creative powers or weapons of his own, all he has are lies and distractions. It is easy to see how lies are bad and manipulative and can negatively affect our lives, but it's not so easy to spot the harm in distractions.

In theory we understand it just fine, but in everyday activity it's a slippery slope. I'll just watch this episode quick before I read my bible. If I check facebook and pintrest before I pray I won't be thinking about it in the back of my head. I need to go to the gym, and I don't have enough time to do that and watch a sermon online before I meet my friends for dinner. I had no power for six days, they'll understand why I didn't come to church this week. I hope these are hitting home for some of you. I say these specifically because I am personally guilty of falling for each and every one of them, but I think they are something everyone can relate with. The distractions are infinitely more prevalent in our culture than we ever truly realize. We like to think that we are mentally strong enough to "take a break" with something, and still come back to passionately follow Christ; the truth is, nine times out of ten, we don't. We go through a season of complacency, and finally get sick of it and step back up...until the next distraction comes.

Honestly, I have watched myself go through this my entire Christian life; it's only as I matured in my faith that I was aware of it and frustrated by it. So as I tried to step out in faith and start truly following the life God has set out for me, it becomes even more maddening to me to watch myself continue in this cycle. I move home, get involved in Outbreak-huge spiritual high; then, stagnation. We take over Sunday service, I get to baptize people-new levels of feeling God's strength and ability; then, nothing. I preached my first sermon ever to Outbreak (which I will eventually someday post on here about); then, back to the grind. And on and on it goes.

I've decided that this has to stop; if nothing else, I need to re-prioritize my daily schedule. So I've done just that. The specifics of it may be menial to some of you, but for others it might be a good outline that you can mold into something that works for you, so I'm going to post it here. Also, keep in mind that I am working on bible school courses and ultimately trying to develop into some leadership capacity (not necessarily a pastor, but something) so I'm committing to a lot more "spiritual food" than you may want to. As you come to know God better or have a better understanding of what He is calling you to do in your life, I would encourage you to adjust accordingly. That may mean more prayer time, more time in the community, more time reading, more time watching sermons online, or something else entirely; we each have our own unique path to follow, so you will always have to decide what works best for your calling. So here are my new daily commitments:
1. Work on bible school classes for at least 1 hour.
2. Listen to/watch 1 sermon online. (usually 45 mins-1 hour)
3. Read/study bible 30 minutes.
4. Work out for at least 1 hour.
5. Take a vitamin.
6. Read (any book) for 30 minutes.
Number four is on this list because first, I am running a half marathon in January, so I have to be in shape, but second, God gave us these bodies so that we can live in them and show His love to others. We need to take care of them; we shouldn't disrespect what God has given us, and we don't want to further the negative image of the church by appearing as if we are uncared for when we have more care than our brains will ever be able to fathom. Number five is the same as four, take care of your insides as well as your outside (and personally, I just need a reminder to take a vitamin, it's so easy to forget). And six is because as silly as it sounds to schedule in leisure time, it is just as easy to fall into a routine of all work and come to despise our own existence. So it is important to make sure you give yourself time to fall into a world of fantasy, or learn something new, or just do whatever it is you really want to do. I have yet to get a job, but this schedule is doable with an eight-hour workday and all the "everyday" activities (meals, shower, commute, etc).

The point is, I know myself well enough that if I don't have things planned out to get done in a day, I won't do them. A nap on the couch is far more appealing than going to the gym. Watching an entire season of a tv show on Netflix is far more appealing than studying. But if it becomes part of my routine, I will not feel like my day is complete until I have been able to check those things off my list; so I'll let the naps and mindless hours trolling pintrest go, to make sure I get the more important things done. Maybe you're different than me, actually I hope you are, otherwise that's a bit creepy, but I know there are plenty of people who function in a similar enough manner that you can understand what I'm getting at with all of this.

Having said all of that, I've been working on implementing this in my life instead of just talking about it like I used to. I've been watching a lot of Steven Furtick's messages through my Elevation Church app. He recently published a book called Greater, which I haven't read yet but it is certainly on my list,  but he did a series about it at his church. I would encourage you to check it out; he does really well with relating scriptures to the reality of today and is definitely the kind of preacher that has you reevaluating what you're everyday life looks like, because chances are, we're not doing as good a job representing Jesus as we should. He is absolutely not the type of preacher to condemn you to hell for being human, trust me, I wouldn't be supporting him if he was, he's just really good at showing us where and how our society falls flat.

I've also made it through a few more chapters of the bible classes I've been "taking" since the summer. Really all these classes have been doing is making me guiltily carry around my books but still only open them once a month. I think I made more progress just today than in the past few months combined. There were a few things that stuck out to me in one of the chapters and I wanted to share them here (all quotes are either scriptures or from the textbook).
1. (in reference to Matthew 5:13-16, talking about salt and light) There were many good points, but one thing to think about for each of these: "Salt creates thirst. ... 'Do I make people thirsty enough to seek God for the answers to life's questions?'" // "...light prevents tripping over obstacles... 'Are people safer because they are on the same path as me?'"
2. (in reference to having an attitude of love) "You cannot always choose your circumstances, but you can always choose your attitude." Matthew 5:48 (msg): "In a word, what I'm saying is, grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. [italics are mine, not in text]"
3. "Just remember that regardless of your present circumstances, the end of the story is still being written for you." (in reference to Matthew 5:48 and Matthew 6:33-34)
4. (in reference to Romans 12:12) "Impatience puts my comfort before God's plan."
and last but not least,
5. Romans 12:11: "Keep your spiritual fervor." 1 Thessalonians 5:19: "Do not put out the Spirit's fire." "...we have a personal responsibility to maintain that fervor, that fire! We cannot excuse ourselves based on feelings or emotions."

The last one is full of meaning for me, and is ultimately why I am posting right now. I find the "coincidences" of my life so humorous sometimes; this is no exception:
1. If you know anything about my "222" thing, you'll understand well. The gist is that the number has stalked me for a few years and I believe it holds a certain significance.
2. I love the poetry from pairing the word "fervor" with some significant precursor. That's why my user name on here is Traveling Fervor.
3. Based on this entire post, you now understand my need to maintain a consistent passion for Christ.

Bring together those three "coincidences" and you'll get this blog post from me. Ah "coincidences", you're too funny...

Flooded with Power and Authority; Overcome with Humility

I've spent the better part of the last two days trying to explain to people what has been going on in my life the last two weeks and even now I still am failing miserably at finding words to convey the impact Outbreak and our ministry is having on me.

This past week Outbreak was blessed to be able to take over regular Sunday church. To sum it up: we were a hit. Everything went over so well, John's message was great, and as far as I can tell, everything went flawlessly. I know everyone attending was blessed by the word John preached. I know those of us helping run the show that day left on such a Jesus high because we were just so blown away by everything. But no one will every fully know what this day meant to me and how immensely my spiritual walk was affected.

The funny thing is, I went into this being terrified of having to pray on stage, thinking this would be a huge step forward for me in that aspect of my faith; I left that day with praying in public not even being on my radar. As you may or may not have read in my last post, I was asked to speak about tithing in front of the congregation for both services and then pray over the offering. I was very nervous about this all morning, but it went very well actually. The second service went much better than the first (not that first was even bad) but a practice run will help anyone improve. After I had already done it once, it wasn't really a big deal anymore. What really shook my foundations was what happened after I prayed for second service.

Let me take a step back here, and fill you in on a few things before I pick up and finish that thought. A few days earlier John called me and asked if I wanted to baptize the girls from our group during second service on Sunday. I said I would love to, how amazing of an opportunity is that? Honestly though, after I agreed, I didn't really think about it much; I was still really nervous about the praying thing, so that consumed every other thought. On Saturday night however, we had a meeting to go over how the next day would work and start setting things up. Two things happened here that really struck home. First, John read us all a scripture that is now planted in my heart and will forever remain a focal point of this crazy journey God has put me on. The verse is Jeremiah 1:5-10:

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said, “Look, I have put my words in your mouth! Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms. Some you must uproot and tear down, destroy and overthrow. Others you must build up and plant.”

The second thing that happened, was that John was explaining to us how unheard of it was for us to do what we were doing. Basically, anyone else who has taken the stage to preach for Sunday service has had to be certified and on staff for a long time and have gone through a lot of other things before they were able to take that big step. John however has been on staff only a few months and has not even been certified in ministry yet, so it is a huge deal that this is happening. Clearly God is showing Himself in all of this to let it happen. What struck me about this though, was even though John was talking about himself with this, it was hitting home for me as well. When I was baptized at this church six years ago, I was told I could have person A, B, or C baptize me because they were an elder of the church and  had been around long enough to be fully immersed in everything on this church campus. Maybe things have changed since then, but it felt pretty unheard of for me to be stepping into this tub to do the baptizing. It finally struck me during this meeting just how great of an honor this was.

