Objective 222: Keeping Your Spiritual Fervor

I've been watching myself fall into this annoying cycle over the past few months I've been home. I came home because I wanted to truly follow God's path for my life; momentarily that included helping out at Outbreak, running Chapter Six, taking bible school classes, and delving deeper into the specifics of the future God would have me in. In a manner most Christians can sympathize with, I had my ups and downs: my fire-under-my-butt moments and my stagnant moments. I hate that. Why is it so hard to maintain a constant, full-blown passion to follow Jesus? In the last meeting I had with my girls at C6, we spent some time talking about how the enemy has no creative powers or weapons of his own, all he has are lies and distractions. It is easy to see how lies are bad and manipulative and can negatively affect our lives, but it's not so easy to spot the harm in distractions.

In theory we understand it just fine, but in everyday activity it's a slippery slope. I'll just watch this episode quick before I read my bible. If I check facebook and pintrest before I pray I won't be thinking about it in the back of my head. I need to go to the gym, and I don't have enough time to do that and watch a sermon online before I meet my friends for dinner. I had no power for six days, they'll understand why I didn't come to church this week. I hope these are hitting home for some of you. I say these specifically because I am personally guilty of falling for each and every one of them, but I think they are something everyone can relate with. The distractions are infinitely more prevalent in our culture than we ever truly realize. We like to think that we are mentally strong enough to "take a break" with something, and still come back to passionately follow Christ; the truth is, nine times out of ten, we don't. We go through a season of complacency, and finally get sick of it and step back up...until the next distraction comes.

Honestly, I have watched myself go through this my entire Christian life; it's only as I matured in my faith that I was aware of it and frustrated by it. So as I tried to step out in faith and start truly following the life God has set out for me, it becomes even more maddening to me to watch myself continue in this cycle. I move home, get involved in Outbreak-huge spiritual high; then, stagnation. We take over Sunday service, I get to baptize people-new levels of feeling God's strength and ability; then, nothing. I preached my first sermon ever to Outbreak (which I will eventually someday post on here about); then, back to the grind. And on and on it goes.

I've decided that this has to stop; if nothing else, I need to re-prioritize my daily schedule. So I've done just that. The specifics of it may be menial to some of you, but for others it might be a good outline that you can mold into something that works for you, so I'm going to post it here. Also, keep in mind that I am working on bible school courses and ultimately trying to develop into some leadership capacity (not necessarily a pastor, but something) so I'm committing to a lot more "spiritual food" than you may want to. As you come to know God better or have a better understanding of what He is calling you to do in your life, I would encourage you to adjust accordingly. That may mean more prayer time, more time in the community, more time reading, more time watching sermons online, or something else entirely; we each have our own unique path to follow, so you will always have to decide what works best for your calling. So here are my new daily commitments:
1. Work on bible school classes for at least 1 hour.
2. Listen to/watch 1 sermon online. (usually 45 mins-1 hour)
3. Read/study bible 30 minutes.
4. Work out for at least 1 hour.
5. Take a vitamin.
6. Read (any book) for 30 minutes.
Number four is on this list because first, I am running a half marathon in January, so I have to be in shape, but second, God gave us these bodies so that we can live in them and show His love to others. We need to take care of them; we shouldn't disrespect what God has given us, and we don't want to further the negative image of the church by appearing as if we are uncared for when we have more care than our brains will ever be able to fathom. Number five is the same as four, take care of your insides as well as your outside (and personally, I just need a reminder to take a vitamin, it's so easy to forget). And six is because as silly as it sounds to schedule in leisure time, it is just as easy to fall into a routine of all work and come to despise our own existence. So it is important to make sure you give yourself time to fall into a world of fantasy, or learn something new, or just do whatever it is you really want to do. I have yet to get a job, but this schedule is doable with an eight-hour workday and all the "everyday" activities (meals, shower, commute, etc).

The point is, I know myself well enough that if I don't have things planned out to get done in a day, I won't do them. A nap on the couch is far more appealing than going to the gym. Watching an entire season of a tv show on Netflix is far more appealing than studying. But if it becomes part of my routine, I will not feel like my day is complete until I have been able to check those things off my list; so I'll let the naps and mindless hours trolling pintrest go, to make sure I get the more important things done. Maybe you're different than me, actually I hope you are, otherwise that's a bit creepy, but I know there are plenty of people who function in a similar enough manner that you can understand what I'm getting at with all of this.

