Life Change full of #ContagiousLove

Here it is: the "long-awaited" entry about what has been happening in the past few months of my life and the reason why my posts have been less than scarce. The short version? I'm quitting school; I'm moving back to PA; I'm stepping up into my calling of ministry. The long version? It's full or fear, hesitation, blessings, glory, sacrifice, and honor. It's also long--if you are new to my blog, you have officially been warned; if you've been here before, well then you already understand my definition of long. But here goes nothing!

I've always had a missionary heart. I've always felt called to the high school/college age group. I've always felt like I've gone through all of the crap in my life so I can help others through it. Feel free to read any/all of my previous entries to get a sense of these things/my life. So when I graduated from ESU the same summer that Nathan moved to California with Clarity, I was dying to join them. I didn't. That was the first real calling I had felt God place on my heart and I slowly made excuses and talked it away. Almost my entire first year of grad school in New York was plagued with thoughts of guilt about this. Every day I was doing research about missions trips, getting credentialed, jobs in CA, you name it. And every day, I talked myself into staying at school. My family would be so disappointed. My old teachers/friends would look down on me. Most of my friends/family won't understand why I'm giving up an education for church. It's so far away. It's only a few years, maybe I'll go when I'm done. Maybe God didn't really put that on my heart... And on and on my mind took me; down the rabbit hole of doubt and disbelief. The funny thing is, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and there is no question that God placed that on my heart.

But God sees time differently than we do. We think time is linear--it has a beginning, middle, and end; but God sees all of time at once. He knows what He wants us to do, what we will do, and what the outcome will be. God knew I wouldn't go, but He placed that so strongly on my heart so it would affect me down the road. Until that time however, He used the fact that I stayed to build other qualities in me for when the time was right. I was awarded a teaching assistantship at school. Unlike most TA jobs though, I was actually teaching two courses without another professor interacting with my students. For all intents and purposes, I was a college professor; the only thing missing was the three little letters behind my name (PhD). I taught two classes a semester for four semesters; that's a lot of time working both one on one and with groups of teenagers as instructor, mentor, and friend. I have no doubts that God used this time to build my experience level with the exact age group He had always put on my heart.

I continued to dislike school however. In all reality, teaching was my favorite part of being at Binghamton. The program I was there to study in, was only a physical place for me to go to; mentally, I was always elsewhere. I managed to get by, but I was only biding my time and trying to make the years go by so I could finally escape the place that had become a prison to my heart. I felt like I was living a double-life; trapped in a nightmare at school, trudging through, praying the years would fly by (which is a terrible way to think in your early-twenties), versus my home life on weekends and school breaks where I was involved in church and other activities that made me feel engaged, interested, and excited. I knew I couldn't keep this lifestyle up but was too afraid to make any changes to the course that was plotted for me. Fortunately, I had several road blocks pop up a few months ago. I won't detail them here, because they sound like things got difficult and I wasn't willing to work hard or was afraid and running away or whatever. Even through the eyes of a Christian it would appear that way and I don't blame people for questioning me when I talk about it. All I can say, is that I really felt God speaking to me through these events. Basically, the time had come; all of the lessons I had been taught, all of the guilt I felt for not following His call, everything had compiled to this moment where I was meant to step out of the boat.

I started praying more deeply about everything in my life and God gave me the courage to completely rearrange it. I had made my decision: I was going to leave school. I made contact with several people about it because I wanted to be held accountable; I didn't trust myself not to chicken out. I fortunately had a lot of support from close friends and Jeremiah and the rest of the VanScoten clan. I mustered up the courage to tell my family; some took it well, others didn't, but they had no choice to accept that I am an adult and needed to "make my own mistakes" (sadly, not all of my family members are Christians, so they couldn't understand a lot of how I was feeling). As difficult as dealing with all of this was (and trust me when I say it was difficult, getting acceptance from my immediate family members took a few weeks and several "family meetings"), the hard part was still to come: I had to tell my professors, friends, and roommate up at school. I put it off for weeks. Trying to come up with any possible excuse for why I was leaving school; something I could tell them that wouldn't leave me defending my decision in days worth of debates. Nothing came; but time hadn't stopped ticking. I had no choice but to just tell them how unhappy I was and had finally made the decision to follow my heart. Honestly, my roommate and friends have not taken it well. They cried; they argued; they pleaded; they guilted; they told me I'd regret it; told me I was making a huge mistake; told me I was being dumb; heartless; immature. They still openly say I need to change my mind and that I have a few more weeks before the semester is over to correct my mistake. To say it has been hard to bear is an understatement, but thankfully God has given me peace in His plans for my life (and has been stalking me with the verse Jeremiah 29:11).