So after I prayed for the offering in second service, I was blessed to announce that we would be performing baptisms while the band continued to play. I went backstage and after Jeremiah baptized the guys, I stepped down into that tub and began baptizing the girls. I stood in that water, looking up at the first girl walking down at me, and all I could think was what authority do I have to be standing in this tub baptizing people? This thought was playing on repeat in my head as I watched this girl approach me; it was a thought of humbleness though, not a thought of worthlessness. I began to speak into the first girl's ear and as I did the same question was still running through my spirit; however, I could also feel an overwhelming power and authority rushing through my body. My authority; My power; that is what you have. I have given it to you to touch the nations. Touch their hearts; change them; bring them home to me. Whoa. This flood of power and authority rose in me, overflowed, and poured out into these girls as each one was brought to their symbolic death.

I will never be the same. I hope they will never be the same either. These girls have thanked me over and over again--during service, after service, later that night on facebook--for what I did for them by baptizing them. I try to explain it but they will never know what they did for me that morning. I'm not exaggerating when I say I will never be the same. I have honestly never felt this way in my walk with Christ.

After service ended I ran into Hope. Hope is a wonderful woman of God with a generous, loving, beautiful spirit. Hope is the woman who baptized me six years ago. We both felt it; there is a bond from sharing an experience like baptism. We clung to each other with tears in our eyes as she told me how proud she was of me and how excited she was for what God was doing in my life. She explained what an amazing feeling it was for her to see me baptizing because it was like a passing down of the generations. She felt a sense of pride for me since she had been the one there for me. Even now, tears come to my eyes thinking about it. There is just such an emotional connection that it comes bursting out of me in unexpected ways (especially if you know my aversion for crying in public). I also feel like all of these words are superficial; I honestly don't know if the words exist to truly grasp the feelings that we shared in that moment. All I know is that I was truly struck to the core by it.

So here I am, feeling like a completely different person, shocked and awed at how different my life is from two days ago, a week ago, a month ago. Here I am, less than an hour away from the first meeting of a young adult girls group that I am leading. Here I am, completely humbled, completely at peace, completely loved. Here I am, watching with wonder at what God will do next, excited for whatever part He has in store for me. God is so good. Jesus will change your life forever. Try Him, nothing will ever be more worth it.

God is a Comedian

Isn't it funny how we can let every excuse possible get in the way of things? I said I was coming home to work on ministry and would have a lot more time open to updating this thing and yet, here I am, several months from my last post, trying to recap it all in a few paragraphs, again. Ha. The thing is though, it is hard sometimes to feel like I have something significant enough to say. If I'm going to type a long post for people to read, I'd like it to be meaningful and worthwhile, you know? I know I ramble a lot but I don't want to really waste everyone's time either. And that it what has me finally logging back on here today: something significant, at least to me it is anyway.

The short version of the last few months is this: while I was occupied with school things, I was doing really well about trusting God to provide in terms of a place to live and a job and everything else. The minute I actually came home and was living my sister's spare bedroom without a job, that trust all but disappeared. I spent weeks stressing about getting a job and applying like mad to everything I could find. I'm not saying looking for a job is a bad thing, but when you hear God telling you to do things, you have to trust Him to follow through with the entire plan. There is no such thing as 50% trust; you either do, or you don't, end of story. The point is, as soon as I got home I spent all of my time fretting over how to survive with worldly things and didn't spend a single thought on any of the reasons I was actually called home to begin with. I finally took a look around and realized how out of whack I let my priorities slip. Something had to give, and God was so ready for it.

Months ago, I purchased the book Sun Stand Still to read for our ministry at Outbreak. To be completely honest, I didn't read it right away. I was on fire for the big changes in my life and fully distracted by them (and closing the chapter of my life in Binghamton) that I didn't get around to it. But like I always say, I don't believe in coincidences; so when I finally did pick up this book and start reading it, it was in that exact moment that I needed to turn my priorities around. It is a great book and definitely kicked my butt into gear. I went home that night and prayed in my car for God to help me re-prioritize and to help push me forward to do the things He wants me to do.

The very next night at Outbreak, John asked me to come up on stage and pray for the entire group. This may not seem like a huge deal to most people, which is why everyone thought I was crazy for being as freaked out as I was over it. To me however, this has always been a huge fear. Ask me to talk on stage? Sure. Ask me to be an idiot in front of a group of people? No problem. But for some reason, praying in public has always terrified me. For years I had a family asking me to pray over meals and I pleaded with them for long minutes before they would finally have someone else do it. Why does this freak me out so much? I have no clue. None. It's not rational. Yet, it has always been the biggest "flaw" in my Christianity. So I'm standing in front of the stage worshipping, counting the seconds for the songs to end when I will have to ascend the stairs, grab a mike, and try to say something coherent, when I just start laughing. All of the sudden I can just see so much humor in the situation. God knows our hearts. He knows every little thing about us. I have an idea of where God plans for me to be in the future, it was the journey to get there that I've been clueless on. So when I prayed for God to get me going, He thought, "Ok, you want to be a leader? I'll make it happen, but first I want you to do the one thing that terrifies you most." I'm not sure if you can see the humor in this or not, but it all hit me at once and was absolutely hilarious. God is awesome, and while I was still terrified to talk into that microphone, I could just feel Him chuckling at how silly I was being about it.

As with most things that scare us, when I finished praying I came off the stage thinking it wasn't so bad and unsure of why it terrifies me so. What I said was fine, and while I was so nervous that I spoke softly and it was really hard to hear me, everyone told me it was great and were really supportive. What's so terrifying about people loving you? But God's humor is not a momentary thing. I knew I had just broken a barrier with this one prayer on a public stage, but I did not know how things would progress from here. I had these glamorous visions of preaching a message the next week as if I was hot stuff because of one barely audible prayer. Why are we always so prideful? Clearly, no such thing happened. What did happen however, was that I was invited to a staff meeting where the ante was upped and my bluff was called. Ok, I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers. That was doable; I had survived. But hey, why don't you pray over our meeting? Yea, the meeting with all of the lead pastors in the church. That's not scary at all. Do you sense the sarcasm? But at least I'm keeping God entertained because He certainly was beyond a mere chuckle now. Again, it went well, and afterward I felt accomplished and knew I was making progress through this fear. An hour and a half later however, God had tears in His eyes laughing at me. I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers; I even prayed in front of the small group of pastors; now I get to pray in front of the entire adult congregation on Sunday morning, for both services. God has a wild sense of humor; He is hilarious. And I'm terrified, but so stoked at what He is doing in my life: huge things are coming.

So along with God doing these crazy things in me to help me on the path he has carved out for my life, I'm about to launch a girls small group out of Outbreak. We'll meet every other week and I'll be heading it up. I even have keys to the church now. God is wild. It's insane to me to see how my life has progressed in the last month, let alone the last six months. Huge things are happening in me and in the church. I'm so blessed and humbled by what God is able to make happen and I can't wait to watch it develop in me and everyone around me. I may not have a job, I may be living in my sister's spare bedroom, I may not be able to pay my bills next month, but you know what? Life is good. God is awesome and when you make Him your number one priority, nothing else can hold you down. Trust Him completely and He will make your wildest dreams come true, not to mention keep your head above water in the mundane tasks of everyday life.

Until next time!

Life Change full of #ContagiousLove

Here it is: the "long-awaited" entry about what has been happening in the past few months of my life and the reason why my posts have been less than scarce. The short version? I'm quitting school; I'm moving back to PA; I'm stepping up into my calling of ministry. The long version? It's full or fear, hesitation, blessings, glory, sacrifice, and honor. It's also long--if you are new to my blog, you have officially been warned; if you've been here before, well then you already understand my definition of long. But here goes nothing!

I've always had a missionary heart. I've always felt called to the high school/college age group. I've always felt like I've gone through all of the crap in my life so I can help others through it. Feel free to read any/all of my previous entries to get a sense of these things/my life. So when I graduated from ESU the same summer that Nathan moved to California with Clarity, I was dying to join them. I didn't. That was the first real calling I had felt God place on my heart and I slowly made excuses and talked it away. Almost my entire first year of grad school in New York was plagued with thoughts of guilt about this. Every day I was doing research about missions trips, getting credentialed, jobs in CA, you name it. And every day, I talked myself into staying at school. My family would be so disappointed. My old teachers/friends would look down on me. Most of my friends/family won't understand why I'm giving up an education for church. It's so far away. It's only a few years, maybe I'll go when I'm done. Maybe God didn't really put that on my heart... And on and on my mind took me; down the rabbit hole of doubt and disbelief. The funny thing is, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and there is no question that God placed that on my heart.

But God sees time differently than we do. We think time is linear--it has a beginning, middle, and end; but God sees all of time at once. He knows what He wants us to do, what we will do, and what the outcome will be. God knew I wouldn't go, but He placed that so strongly on my heart so it would affect me down the road. Until that time however, He used the fact that I stayed to build other qualities in me for when the time was right. I was awarded a teaching assistantship at school. Unlike most TA jobs though, I was actually teaching two courses without another professor interacting with my students. For all intents and purposes, I was a college professor; the only thing missing was the three little letters behind my name (PhD). I taught two classes a semester for four semesters; that's a lot of time working both one on one and with groups of teenagers as instructor, mentor, and friend. I have no doubts that God used this time to build my experience level with the exact age group He had always put on my heart.

I continued to dislike school however. In all reality, teaching was my favorite part of being at Binghamton. The program I was there to study in, was only a physical place for me to go to; mentally, I was always elsewhere. I managed to get by, but I was only biding my time and trying to make the years go by so I could finally escape the place that had become a prison to my heart. I felt like I was living a double-life; trapped in a nightmare at school, trudging through, praying the years would fly by (which is a terrible way to think in your early-twenties), versus my home life on weekends and school breaks where I was involved in church and other activities that made me feel engaged, interested, and excited. I knew I couldn't keep this lifestyle up but was too afraid to make any changes to the course that was plotted for me. Fortunately, I had several road blocks pop up a few months ago. I won't detail them here, because they sound like things got difficult and I wasn't willing to work hard or was afraid and running away or whatever. Even through the eyes of a Christian it would appear that way and I don't blame people for questioning me when I talk about it. All I can say, is that I really felt God speaking to me through these events. Basically, the time had come; all of the lessons I had been taught, all of the guilt I felt for not following His call, everything had compiled to this moment where I was meant to step out of the boat.

I started praying more deeply about everything in my life and God gave me the courage to completely rearrange it. I had made my decision: I was going to leave school. I made contact with several people about it because I wanted to be held accountable; I didn't trust myself not to chicken out. I fortunately had a lot of support from close friends and Jeremiah and the rest of the VanScoten clan. I mustered up the courage to tell my family; some took it well, others didn't, but they had no choice to accept that I am an adult and needed to "make my own mistakes" (sadly, not all of my family members are Christians, so they couldn't understand a lot of how I was feeling). As difficult as dealing with all of this was (and trust me when I say it was difficult, getting acceptance from my immediate family members took a few weeks and several "family meetings"), the hard part was still to come: I had to tell my professors, friends, and roommate up at school. I put it off for weeks. Trying to come up with any possible excuse for why I was leaving school; something I could tell them that wouldn't leave me defending my decision in days worth of debates. Nothing came; but time hadn't stopped ticking. I had no choice but to just tell them how unhappy I was and had finally made the decision to follow my heart. Honestly, my roommate and friends have not taken it well. They cried; they argued; they pleaded; they guilted; they told me I'd regret it; told me I was making a huge mistake; told me I was being dumb; heartless; immature. They still openly say I need to change my mind and that I have a few more weeks before the semester is over to correct my mistake. To say it has been hard to bear is an understatement, but thankfully God has given me peace in His plans for my life (and has been stalking me with the verse Jeremiah 29:11).

It hasn't all been as difficult however. God poured blessings and grace on me as I continued to pursue His plans regardless of the reactions of my friends. I spoke with professors in my department about it. They told me they could see I had clearly thought everything through; that they respected me too much to try to convince me to follow a path that would make me miserable; that they knew what it was like to disappoint people in pursuit of a life they wanted. They even told me they would welcome me back at any time in the future if something happened and I decided I did want the degree after all. This was a huge relief to the anxiety I had been carrying. I needed to talk to the department that I taught for as well. When I spoke to my superior, she told me she had done a very similar thing and dropped out of school very near the end; she told me all about the negative feedback people gave her and how happy her life turned out because she followed what was in her heart. She is even going miles out of her way to get me recommendations and certifications before I leave in May to help me get a job when I return home. God gave me so much confirmation through her words and actions. Words fail me at how awesome He is when I think back on these few meetings went.

While all of this has been going on in New York, I have been having meetings at my church in PA. I have become part of the leadership team for an emerging high school ministry called Outbreak. Again, words fail me at how pumped I am to be a part of this. I have no doubts in the slightest that God has called me here at exactly this time, for exactly this reason. My heart bursts for the girls I have already gotten slightly acquainted with and I can't even imagine the lives Jesus will touch through me. I couldn't possibly be more excited to know that in a few short weeks I will have moved back to PA and be around and working on this ministry full time. I am so unbelievably blessed.

So that's the story, at least, the story so far anyway. I'm finally stepping out of the boat and following Jesus for real. It's terrifying because the unknown is always terrifying; especially in this world where we are ruled by money and job titles. But more than anything it is exhilarating! If you take nothing more from this entry, take this: ignore the fear and trust God. I've always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 but I'm finally starting to live it. When you step out in faith, God provides, blesses, and honors you. All I want to do with my life is to show people how awesome He is because there is truly nothing and no one greater. He is peace, love, joy.

Step out of the boat. Don't look back. Keep your eyes on Him and you will do miracles. Philippians 4:13. Welcome home!

Rewind: Let's Take a Step Back

You know, we hear and confirm all the time that life is flying by at a million miles an hour and things are going by so fast that we never take the time to sit back and appreciate them. It’s so true. I’m only 24 and I know I’m constantly feeling like time is flying by and I won’t have enough of it to accomplish everything I’m called to do. I have A LOT to say about this, and will, in a future entry. There are so many things happening in my life at the moment; but I still need to get things all settled before I can go into depth about them here. But know that a long post will be coming in the next few weeks explaining so much about the past few months of my life. I know I’ve been conspicuously absent from this blog for so long now, and this has been the main reason. I’ve been dying to write so many things; but I need to make sure everything is settled in reality before I can divulge it all online. How terrible would it be to find something out about someone online rather than from them personally? So hold out just a little longer dear followers, I will fill you all in soon, I promise.

That aside, I’ve been looking back through my entries and I have several drafts written up that I’ve never posted. I edit and reedit my entries depending on what I’m saying and I end up not getting the chance to finish them sometimes. Then, life flies by, and I never go back to finish or post them. It’s a shame really; some are funny and interesting or have really great moments. At this point however, I’m going to do a really quick summary of a few of them so the gist can at least fall into the expansive abyss that is the web for random people to stumble upon. That, and I’m trying to wrap up a bunch of things I’ve left open and waiting for far too long.

A few were explaining my summer, beyond the identity crisis I went through, these entries were the fun stuff: travels, adventures, and sun! So here is the short version (all richness of detail extricated, which is unfortunate, but I suspect I don’t hold people’s interest much anyway, so why assist the process). After the semester ended, I went to DC with Kayla to visit my sister. We did all of the touristy things: monuments, museums, the works. I realized after all the times I had been to DC to help my sister move and graduate and everything in between, I still had never seen any of these. She moved back to PA in the middle of the summer, so that was my last chance with a free place to crash. Kayla and I returned to DC for a second visit several weeks later where we met up with some of my old friends from high school. We went out to the bars (Kayla and I, my sister and her friends, and my high school friends) and made new friends. Kayla and I got to go rock climbing with these friends the next day. I went hiking several times with Jeremiah as we got to know each other, become friends, and ultimately began dating. I became even closer with the VanScoten clan than I was and am continually blessed by their impact on my life. Kayla and I then took a kayaking trip down the Delaware River and paddled 80 miles in three days. That’s about a third of the entire length. The goal is to knock out the other two thirds in the future. Following that, Kayla and I went down to Nola for a few days and had an amazing time touring, biking, visiting Tulane, eating beignets, and so many things that would take pages more than I can spare to discuss here and now. It was a really eventful and life changing summer for sure. I’m so blessed for all of the opportunities I’ve had and can’t wait to see what else is in store for future summers.

I also had a draft that was about a great moment I had in church. I’m going to just cut and paste it below. Keep in mind it was probably about mid-summer that I actually wrote this, so it’s dated, but it was well expressed and when I read back through it I knew I wanted to make sure it did actually get posted at some point. So here goes:

“I had a really amazing moment in church probably a month or so ago now. The pastor asked all the women to place our hands on the men and pray over them for something specific that we were talking about in church that day. I placed my hand on the guy I was sitting with at the time but noticed another man in front of me with no women next to him. I admit I did hesitate, I'm not always the most outgoing in these areas, but I truly felt like I had to step up so I placed my other hand on this man's shoulder to pray over him as well. As pastor was praying I kept thinking about how my arm was starting to hurt because I was reaching out so far to be able to touch this man's shoulder. Almost as soon as I finished that thought I felt God telling me that sometimes it may be uncomfortable or even painful to reach out to others to touch them with God's love, but the joy of knowing you endured it to glorify Him is so amazingly wonderful. It was a big slap in the face for my missionary heart and definitely an arrow pointing me toward my appropriate future. The symbolism that God showed me in that instant was truly awesome. After service that man came up to me and shook my hand and thanked me several times. He said it meant so much to him and he felt so compelled to tell me how grateful he was. I know that was God's way of confirming what He had just planted in my heart.”

Even now, rereading this does great things in my spirit. God is just so awesome. This excerpt will also be very intriguing to keep in mind for when I am able to finally write the long post I mentioned at the start of this one. It was a powerful moment for me and I think these kinds of moments are crucial to share to uplift and encourage others.

There was one other draft in the battery of half-written thoughts on my page, but this one I think I will actually write, eventually. It has no real significance, but it just fun and interesting. I intend to get much more involved on this blog again in the next few months, so I’m sure it will be posted at some point. I guess at this point, that’s all I have for this post. Basically, I just wanted to address the things I had already drafted but never posted and put them out here in some form at least; and give anyone who actually reads this a heads up that I haven’t dropped off the planet and that big things are coming: a huge story about change and growth and a much more attentive writer to her blog. Big things are happening, don’t shy away from the greatness you’re called to! Until next time faithful readers, adieu!