It hasn't all been as difficult however. God poured blessings and grace on me as I continued to pursue His plans regardless of the reactions of my friends. I spoke with professors in my department about it. They told me they could see I had clearly thought everything through; that they respected me too much to try to convince me to follow a path that would make me miserable; that they knew what it was like to disappoint people in pursuit of a life they wanted. They even told me they would welcome me back at any time in the future if something happened and I decided I did want the degree after all. This was a huge relief to the anxiety I had been carrying. I needed to talk to the department that I taught for as well. When I spoke to my superior, she told me she had done a very similar thing and dropped out of school very near the end; she told me all about the negative feedback people gave her and how happy her life turned out because she followed what was in her heart. She is even going miles out of her way to get me recommendations and certifications before I leave in May to help me get a job when I return home. God gave me so much confirmation through her words and actions. Words fail me at how awesome He is when I think back on these few meetings went.

While all of this has been going on in New York, I have been having meetings at my church in PA. I have become part of the leadership team for an emerging high school ministry called Outbreak. Again, words fail me at how pumped I am to be a part of this. I have no doubts in the slightest that God has called me here at exactly this time, for exactly this reason. My heart bursts for the girls I have already gotten slightly acquainted with and I can't even imagine the lives Jesus will touch through me. I couldn't possibly be more excited to know that in a few short weeks I will have moved back to PA and be around and working on this ministry full time. I am so unbelievably blessed.

So that's the story, at least, the story so far anyway. I'm finally stepping out of the boat and following Jesus for real. It's terrifying because the unknown is always terrifying; especially in this world where we are ruled by money and job titles. But more than anything it is exhilarating! If you take nothing more from this entry, take this: ignore the fear and trust God. I've always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 but I'm finally starting to live it. When you step out in faith, God provides, blesses, and honors you. All I want to do with my life is to show people how awesome He is because there is truly nothing and no one greater. He is peace, love, joy.

Step out of the boat. Don't look back. Keep your eyes on Him and you will do miracles. Philippians 4:13. Welcome home!

Rewind: Let's Take a Step Back

You know, we hear and confirm all the time that life is flying by at a million miles an hour and things are going by so fast that we never take the time to sit back and appreciate them. It’s so true. I’m only 24 and I know I’m constantly feeling like time is flying by and I won’t have enough of it to accomplish everything I’m called to do. I have A LOT to say about this, and will, in a future entry. There are so many things happening in my life at the moment; but I still need to get things all settled before I can go into depth about them here. But know that a long post will be coming in the next few weeks explaining so much about the past few months of my life. I know I’ve been conspicuously absent from this blog for so long now, and this has been the main reason. I’ve been dying to write so many things; but I need to make sure everything is settled in reality before I can divulge it all online. How terrible would it be to find something out about someone online rather than from them personally? So hold out just a little longer dear followers, I will fill you all in soon, I promise.

That aside, I’ve been looking back through my entries and I have several drafts written up that I’ve never posted. I edit and reedit my entries depending on what I’m saying and I end up not getting the chance to finish them sometimes. Then, life flies by, and I never go back to finish or post them. It’s a shame really; some are funny and interesting or have really great moments. At this point however, I’m going to do a really quick summary of a few of them so the gist can at least fall into the expansive abyss that is the web for random people to stumble upon. That, and I’m trying to wrap up a bunch of things I’ve left open and waiting for far too long.

A few were explaining my summer, beyond the identity crisis I went through, these entries were the fun stuff: travels, adventures, and sun! So here is the short version (all richness of detail extricated, which is unfortunate, but I suspect I don’t hold people’s interest much anyway, so why assist the process). After the semester ended, I went to DC with Kayla to visit my sister. We did all of the touristy things: monuments, museums, the works. I realized after all the times I had been to DC to help my sister move and graduate and everything in between, I still had never seen any of these. She moved back to PA in the middle of the summer, so that was my last chance with a free place to crash. Kayla and I returned to DC for a second visit several weeks later where we met up with some of my old friends from high school. We went out to the bars (Kayla and I, my sister and her friends, and my high school friends) and made new friends. Kayla and I got to go rock climbing with these friends the next day. I went hiking several times with Jeremiah as we got to know each other, become friends, and ultimately began dating. I became even closer with the VanScoten clan than I was and am continually blessed by their impact on my life. Kayla and I then took a kayaking trip down the Delaware River and paddled 80 miles in three days. That’s about a third of the entire length. The goal is to knock out the other two thirds in the future. Following that, Kayla and I went down to Nola for a few days and had an amazing time touring, biking, visiting Tulane, eating beignets, and so many things that would take pages more than I can spare to discuss here and now. It was a really eventful and life changing summer for sure. I’m so blessed for all of the opportunities I’ve had and can’t wait to see what else is in store for future summers.