Convictions of a Spiritual Awakening

Ok, so I know it has been...five months? Since I've posted here. The main reason for that is because this has been the busiest semester of my life to date and hopefully, the last. While I should spend much more than a few sentences catching you all up on my life since July, that's all you're going to get because I have something far more important to me that I want to say here now while it's fresh rather than going into full details of the last few months. I might get around to giving more details on these past months in a later post after my stress level has dropped significantly.

So here's the last five months in as much of a nutshell as I'm capable: if you've been reading this blog at all you know the summer was my soul-searching identity crisis. Well, to ruin the ending, I found myself. I'm in a new (well, new four and a half months ago now) relationship and it is the healthiest, most true and loving relationship I've ever been in in my life and I'm more than blessed to have had this fall into my lap like it did. I fought myself hard about even starting the relationship because I was truly committed to being single and moving a lot and doing a lot of solo things for the next few years, but sometimes you just can't fight God's plans; and I'm thankful I didn't. I couldn't have asked to be in a better place or to be treated any better. I've had some relationship issues with friends, and I'm not sure where things really stand even at this point, but I've given the entire thing to God and trust in His timing and judgement. And, like I mentioned before, I've been living the busiest, most stressful semester of my life. This is my last semester of coursework. So, I'm taking three graduate courses, writing my prospectus, writing proposals, essays, budgets, and more for fellowships (I'll talk more about that in a later post), taking an undergraduate Arabic course because it's important for my future/dissertation, and teaching two writing courses. Add to all of that stress and sheer volume of work, the fact that I have my comprehensive exams the week of January 16th (happy birthday to me...). This is writing two essays a day, about 15 pages each essay, for three days. These essays require arguments and a lot of outside sources to be cited. Oh, and I have to know all of those sources, their arguments, and the criticisms to those arguments, from memory, no open books whatsoever. Needless to say, my stress level has been sky high and beyond having an insane amount of work all semester, I've had comps and studying for them looming and taking up more of the little time I have. So this week ahead is my finals week; meaning that I have no time to do anything whatsoever beyond school stuff until Friday. And instead of Friday being this wonderful end to the stress (and the start of the wonderful week long post-finals coma) it just means I now have the time to truly dedicate to studying for comps. I've already warned my family I will be reading note cards all through Christmas dinner, and I will be returning to Binghamton as soon as the holiday week is over, so I can move into the library.

So, with that brief life-update in mind, I clearly should not be distracting myself by writing this post; and certainly not now of all possible times. But like I mentioned before, I feel really convicted right now, and sometimes, I really have to disregard my responsibilities and just share the blessings and teachings God puts on my heart. I just wont be sleeping tonight to make up the work time. Anyway, God has been doing crazy things in me recently. It vaguely started a few months ago for reasons I'll get to in a minute, but it really started to take shape when we begin the series "Bold" at church. I won't go into the details here, I actually have a complete post I'd like to dedicate to that, but the gist is we need to be bold. Simple right? But it's pretty intense when you think about it. We care so much about our reputations and how we are perceived in this life. It actually makes me sick to think about because (while things aren't so great in our country these days) in the U.S. we have the freedom to go to church and have faith in whatever we choose. Realistically, the consequences we get by being openly bold with are faith is that people will mock us. Yes, I realize there are sometimes more legitimate consequences, but for the most part, we just hate being picked on. So while we hide in the shadows, there are people all of the world who are literally being tortured and killed for even showing a hint of a Christian faith. It's maddening that we're so selfish; and frankly, it pisses me off because I know I'm just as guilty of this. But I'm digressing (be prepared for a lot of this); the series was about boldness in life, in prayers, in obedience, and so on. It really struck something in me; I'm not sure I can even pinpoint it, but something started in me with this series.

Then, I start receiving all of these blessings at the most random times and from the most random places. I was talking to Jeremiah's youngest brother Jack a week ago. Jack is 12, loves to shoot people up in video games, and while I have no doubt he has a solid faith in God, is your average 12 year old boy just dealing with life as the youngest brother and is generally underestimated. Well, he showed me a drawing he was working on last week. It was a rose, with roots, and this bursting color coming out of the petals. He told me he wanted to write "faith" and Jesus" in the roots; he then proceeded to tell me that when we have a solid faith in Jesus (he indicated to the roots), the thorns of life (he indicated the thorns on the rose) can't touch us and we will blossom (he indicated to the busting colors). Whoa. Who saw that coming? I didn't, certainly not at midnight from Jack who is generally running around doing 12 year old boy things. I was blown away and put into a spiritual high because he just touched my heart and I just saw so much potential in him and his future at that moment. It was truly inspiring.

The other blessings I've been having, started before the bold series started, but has been a weekly blessing, including today, and I truly believe will continue to be a blessing in many future weeks. Now, bear with me because I know this is going to start out sounding really silly. Tim Tebow. There's been a lot about him in the media lately and I see so much coming from this. For those of you who are still lost; Tim Tebow is the current quarterback of the Denver Broncos. I've been a Broncos fan most of my life, so obviously, I love that he's winning games for us (again, for those unaware-we started the season with a different QB, we only won one game and had lost four; including today, for every game Tebow has played since those first five, he has only lost one and has won seven). But this has become so much more than football to me. I love the sport, I love winning; but this guy has truly captured my heart. But the point of this isn't just to praise Tebow; I've got bigger plans than that.

I keep joking that Tebow is taking years off of my life; each game we win comes down to the last seconds, and quite often overtime, before I can breathe again and sit back off the edge of my seat. Tebow isn't perfect; he's got a lot to work on; but as far as any professional athlete can be, he's real. Tebow has been persecuted a lot because anytime his team scores or wins a game, he points to the sky thanking God. His "touch down dance" is getting on a knee in prayer. Obviously, mainstream media and commentators have been having a field day with this. Yet, the "Tebow magic" has led to seven incredible victories. Jeremiah commented a few weeks ago that the Broncos keep winning because they have God's favor. This may sound silly, but Jeremiah elaborated on this better today (not that I didn't agree the first time). He said that this is exactly how God operates. He uses an imperfect vessel to accomplish great things. He used Moses, a guy who could barely speak, to lead an entire people out of slavery. Now, I realize football and saving a nation are vastly different, but like I already said, Tebow isn't necessarily a great QB. Obviously he plays pro football and won the Heisman trophy in college, so he has skills, but he has shown many areas where he is lacking. It's one of those times where God uses the weak to lead the strong. And I agree, I think God is showing the Broncos favor. Even with all of the persecution, Tebow has never wavered in declaring his faith and thanking God through the games and victories. When they interview him after games the first thing he says is that he has to thank his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because that's how they got where they did.

Something big is coming. I feel it deep in my soul. God is preparing to turn our nation on its head; I have no doubts. I was on another high (not only from the nail-biting victory of tonight's game, but like I said, this is so much more than football now) after the game and had a two hour car ride to really think. I make this drive often, and find it a great place to pray and convene with God. I can pray out loud which helps my A.D.D.-self stay focused, and I blast worship music and feel like I'm using this time much more productively. So tonight, I fell into an intense state of worship; I was praying so rapidly and deep and was saying things before I had a chance to process what I was thinking. I literally prayed the entire two hour ride and basically had to tell myself to shut up because I was walking through my front door and didn't need to freak out my roommate for "talking to myself". I had a lot of revelations and a lot of convictions during these two hours and that's really why I'm writing this post at all.

So, I was on this high from Tebow, and as I prayed I felt like God was agreeing that He was showing favor. Obviously, I don't know that this will happen, this is really just how I envision God making His point, but I could honestly see the Broncos beating the Packers in the Super Bowl. The Packers are currently undefeated; they beat the Broncos earlier this season with our first QB. And like I said, I have no reason to believe this will happen, for all I know the Broncos could lose every game for the rest of the season, I just think it would be the ultimate way for God to show what He's doing. An upset team beating an undefeated team for the title. I'm not saying that what God is doing is picking a favorite team, or showing the importance of football. I am saying that God has big things in store. Huge. Change is coming. I truly believe that this is one step He is making to shift the entire culture of our nation. Football, in reality, is silly and pointless. But, the Superbowl has the biggest viewing audience than any other program on television. To me, it makes sense to put an athlete (an occupation we tend to covet in this country) in a position to glorify God with millions of witnesses. There have already been so many people who criticize Tebow, and I know this will never stop; realistically it'll only get worse. But the potential for thousands of people to see what God can do, and for any of that audience to feel an inkling of curiosity about Jesus is truly incredible. God has placed this man into one of these highly coveted roles of a professional athlete. While most of them act in a certain manner we've come to expect in sports, we're seeing something different with Tebow. A lot of people hate it, most can't explain it, but God's glory is shining through Tebow's position and success. The potential for a cultural upset here is huge. I truly believe this cultural upset is coming. Maybe not through a Broncos Superbowl; but it's coming.