I also had a draft that was about a great moment I had in church. I’m going to just cut and paste it below. Keep in mind it was probably about mid-summer that I actually wrote this, so it’s dated, but it was well expressed and when I read back through it I knew I wanted to make sure it did actually get posted at some point. So here goes:

“I had a really amazing moment in church probably a month or so ago now. The pastor asked all the women to place our hands on the men and pray over them for something specific that we were talking about in church that day. I placed my hand on the guy I was sitting with at the time but noticed another man in front of me with no women next to him. I admit I did hesitate, I'm not always the most outgoing in these areas, but I truly felt like I had to step up so I placed my other hand on this man's shoulder to pray over him as well. As pastor was praying I kept thinking about how my arm was starting to hurt because I was reaching out so far to be able to touch this man's shoulder. Almost as soon as I finished that thought I felt God telling me that sometimes it may be uncomfortable or even painful to reach out to others to touch them with God's love, but the joy of knowing you endured it to glorify Him is so amazingly wonderful. It was a big slap in the face for my missionary heart and definitely an arrow pointing me toward my appropriate future. The symbolism that God showed me in that instant was truly awesome. After service that man came up to me and shook my hand and thanked me several times. He said it meant so much to him and he felt so compelled to tell me how grateful he was. I know that was God's way of confirming what He had just planted in my heart.”

Even now, rereading this does great things in my spirit. God is just so awesome. This excerpt will also be very intriguing to keep in mind for when I am able to finally write the long post I mentioned at the start of this one. It was a powerful moment for me and I think these kinds of moments are crucial to share to uplift and encourage others.

There was one other draft in the battery of half-written thoughts on my page, but this one I think I will actually write, eventually. It has no real significance, but it just fun and interesting. I intend to get much more involved on this blog again in the next few months, so I’m sure it will be posted at some point. I guess at this point, that’s all I have for this post. Basically, I just wanted to address the things I had already drafted but never posted and put them out here in some form at least; and give anyone who actually reads this a heads up that I haven’t dropped off the planet and that big things are coming: a huge story about change and growth and a much more attentive writer to her blog. Big things are happening, don’t shy away from the greatness you’re called to! Until next time faithful readers, adieu!

No. More. Compromises.

I've been going through a lot lately. Which is probably why it has taken me over a month to update this: between feeling guilty or hypocritical or sheerly being busy it has continuously been pushed aside. I've been having a really good time this summer hanging out with my friends and doing a lot of things I typically don't do. Not that any of these things are really terrible in the grand scheme of things but for the person I am and the values I hold these are definitely non-typical and a bit surprising for me. I try to justify them and talk myself into believing that 'it's ok because I never do this' or 'I deserve a break' after dealing with so many difficult things, but the truth of the matter is that it's not ok and I've been compromising who I am just to fit in with this world and take a vacation from the struggles of my life. I've had a lot of truth spoken to me over the past few weeks and while it touched me it has basically come in one ear and gone out the other, sitting just off my shoulder where I think of it here and there and know I should actively seek out that truth and embrace it rather than let it slowly slip to the wayside like I have been. Today pastor said several things that spoke right to me and I refuse to keep letting these things fall to the wayside. So I'm committing right now to more actively be the person I know I'm called to be and quit making all of these compromises that only end up upsetting me more than I started after the instant gratification wears off.

I'm not really a person who has ever had self-esteem issues or cared much what others thought of me. I know I'm not perfect and I know plenty of people don't like me for this reason or that but for the most part I'm comfortable in my skin. I like certain things, I act the way I act, and if people don't like that it hasn't really bothered me because I'm not compelled to change who I am. There's only one of me and I embrace that; why become a carbon copy of someone else and let your uniqueness fall off the earth? What I've been struggling with though, has been compromising. The unfortunate thing is that it has been happening on such a small scale and for such a long time that I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up until I finally stopped, took a look around, and had no idea where or who I was anymore. I've struggled with indirect conflict because I hold specific values and others do not. Basically, I had spent almost six years in a relationship that started out on the same page and then suddenly we took diverging routes. I continually made compromises to who I was because I thought if only I took this one step in that direction it would fix the relationship and we'd be back to the happy days we had in the past. I was continually forced to make these compromises until, like I said, I suddenly didn't know who I was anymore. My faith was used against me and I was told to forgive as many times as I was wronged, to sacrifice, and so many other things. But when both people aren't using the same rule book, things will never work how they're supposed to. I felt used and manipulated, which makes me mad at myself because I always thought I was stronger than that, and it only made the ultimate fallout so much worse. I don't go into all these details and say these things to give a bad reputation to the person involved (because obviously most people reading this will know exactly who I'm talking about), and after all a relationship is two people and I know I did so many things wrong there too, but the point is, it has been a huge learning experience in my life. Whether you actively change who you are in attempt to gain acceptance or if you make these small compromises of character that build on top of one another, you are losing the person God made you to be. I'm not saying compromising on things is always bad, but I refuse to go down a road where I am forced to no longer be myself ever again.

That's what this summer has been all about for me. I needed to re-learn who I was and commit that to memory so I never let myself stray again. I'm not fully there yet; I've made a lot of excuses and bad choices so far, but I'm still learning, still growing. I know who I don't want to be, what I don't want in my life. I have learned what things I enjoy doing and will maintain those in my future. I am actively going to pursue the things I know are good for my health-physically and spiritually. I've reached a turning point today. I spent a month and a half acting my age (which unfortunately, I mean as an insult considering the stereotype of my generation) and now I'm ready to step back up to be the woman I am called to be. I am a daughter of God and I am going to do everything I can to glorify Him through my life. Actions speak, words lie. But it's so much more than just actions, it's an attitude of the heart. I'm on fire now; my path is finally clear and I'm running head first into the life meant for me. There's no time to waste: change comes now. No more compromises.

* * *

"You turned away when I looked you in the eye,

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,

Seems like you're fighting for your life,

But why? Oh why?

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere,

And there's always scars,

When you fall that far.

We lose our way,

We get back up again,

It's never too late to get back up again,

One day you will shine again,

You may be knocked down

But not out forever..."

-Get Back Up (tobyMac)

Rambling Pensiveness

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm in a state of transitions and I'm not sure what they all mean, let alone what they all are. I guess I'll start with school transitions. I've got two weeks left in my second year of grad school. Honestly, there are a lot of times that I'm surprised I made it this far. Some of you may know the internal struggles I've gone through from just about day 1 since I started. I've had issues being up here in just about every realm of life, yet somehow I've managed to stay in my program (probably out of sheer unwillingness to give up-a blessing and a curse I suppose, but I have no doubts I'm made this way for a reason). Anyway, while finishing my second year may not seem like any big deal, to me it's pretty huge. I only have one semester of classes left after this before working solo on my dissertation. Granted there are still many hurdles before I get to that point, but my class load, the last classes I will ever have to take in my life (that's a wonderful thought!) are mere months from being completed. The real world for me kind of starts there. I will need to manage my own time to complete my dissertation, find funding, and hopefully, find a job while I'm writing or at least set one up for when I graduate. It's weird to me to be in this place. I certainly feel more like an adult than I ever have in my life, but it's still weird to take that step back, look at yourself, and try to figure out how you actually because this real person. I am being ridiculously inarticulate and frankly, cheesy about this, but again I find myself unable to really express what's going on in my head. Along with starting my final semester of classes in a few short months, I will also be living in a new apartment. No, I don't know where yet, but my roommate and I know that living next to our ridiculously loud neighbors is certainly not conducive to schoolwork, let alone dissertation writing. Hopefully, in a few months time, we will be living in a nice place outside of all the noise that is Binghamton, with a backyard to relax in.

In terms of jobs, I have been free of the restaurant a few short weeks and it has been wonderful. However, this also means I will need a new job for the summer to pay the bills. I have a possibility lined up and it would actually be quite ideal if it works out. My main goals for this summer are to get a first draft of my prospectus completed, do some research toward my dissertation, get back in shape, and have some fun time with friends. The job I am hoping pulls through is to work the desk at the gym I currently attend. This job would actually make all of my summer goals more than possible. While sitting at the desk I will have plenty of time to research and write. I will get a free membership to the gym for the summer and it seems like I have some good resources to switch shifts for the few days I want to hang out with my friends. Plus, having this job would obviously allow me to pay for my apartment, car, phone, and all the other materialistic crap that we undoubtably "need" being brought up in the U.S.