I feel like I had several pieces of the puzzle shown to me during my drive tonight. I don't see the whole picture, I may never, and the pieces I see now aren't even fully connected; but there are little snippets all over the place. My vision is of only one tiny particle of the big picture and I can boldly tell you a cultural revolution is coming. The fact that I can say that, and I know sheerly how much of the picture I can't see, overwhelms me to no end. I can feel this change on our heels and realistically, I have no idea about what's coming in the slightest. Whoa.

I'm inarticulate in my head about just how much this means to this world, let alone to explain it here. Here's the gist: we're talking about the different Innovation campuses on the East Coast, Clarity is out on the West Coast (I've heard Nathan talk about how he believes God has them on either side of the country for a reason, and I believed him; but I've had my own glimpse into the truth of that tonight. Wow.), there are famous people like Tebow upsetting the sports enthusiasts across the country, there are little people across the nation (like myself with this blog--part of the reason why I was so convicted to write this now instead of grading papers) expressing their faith in various ways. All of these snippets and more are in my sight and I feel this revolution coming. And yes, I use the word revolution because there will be a dividing line. Critics will become more cynical; many people will harden their hearts to "those damn Christians trying to impose their views on everyone else"; but so many people will be exposed to God. People will just know there is something special and different about any one of these people they encounter and their lives will be changed forever as the Holy Spirit touches them.

We're in the end times. I don't understand God's time, and honestly, I've never spent much time studying the book of Revelation, but I know we're in the end times. Whether the end times encompasses ten minutes, a decade, or a century I have no clue; so I can't say any of this in relation to anything even remotely on a time frame. But tonight I just felt like I was looking at the country, like a map of it or something, and it was completely enshrouded in darkness. But we can't be "a light in the darkness" if all we have are puny one-double-A-battery-sized flashlights. I saw fire. Blazing, hot, balls of fire. There was a big one on the West Coast, a Big one on the East Coast, and a bunch of small ones scattered all over the nation. This is what we're called to be. God took the passion already burning in my heart and turned the gas on high tonight. That's what we all need to do. If we're not blazing with a fire so out of control, how can we expect the flames in our hearts to spread like wild fire across the nation? This is what's coming. I think Tebow is triggering little sparks nationwide. Sure, at the same time the darkness is growing ever-thicker; but new flames emerge every day.

Tebow's not the only one sparking flames, we all have the capability, he's just in a position to reach a national audience. But that's his calling. Not mine. Not yours. We were all made to do a specific job for God. We all went through our pasts to help condition and hone ourselves to be a better tool for that job. It takes time and dedication to God to even get a glimpse of what that job may be. I've written before about some of the things that I know God has put into me and I had confirmation with those tonight, as well as a half-step more of insight into my future. I'll never see the whole picture, and I never have to, all I have to do is trust and listen. But most importantly, I have to do everything in my power to keep the gas to my flame turned on high. That is the only way I can have the strength and courage to stand up about my faith regardless of persecution as Tebow does. That's the only way I can boldly live for Jesus, boldly pray for direction, and boldly follow His commands for my life. Tonight has truly been the most spiritual encounter I've ever had and I have no doubts things will only get deeper from here. But I just feel convicted. Convicted to share my observations. Convicted to share the insights God gave me. And convicted to make you more convicted. Change is coming. The revolution is upon us. Is your gas on high or is your flame going to be stamped out at the first hint of darkness? God's a gentleman, it's your choice to decide. All I can say is I'd rather be swept up in the flame than drown in the darkness. I can't wait to see how the fire erupts from famous people, "little" people, and church congregations world wide. God's glory is amazing; watching His plans unfold is awe-inspiring. I've certainly been inspired; and all I can do is hope that you've been impacted in some way too.

What a Coincidence!

God will never cease to amaze me by what leaps and bounds He does things in my life. The last three days have been so powerful for me I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll refer back to what I’ve said several times in the past: I don’t believe in coincidences, not anymore. If you follow this blog or know me at all, you know this summer has been more or less an identity crisis for me. I’ve spent most of my time re-learning who I really am and what I want in my life and where my heart is.

Naturally, as I finally try to close this uncertainty in my life, Nathan comes from Santa Monica to preach at Emerge and speaks from Colossians; he talks all about identity and the necessity of knowing who you are. I think it’s funny actually. I imagine God watching all of us, knowing just how clueless we are, running around like we can find the answers on our own strength and then He sits back chuckling when we finally get that slap in the face of understanding at the precise moment he commanded it. God definitely has a sense of humor and I think He likes it when we can chuckle back at his cleverness. But I digress. So Nathan and Jess came to the East Coast to spend time with their families, which means the rest of us were blessed with them at church. Friday night was the young adult service and BBQ. I love hearing Jess sing, she always puts me into this wonderful state of worship. Then coincidentally the worship team played the exact song that has basically been my anthem since last week. Nathan, as I mentioned, preached straight into my heart about the necessity of knowing who you are and it has really convicted me. Then we all spent the evening outside with lots of food, laughter, and friendships. There was just so much peace. I also realized I’ve fallen in with a completely different crowd at church these days, and it’s so refreshing to actually be me rather than so-and-so’s-someone-or-other.

This morning I was blessed again when both Nate and Jess took the stage for worship, it’s been a while since they were both up there; I miss that. Heather and Jess sang a song together that was so, so beautiful. There was so much emotion and grace pouring out of these two strong women of God that I can’t imagine anyone missing the significance of what God does in all of our lives, whether we understand it or not. Nathan brought us all up to date on the Clarity plant and all I can say is whoa. I’m in awe of what God is doing through them. I was out there just last summer for two days and it was great but things have grown so much since then; I really don’t know what else to say about it except that I’m in awe. I was so glad I got to talk with them both after service for a minute and Jess brought up something that coincidentally came into my head during service (with no provocation from what Nathan was discussing). It has the potential to turn my life on its head and I’m thrilled for the idea, but I want to spend some time in prayer about it before I start talking about it here in specifics. I want to make a decision on this with as little worldly influences as possible; so, I apologize for the vagaries at the moment, but I’ll fill you all in when the time is right.

This evening I went to the bible study in Coopersburg that I’ve been attending for a short while now. It gives me so much encouragement to be involved with so many different groups of believers. We’re constantly being called to be missionaries in our homes, schools, places of employment, etc. that I think we hold this image that outside of our church no other Christians exist. It’s like how all the news we see on tv is bad and depressing, and you see the same things so often that you basically forget that anything good is actually going on until you see it for yourself. So for me to spend this morning hearing about the growth of a church in LA, sit in worship in Mount Pocono, and then attend bible study in Coopersburg is such an encouraging thing. But I digress again. I’m starting to feel comfortable at this bible study, which is exciting for me. I know a handful of people by name now, I don’t awkwardly sit on the sidelines but participate in banter about the world cup or lady gaga, and people actually know my name and come up to me to chat after we’re done. I’ll come back to this thought in a minute, however.

The message tonight was very compelling for everyone. We’ve been reading through Matthew 5 and tonight we discussed basically how our words no longer hold any meaning. There’s so much dishonesty, lies, exaggeration, sarcasm, and so on that when you really think about it, why do we ever think anyone is being true about anything ever? Jesus said to let our ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and our ‘no’ be ‘no’ and that’s that. I won’t go into the whole teaching here, but it was very enlightening. We also discussed the whole notion of turning the other cheek and lending things to others. Again, I won’t explain the whole thing here, but every person in that room was spoken to directly, there was no way around it. We got into small prayer groups and found that most of us were on the same page with a lot of the issues we raised.

After this, I was blessed again because God used me to comfort and encourage someone else. The world would think we’re mad but it takes a group of Christians to understand that being used isn’t a bad thing at all because when God uses you and you know He’s using you, there is no better feeling. Anyway, the biggest struggles of my past were able to help comfort and advise another. While I obviously don’t want anyone to feel pain or suffer, I feel so blessed that God allowed this connection to happen between this person and myself so that I can allow God to show his grace to her through me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this on my way home tonight (I suppose it helps too that it takes me about an hour and fifteen minutes to get home from there) and I think I discovered another aspect of my calling. I’ve said that travel and writing are my number one and two biggest passions and I’ve toyed with the idea of missionary work. Regardless of what my ultimate calling may be, and going back to what I was saying a few minutes ago about finally being comfortable and making friends and things here, I think part of who I am is to be a connector (for serious-lack of a better word). What I mean is, I’ve realized over the years (but never really thought about it) is that I’m a very eclectic person and I’ve got friends from every clique, style, age, race, region, and whatever other distinctions you want to make. Something I’ve always been good at has been finding something in common to connect over with people. I’ve got such a ridiculous array of experiences, hobbies, interests, and so forth that I don’t think I’ve ever found someone I can’t sit down with and after a few minutes of awkwardness be able to find something we share and make a connection with them. Go figure, today I coincidentally realized the reality of this and how important this ability is as a Christian. In keeping with my vagueness from earlier in this post, this could become more useful in my future than I originally thought.

So like I said, this weekend has been blessing after blessing after blessing. It was just last Sunday that I recanted all of the nonsense I’ve been involved in but it feels like that was months ago. God has done some crazy things in my life in only seven days. It’s times like these that are the most humbling, when you can see how different you are in seven days time and know that you had nothing to do with it. But I guess that’s just another coincidence of having Jesus in your life, isn’t it?

No. More. Compromises.

I've been going through a lot lately. Which is probably why it has taken me over a month to update this: between feeling guilty or hypocritical or sheerly being busy it has continuously been pushed aside. I've been having a really good time this summer hanging out with my friends and doing a lot of things I typically don't do. Not that any of these things are really terrible in the grand scheme of things but for the person I am and the values I hold these are definitely non-typical and a bit surprising for me. I try to justify them and talk myself into believing that 'it's ok because I never do this' or 'I deserve a break' after dealing with so many difficult things, but the truth of the matter is that it's not ok and I've been compromising who I am just to fit in with this world and take a vacation from the struggles of my life. I've had a lot of truth spoken to me over the past few weeks and while it touched me it has basically come in one ear and gone out the other, sitting just off my shoulder where I think of it here and there and know I should actively seek out that truth and embrace it rather than let it slowly slip to the wayside like I have been. Today pastor said several things that spoke right to me and I refuse to keep letting these things fall to the wayside. So I'm committing right now to more actively be the person I know I'm called to be and quit making all of these compromises that only end up upsetting me more than I started after the instant gratification wears off.

I'm not really a person who has ever had self-esteem issues or cared much what others thought of me. I know I'm not perfect and I know plenty of people don't like me for this reason or that but for the most part I'm comfortable in my skin. I like certain things, I act the way I act, and if people don't like that it hasn't really bothered me because I'm not compelled to change who I am. There's only one of me and I embrace that; why become a carbon copy of someone else and let your uniqueness fall off the earth? What I've been struggling with though, has been compromising. The unfortunate thing is that it has been happening on such a small scale and for such a long time that I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up until I finally stopped, took a look around, and had no idea where or who I was anymore. I've struggled with indirect conflict because I hold specific values and others do not. Basically, I had spent almost six years in a relationship that started out on the same page and then suddenly we took diverging routes. I continually made compromises to who I was because I thought if only I took this one step in that direction it would fix the relationship and we'd be back to the happy days we had in the past. I was continually forced to make these compromises until, like I said, I suddenly didn't know who I was anymore. My faith was used against me and I was told to forgive as many times as I was wronged, to sacrifice, and so many other things. But when both people aren't using the same rule book, things will never work how they're supposed to. I felt used and manipulated, which makes me mad at myself because I always thought I was stronger than that, and it only made the ultimate fallout so much worse. I don't go into all these details and say these things to give a bad reputation to the person involved (because obviously most people reading this will know exactly who I'm talking about), and after all a relationship is two people and I know I did so many things wrong there too, but the point is, it has been a huge learning experience in my life. Whether you actively change who you are in attempt to gain acceptance or if you make these small compromises of character that build on top of one another, you are losing the person God made you to be. I'm not saying compromising on things is always bad, but I refuse to go down a road where I am forced to no longer be myself ever again.

That's what this summer has been all about for me. I needed to re-learn who I was and commit that to memory so I never let myself stray again. I'm not fully there yet; I've made a lot of excuses and bad choices so far, but I'm still learning, still growing. I know who I don't want to be, what I don't want in my life. I have learned what things I enjoy doing and will maintain those in my future. I am actively going to pursue the things I know are good for my health-physically and spiritually. I've reached a turning point today. I spent a month and a half acting my age (which unfortunately, I mean as an insult considering the stereotype of my generation) and now I'm ready to step back up to be the woman I am called to be. I am a daughter of God and I am going to do everything I can to glorify Him through my life. Actions speak, words lie. But it's so much more than just actions, it's an attitude of the heart. I'm on fire now; my path is finally clear and I'm running head first into the life meant for me. There's no time to waste: change comes now. No more compromises.

* * *

"You turned away when I looked you in the eye,

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,

Seems like you're fighting for your life,

But why? Oh why?

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere,

And there's always scars,

When you fall that far.

We lose our way,

We get back up again,

It's never too late to get back up again,

One day you will shine again,

You may be knocked down

But not out forever..."

-Get Back Up (tobyMac)

Soul Searching

I love catching up with good friends. This is a regular occurrence for me, every summer and winter getting together with some friends from high school to catch up with each others’ lives. I had such a get together today and I realized how much has happened in my life in a few short months (that naturally in school time feels like years). I think the majority of people hate change; it’s human nature. We cling to the familiar. I know I’ve certainly never liked change. The thing is, I’m in a period of life-change right now; what’s weird though, is I’m excited for it. There has been a lot going on under the surface in my life recently and without getting into all the sordid details I’ll just say that ultimately (and ironically) I feel like I’ve just had the world handed to me. My life has been opened up and I have the capability to really do whatever I want, when I want. The possibilities for my life just exponentially boomed. Naturally this feeds my urge to travel, but what it really feeds is my urge to live. There are so many places, events, experiences, and the like waiting for me to go out and grab them. While it may not have been overt, there has always been some things holding me down or keeping me from reaching for these things with all I’ve got. And while I still care about seeing my friends and family, those strings have all fallen away and I can just go. I can live my life and know those who are important to me will always be there when I need them.

I’m not sure how much sense this posting will make. There are so many thoughts running through my head that when I try to talk to anyone about this I end up sputtering all over the place and ultimately saying little to nothing at all. There are just so many things trying to get through that none of them are able to articulate themselves. That’s how I feel this post will ultimately turn out: a bunch of ramblings that won’t build a full coherent thought but just give a small glimpse of what I’ve already called “life-change”. I say it this way because while everyone hates change, it usually refers to a specific event or a certain area of life. What I’m talking about literally encompasses all areas of life, and to me, that’s something entirely different. This encompasses location, education, employment, …all the way down to the core pieces of who someone is as a person. I think this is part of the attractiveness of moving to nola: I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please other people that when I really stop to think, I’m not really sure how much of it is really who I am and what I want, and how much of it is solely people-pleasing. I’ve discussed before the appeal of being completely independent, but there’s also the idea of being in an area with absolutely no one I know, therefore no influences to act a certain way or do certain things. Who will emerge? I don’t know. There are parts of me that I know are fundamentally me, things that I know are truly who I am and want to be. But the more I look at my past and who I am, the more pieces I find that I’m really not sure if it was my choosing or influences from others. I think this is an amazing opportunity to really see who I am inside.

I spent four and a half hours just catching up and letting the pensiveness fly with my friend today. The last hour and a half was spent watching the sun change the colors of the sky over a twisting and turning river, reflecting each color in turn. It was beautiful and definitely let the pensiveness run rampant. I know there were so many times where I was talking and saying nothing, but it’s moments like these that really open my head up and let me start to sort out my life. This summer is a turning point. I don’t know how things will be different; I don’t know what will overtly change in my life. But things aren’t going to be the same, I know that much. This is huge. It’s life-change. And contrary to past experience, I’m running straight for it.

Chapter 2: Moving On?

I’ve just started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really has me thinking. I think I’ve always believed in divine intervention. I don’t think I’ve always called it that; I don’t always now; but the concept has always existed to me. I’ve always thought that everything happens for a reason—good or bad—you’re meant to learn from certain things or they happen exactly when you need them to so you can learn something or take one step closer to fulfilling your ultimate potential. The reason I bring this up is because I bought this book years ago. It has been sitting on my shelf collecting dust and making friends with the dozens of other books I’ve purchased and pushed aside for the sake of schoolwork. I picked it up tonight out of what seemed to be sheer coincidence. I LOVE reading; I fall in love with the language and the imagery, the people, the places. They become real to me and I’m sad when I finish a book and have to say goodbye to the characters I had invested so much time in, so much that I feel as if they are friends who have moved away and I may never see again. I finished reading a series this evening and as always, a feeling of despair and loneliness crept over me at the loss of those friends and places. The easiest fix to this for me is grab something off the shelf and delve into the next universe and when I feel close enough to the characters and am sure they will still be around tomorrow to surprise me with their adventures, I can finally go to sleep. When I went to my shelves tonight I was looking for some fictional book I could drown myself in for the next few hours. I’ve mostly exhausted my fictional books apparently and those remaining were not catching my interest. There remained a few shelves of non-fictional books. These are not the textbook type books that come to mind when you hear “non-fiction” but rather real stories told by people who lived them. These kinds of books have intrigued me for a while now; as I’ve mentioned many times before, I love travel and I love to write. These books are basically people traveling for one reason or another and writing about their experiences and how they’ve grown and learned. I have books like this from China, India, Afghanistan, Mali, and on the list goes. I can’t completely say what made me choose this one, again I refer to the divine intervention thing here, but tonight, I picked up Eat, Pray, Love. I lent this to a friend right after I bought it and she loved it and said I would too, but life went on, one thing led to another, and you know the story. But tonight, I started reading it and I’m only about 30 pages in but it already has me looking at so many aspects of my life—how they are, how I want them to be. The author begins her tale by explaining the relational struggles and changes she is going through; I can certainly relate to that on several levels right now. She explains how she was “culturally a Christian, not theologically” which, I thought was a great way of describing that divide that Christians often point out in our society. She “opens a religious conversation” with God and her life, relationships, work, and travels go from there. Like I said, I’m not very far along yet, but I am certainly intrigued and invested already. She makes me want to get up and go. I’ve said in previous entries how I’m excited to get out and live my own life, how traveling is my biggest passion, how I’m dying to write. At several points already I’ve set the book down, looked around my room, and started planning to pack it up. I’ve already taken mental notes of certain characteristics and stylistics of writing that I would be interested in using for my own future works. I’ve certainly been thinking of how I’d love to travel to the places she talks about. (Again, I already wanted to travel everywhere, this has only made me rearrange the list a bit). I can already see it: my small house somewhere—my home base, a neighbor watching over it as I go off for a few weeks or months at a time—exploring remote areas of foreign nations, documenting all of the highs and lows of my visits, compiling each anecdote into some work to inspire others and instill passions within them as my favorite authors have done for me, coming home long enough to enjoy those close to me until I need to move again so I concoct another trip and head off.