That last statement is obviously something else that has been on my mind. I love technology; being brought up in my generation it's hard not to. Yet for all of the "stuff" I have, I've been growing to kind of hate it. As much as I love playing on Facebook and obviously I enjoy writing in my blog and so many other things, I hate being so connected to everything. This is part of what came to pass in Romania. Obviously, no cell phone, very limited internet, nothing going on it that sense. I miss that. I kind of hate my blackberry right now. If I could, I'd get a crappy, first generation cell phone and keep it off unless there was an emergency--you know, the reason why cell phones originally became popular--not to be engulfed by emails, texts, Facebook notifications, tweets, and I don't even know what else. I love Conner, especially since I got the title in the mail (I own my first car, so cool!) but I'm dying to be able to ride my bike to school rather than driving everywhere (and if the stupid weather in Binghamton didn't suck, I could actually do that). Even now as I'm typing this (which like I mentioned, I realize is a bit hypocritical since I'm on a computer, posting a blog and complaining about being too connected) I have to stop to check all of the emails that just came to my phone. If I had my way, I would pick one way to be this connected and say screw the rest. Let me have my blog I'll be just fine traveling, working, and doing whatever else minus the phone, the emails, the texts, Facebook, and the like. Again, I know I'm being hypocritical because I live in the U.S. and I will continue to play on Facebook and text all of my friends, but I'm so annoyed at it all and at myself for enabling it to continue. I joke with a lot of my friends about this but maybe one day I really will just become a hermit and only come out of my little hole to travel before ducking back inside.

Along with these transitions in school and adulthood and the like, I feel like I'm finally transitioning out of my past. While I realize there are billions of people who have had much worse lives than I will ever have, I've had a pretty trying 23 years so far (if you know me well enough you obviously know the big points, if you don't maybe one day I'll decide to talk about some of them here-no guarantees). There have been some events and some people that have been weighing me down for years and as hard as I've tried to move past them, there always seems to be that tether that's able to drag me right back down when I least expect it. But I think being away from PA for a while now has helped me to finally realize what I let myself get sucked into. Ultimately, there is only so much that you can do in life and for me to try to please everyone and pretend like everything is fine will never happen. Acceptance and growth. I'm sure I will upset people in the future and it will seem like I have no regard for people's feelings but at this point I really need to do what's best for me and what I feel I'm called to do. There are people in your life who mean well and ultimately make things worse; if it's insensitive to make the choice not to go under then fine; I'm a jerk. It's something I'll have to live with at this point because I can't keep worrying every single day about things that are in the past. I can't control my past but I can control my future, and I choose to move forward and live a life that will make me as happy as I can be here on earth.

There are still so many other things I've been thinking about. I think if I continued to talk about them all this entry would end up being obscenely long. I don't want to make anyone have to read that much. Which, apparently, is quite a few people: in the last four days I've had more people come up to me and talk to me about my blog than I ever knew even knew of its existence. I'm a little shocked to know that many people actually read this stupid thing (I say stupid because I'm obviously still a bit resentful to technology, hypocritical as I'm being right now). So for all of you who have revealed yourselves as readers (and the others who they must have found out from, who I still don't know who they are) thanks for checking out my random ponderings, ramblings, rants, joys, and so on. It's cool to know that anyone at as is interested in anything I have to say. Which has been another thing on my mind actually, the lack of value of what I have to say in the grand scheme of things, but I'll save that rant for another time. For now, I'll just say that as much as I feel like I've figured out about myself and my life recently, I still feel like I'm ultimately so lost. It's the old, for every door that closes two open in its place thing. There are so many doors open in front of me. While there are some I obviously will be going through, there are so many more that leave me wondering what's next. Maybe I'll never know; it's all part of life, but every now and again I get very pensive and rambling is my only outlet. This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it has basically been a stream of consciousness anyway. So my apologies for those of you trudging through this thing hoping for some sort of revelation; I don't know if you really got anything out of it at all; I'm not even sure I did, but talking in circles helps me clear my head (ironic as that is). Next time I'll make sure I've got a more straightforward message to convey. As straightforward as anything is in life these days anyway.