Even now, I pause to collect my thoughts on where to go next with my writing here and I find myself evaluating my room again. I like where I’ve come from, what I’ve done so far, what I value, but there’s still something missing. There’s something inside me that’s urging—more like yelling in my soul—that I need to travel and write and get out of this small town and really do something. I mean no disrespect to my hometown or the people in it; it’s just not my calling. Growing up I always said I was going to move far away. I went through a short phase where I was afraid to move out of the wing of my family but events that followed obviously made that decision for me. But now, things are actually really good for my family; in the grand scheme of things they aren’t great, but for my family, this may honestly be the best they’ve ever been for me. I’m on my own, managing my own responsibilities—car, apartment, insurance, school, work, pets…all of these status symbols that I’m an adult in the U.S. but it’s not where I’m called. I’m not even necessarily talking about this from a religious standpoint—although I’ve noticed that they often (if not always) go hand in hand in my life. I think it’s partly because I just finished school this past week (for the summer that is); it doesn’t help that Conner is getting fixed so I’m car-less and stuck in the house for a few days—it leaves me far too much time to think (did I mention I don’t have cable or internet here either?) so all I do is read, listen to music, and think. I’m obviously not opposed to any of these; it just really gets me on tangents sometimes. I just wish I knew where I was going. If I could (which who knows, I may actually end up doing this for all I know) I would just start packing up my things here in this house. Pack up all the memories and put those into a pile to save and open to recount my life to my children someday; pack up all the things I would want to unpack when I actually find that house with the friendly neighbor to watch over it while I travel; and pack up all those things that I want with me in the here and now, the things that will traverse the globe with me and be mentioned for their participation in one crazy event or another. I want to be completely prepared so that when that door finally opens, that light points the way, I can up and go and just really live. I feel like I’m in limbo, biding my time and waiting to see what I’m supposed to do—I hate that. There is a quote from the movie “You’ve Got Mail” that caught my attention the first time I saw the movie as a child. Meg Ryan’s character is typing an email and says, “So many thing I see in life remind me of something I read in a book when, shouldn’t it be the other way around?” As much as I have been blessed with, I still feel like this is my life. I don’t want to live only in these other worlds, through other people. I’m here, I exist, I’m able. It’s time I started living these things myself.

I'm Seeing a Theme in My Life

Wow. There are so many different things that I want to talk about here but with school and life and everything else I have found it increasingly difficult to sit down and post on this thing. Now I look back and have maybe five different things that could have been full posts individually with more depth and meaning to all of them and unfortunately I will cram most, if not all, into one mere entry and never do them justice as I had originally intended.

I've written posts about this before in other blogs and while I always think it's semi-stupid and semi-funny to write about, there is still something behind the surface that is very important. Sadly, I am a Gleek. For those of you who have no idea what that is or are thinking of that weird spitting thing from under your tongue and are even more confused, let me help. A Gleek is someone who watches the show Glee and (unfortunately) gets too into it. Basically, Glee is a trashy show with so much ridiculous drama that I really can't stand it most times. However, as the title suggests, this is about a glee club: therefore, lots of singing. I get sucked into this stupid show all the time because of the great music they put out (mostly remakes, but they have dabbled in original works recently). So while the plot-lines drive me nuts, the music keeps me coming back. Every once in a while however, they come out with something pretty great. The episode I'm talking about is "Born This Way". The episode focuses on accepting the things you hate about yourself because you were born that way and are special for a reason. This culminates with a performance of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I had never heard this song until then (I know, I live under a rock...named gradschool; and I know this episode isn't even the most current one, but I was behind due to traveling and schoolwork) but the song is really great. I just think the entire episode was really inspiring because there are songs throughout the entire episode and the way the chose the songs to mix with the theme was incredible. There was a mash up of "Unpretty" and "I Feel Pretty" that two girls were singing while the one was going to the doctor about getting plastic surgery. It was a very powerful few minutes to watch actually. The desire that young girls face to be something they think they're supposed to be mixed with the sadness of losing who you really are leaves you a little stunned as an audience. Not that this isn't a message we're seeing more frequently these days, but it was very tactfully done and I was moved by it. Ultimately, the entire episode was very inspiring and I thought it was worth mention here because it isn't often that these messages are portrayed to the masses by people they are actually interested in mimicking.

The next thing I wanted to mention was something that has been running around in the back of my mind...I guess for a few years now actually, and in terms of it being immediately on my mind it comes and goes at select moments. Recently (I think maybe two weeks ago now) was one of those moments, although it was shorter-lived this time than most, probably because I've been so overwhelmed with the end of this semester. Many of you may know that I've played around with the idea of being a missionary for a while. I continuously try to see where God is ultimately leading me and I'm sure I pretend to hear certain things that I don't because I'm human and I don't want my world turned upside down like God calls it to be. Anyway, I've always known I was built to travel--I wouldn't have this built in passion for it, no known allergies, and no fear/dislike/sickness from planes or boats if it wasn't something I was meant to do in my life. Nathan always told us to look at what we had in our hands and not compare ourselves to others--this is one of those things I'm sure is in my hand for a reason. The thing is though, I'm not sure if I'm meant to be flitting off to Africa or elsewhere to start a ministry. I've always felt like more of a speaker, friend, and role-model more so than a minister or pastor. So this has led me to question where I'm supposed to be then. Growing up, while I would have to say my biggest passion has always been travel, the second thing I would say is writing. It has taken many forms throughout my life, but I can't remember not liking to write in some way shape or form: poems, short stories, attempted novels, blogs, and so many more, I love it all. So my thought was maybe there is something I'm supposed to do with writing and use that to travel and speak worldwide. I don't know for sure yet, I'm trying to see where I'm led without letting my personal wants to influence things, but I think that would be a really cool and amazing use of my life. Another thing I've been feeling very strongly about is my age. I'm young, and I think that is something I'm supposed to take advantage of. It started out almost as a gimmick for school--I'm impressive and worth your time because I finished undergrad early--by now I'm 23 and almost done with my PhD. This becomes a really mixed bag though. I am very proud of my accomplishments--but what do I have to be proud about? I need to be pulled down a peg or two sometimes because I let these accomplishments mean too much to me. However, I have gotten a lot of respect and admiration from my accomplishments, and while that can easily fall back into the pride problem, my point here is that it got me thinking. If people have come to respect me and look up to me because of my accomplishments in comparison to my age, shouldn't I be using that to glorify God? I've had a good deal of time to think about this and I'm sure that I'm supposed to use my age to influence people. The question is when? Where? I know each and every day should be used to glorify God and show Him to others, but I truly feel called to be going somewhere and doing it more openly than just acting in accordance with His word. This is where I get stuck and I fear not figuring it out soon enough and then, I'm no longer this young age-meant to influence a certain generation or group. I'm curious though, about this blog specifically. This may be a gateway to something I don't see yet. I couldn't even tell you the reason I started this specific blog, it was a very spur of the moment decision for me. And I've never held a blog quite as regularly as this one. Nor have I gotten as much feedback from seemingly random people about what I've written than I have with this blog. So maybe this is just the first door I need to walk through to get to the ultimate goal. I still don't know, like I said, I'm still looking for direction, but I'm slowly putting pieces together and I know there has to be something going on under the surface here.

It's hard sometimes to keep your eyes on God and trust that what you're hearing is form Him and not a manipulation of many other things in life. But there are certain moments, when you have no doubts, none whatsoever, that you have been blessed and that God was holding you in that moment. There is no way to describe the feeling of peace and excitement that comes with 100% knowing God's touch; this weekend was one of those moments. A great friend of mine, Kayla, ran a marathon yesterday. I know she was really nervous and psyching herself out the whole time: she had completed a marathon years earlier, and when she attempted another, she ultimately dropped out. This has been plaguing her ever since and it has been killing me to watch her torture herself with it. The only thing that could help her overcome was to complete another one: so the gauntlet was thrown and yesterday was her day for personal redemption. I had no doubts that she could do it but I knew she would get into her head and start psyching herself out so I was worried for her. Apparently, around mile 12 she ended up feeling sick, plus having pain, and of course, the mental psyche-out had begun. I could have cried when she ran passed us at one point, I didn't want her to torture herself for something I knew she was more than capable of doing. We caught up with her at another point where I had decided I would run a few blocks with her to see if I could get her spirits up a bit. Worth a shot right? That was where God stepped in. And while I had fleeting moments of knowing He was there (partially because my "Team Kayla" shirt was decked out in scripture, partially because a lot of runners commented about how great the shirt was, and partially for other reasons soon to come), I didn't put too much thought into it until after. To make a long story short, I ran 8 miles, in jeans, after not having done any real athletic activity in about two months. I went with Kayla from mile 17 to 25 and she was definitely in better spirits when I left her than when I joined her. Rhi, Kayla's roommate, caught up with us right at 25 and took her the rest of the way in. There was blessing after blessing in that hour-ish time. And so many things that are a slap in the face that duh! God knows what's going on and has had it planned forever. Case in point (silly as it may sound): I haven't worn sneakers in months, even with the cold Binghamton weather, I've been wearing flip flops because I'm in rebellion against the cold and demanding nice weather. So, any ideas as to why I wore sneakers to that race? In Delaware-a place significantly warmer than Binghamton. Top that off with the fact that I had actually brought my running sneakers instead of my other ones. Small, stupid even, but a pretty big coincidence if you ask me (and I've said before, I don't really believe in coincidences anymore). But like I was saying, God did so many things in that time: I have a recurring hip problem from running on pavement in high school; I have never run 8 consecutive miles in my life; I haven't run at all in about two months; I have a really sore side from Friday, so even walking at times during the weekend hurt a little; I was wearing tight, denim jeans. And yet- the whole time I ran I felt no pain, no discomfort, and all else considered, no exhaustion. God held me so I could jabber on about nonsense and try to distract Kayla and lift her spirits. God lifted her spirits through me-I was used by God-that's so cool! I'll never be so excited about being used by anyone, haha. I called it quits at mile 25 and right as I told Kayla to push on, and felt terrible about sending her off alone, I looked up and bam! There's Rhi, heading right to her to take over where I had to stop. Rhi even said afterward that she never planned to come that far up the course, one thing led to another and it just kind of happened. Not only did Kayla complete her race and completely conquer all of the bad memories from the last one, but she didn't walk once during this race-a brand new accomplishment for her! I'm so, so proud of her for getting through the day. And I'm beyond excited about all of the blessings that were poured on us during that race; retrospectively it's all just so amazing to see how the pieces so perfectly fit together. It was definitely one of those moments I will always look back on and feel God's presence and blessings.

There were a few other things I wanted to bring up in this entry but I think I'll save them for another time since they aren't as in-keeping with the theme I've managed to build here. So I guess I'll just finish this up by saying never doubt that God has you in the palm of His hand; and when you least expect it, He'll show you how much he loves you and let me tell you-it's really overwhelming, but worth every second of pain, anxiety, or sorrow you've dealt with. He is awesome.

Rambling Pensiveness

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm in a state of transitions and I'm not sure what they all mean, let alone what they all are. I guess I'll start with school transitions. I've got two weeks left in my second year of grad school. Honestly, there are a lot of times that I'm surprised I made it this far. Some of you may know the internal struggles I've gone through from just about day 1 since I started. I've had issues being up here in just about every realm of life, yet somehow I've managed to stay in my program (probably out of sheer unwillingness to give up-a blessing and a curse I suppose, but I have no doubts I'm made this way for a reason). Anyway, while finishing my second year may not seem like any big deal, to me it's pretty huge. I only have one semester of classes left after this before working solo on my dissertation. Granted there are still many hurdles before I get to that point, but my class load, the last classes I will ever have to take in my life (that's a wonderful thought!) are mere months from being completed. The real world for me kind of starts there. I will need to manage my own time to complete my dissertation, find funding, and hopefully, find a job while I'm writing or at least set one up for when I graduate. It's weird to me to be in this place. I certainly feel more like an adult than I ever have in my life, but it's still weird to take that step back, look at yourself, and try to figure out how you actually because this real person. I am being ridiculously inarticulate and frankly, cheesy about this, but again I find myself unable to really express what's going on in my head. Along with starting my final semester of classes in a few short months, I will also be living in a new apartment. No, I don't know where yet, but my roommate and I know that living next to our ridiculously loud neighbors is certainly not conducive to schoolwork, let alone dissertation writing. Hopefully, in a few months time, we will be living in a nice place outside of all the noise that is Binghamton, with a backyard to relax in.

In terms of jobs, I have been free of the restaurant a few short weeks and it has been wonderful. However, this also means I will need a new job for the summer to pay the bills. I have a possibility lined up and it would actually be quite ideal if it works out. My main goals for this summer are to get a first draft of my prospectus completed, do some research toward my dissertation, get back in shape, and have some fun time with friends. The job I am hoping pulls through is to work the desk at the gym I currently attend. This job would actually make all of my summer goals more than possible. While sitting at the desk I will have plenty of time to research and write. I will get a free membership to the gym for the summer and it seems like I have some good resources to switch shifts for the few days I want to hang out with my friends. Plus, having this job would obviously allow me to pay for my apartment, car, phone, and all the other materialistic crap that we undoubtably "need" being brought up in the U.S.

That last statement is obviously something else that has been on my mind. I love technology; being brought up in my generation it's hard not to. Yet for all of the "stuff" I have, I've been growing to kind of hate it. As much as I love playing on Facebook and obviously I enjoy writing in my blog and so many other things, I hate being so connected to everything. This is part of what came to pass in Romania. Obviously, no cell phone, very limited internet, nothing going on it that sense. I miss that. I kind of hate my blackberry right now. If I could, I'd get a crappy, first generation cell phone and keep it off unless there was an emergency--you know, the reason why cell phones originally became popular--not to be engulfed by emails, texts, Facebook notifications, tweets, and I don't even know what else. I love Conner, especially since I got the title in the mail (I own my first car, so cool!) but I'm dying to be able to ride my bike to school rather than driving everywhere (and if the stupid weather in Binghamton didn't suck, I could actually do that). Even now as I'm typing this (which like I mentioned, I realize is a bit hypocritical since I'm on a computer, posting a blog and complaining about being too connected) I have to stop to check all of the emails that just came to my phone. If I had my way, I would pick one way to be this connected and say screw the rest. Let me have my blog I'll be just fine traveling, working, and doing whatever else minus the phone, the emails, the texts, Facebook, and the like. Again, I know I'm being hypocritical because I live in the U.S. and I will continue to play on Facebook and text all of my friends, but I'm so annoyed at it all and at myself for enabling it to continue. I joke with a lot of my friends about this but maybe one day I really will just become a hermit and only come out of my little hole to travel before ducking back inside.

Along with these transitions in school and adulthood and the like, I feel like I'm finally transitioning out of my past. While I realize there are billions of people who have had much worse lives than I will ever have, I've had a pretty trying 23 years so far (if you know me well enough you obviously know the big points, if you don't maybe one day I'll decide to talk about some of them here-no guarantees). There have been some events and some people that have been weighing me down for years and as hard as I've tried to move past them, there always seems to be that tether that's able to drag me right back down when I least expect it. But I think being away from PA for a while now has helped me to finally realize what I let myself get sucked into. Ultimately, there is only so much that you can do in life and for me to try to please everyone and pretend like everything is fine will never happen. Acceptance and growth. I'm sure I will upset people in the future and it will seem like I have no regard for people's feelings but at this point I really need to do what's best for me and what I feel I'm called to do. There are people in your life who mean well and ultimately make things worse; if it's insensitive to make the choice not to go under then fine; I'm a jerk. It's something I'll have to live with at this point because I can't keep worrying every single day about things that are in the past. I can't control my past but I can control my future, and I choose to move forward and live a life that will make me as happy as I can be here on earth.

There are still so many other things I've been thinking about. I think if I continued to talk about them all this entry would end up being obscenely long. I don't want to make anyone have to read that much. Which, apparently, is quite a few people: in the last four days I've had more people come up to me and talk to me about my blog than I ever knew even knew of its existence. I'm a little shocked to know that many people actually read this stupid thing (I say stupid because I'm obviously still a bit resentful to technology, hypocritical as I'm being right now). So for all of you who have revealed yourselves as readers (and the others who they must have found out from, who I still don't know who they are) thanks for checking out my random ponderings, ramblings, rants, joys, and so on. It's cool to know that anyone at as is interested in anything I have to say. Which has been another thing on my mind actually, the lack of value of what I have to say in the grand scheme of things, but I'll save that rant for another time. For now, I'll just say that as much as I feel like I've figured out about myself and my life recently, I still feel like I'm ultimately so lost. It's the old, for every door that closes two open in its place thing. There are so many doors open in front of me. While there are some I obviously will be going through, there are so many more that leave me wondering what's next. Maybe I'll never know; it's all part of life, but every now and again I get very pensive and rambling is my only outlet. This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it has basically been a stream of consciousness anyway. So my apologies for those of you trudging through this thing hoping for some sort of revelation; I don't know if you really got anything out of it at all; I'm not even sure I did, but talking in circles helps me clear my head (ironic as that is). Next time I'll make sure I've got a more straightforward message to convey. As straightforward as anything is in life these days anyway.