Having said all of that, I've been working on implementing this in my life instead of just talking about it like I used to. I've been watching a lot of Steven Furtick's messages through my Elevation Church app. He recently published a book called Greater, which I haven't read yet but it is certainly on my list,  but he did a series about it at his church. I would encourage you to check it out; he does really well with relating scriptures to the reality of today and is definitely the kind of preacher that has you reevaluating what you're everyday life looks like, because chances are, we're not doing as good a job representing Jesus as we should. He is absolutely not the type of preacher to condemn you to hell for being human, trust me, I wouldn't be supporting him if he was, he's just really good at showing us where and how our society falls flat.

I've also made it through a few more chapters of the bible classes I've been "taking" since the summer. Really all these classes have been doing is making me guiltily carry around my books but still only open them once a month. I think I made more progress just today than in the past few months combined. There were a few things that stuck out to me in one of the chapters and I wanted to share them here (all quotes are either scriptures or from the textbook).
1. (in reference to Matthew 5:13-16, talking about salt and light) There were many good points, but one thing to think about for each of these: "Salt creates thirst. ... 'Do I make people thirsty enough to seek God for the answers to life's questions?'" // "...light prevents tripping over obstacles... 'Are people safer because they are on the same path as me?'"
2. (in reference to having an attitude of love) "You cannot always choose your circumstances, but you can always choose your attitude." Matthew 5:48 (msg): "In a word, what I'm saying is, grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. [italics are mine, not in text]"
3. "Just remember that regardless of your present circumstances, the end of the story is still being written for you." (in reference to Matthew 5:48 and Matthew 6:33-34)
4. (in reference to Romans 12:12) "Impatience puts my comfort before God's plan."
and last but not least,
5. Romans 12:11: "Keep your spiritual fervor." 1 Thessalonians 5:19: "Do not put out the Spirit's fire." "...we have a personal responsibility to maintain that fervor, that fire! We cannot excuse ourselves based on feelings or emotions."

The last one is full of meaning for me, and is ultimately why I am posting right now. I find the "coincidences" of my life so humorous sometimes; this is no exception:
1. If you know anything about my "222" thing, you'll understand well. The gist is that the number has stalked me for a few years and I believe it holds a certain significance.
2. I love the poetry from pairing the word "fervor" with some significant precursor. That's why my user name on here is Traveling Fervor.
3. Based on this entire post, you now understand my need to maintain a consistent passion for Christ.

Bring together those three "coincidences" and you'll get this blog post from me. Ah "coincidences", you're too funny...

Life Change full of #ContagiousLove

Here it is: the "long-awaited" entry about what has been happening in the past few months of my life and the reason why my posts have been less than scarce. The short version? I'm quitting school; I'm moving back to PA; I'm stepping up into my calling of ministry. The long version? It's full or fear, hesitation, blessings, glory, sacrifice, and honor. It's also long--if you are new to my blog, you have officially been warned; if you've been here before, well then you already understand my definition of long. But here goes nothing!

I've always had a missionary heart. I've always felt called to the high school/college age group. I've always felt like I've gone through all of the crap in my life so I can help others through it. Feel free to read any/all of my previous entries to get a sense of these things/my life. So when I graduated from ESU the same summer that Nathan moved to California with Clarity, I was dying to join them. I didn't. That was the first real calling I had felt God place on my heart and I slowly made excuses and talked it away. Almost my entire first year of grad school in New York was plagued with thoughts of guilt about this. Every day I was doing research about missions trips, getting credentialed, jobs in CA, you name it. And every day, I talked myself into staying at school. My family would be so disappointed. My old teachers/friends would look down on me. Most of my friends/family won't understand why I'm giving up an education for church. It's so far away. It's only a few years, maybe I'll go when I'm done. Maybe God didn't really put that on my heart... And on and on my mind took me; down the rabbit hole of doubt and disbelief. The funny thing is, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and there is no question that God placed that on my heart.

But God sees time differently than we do. We think time is linear--it has a beginning, middle, and end; but God sees all of time at once. He knows what He wants us to do, what we will do, and what the outcome will be. God knew I wouldn't go, but He placed that so strongly on my heart so it would affect me down the road. Until that time however, He used the fact that I stayed to build other qualities in me for when the time was right. I was awarded a teaching assistantship at school. Unlike most TA jobs though, I was actually teaching two courses without another professor interacting with my students. For all intents and purposes, I was a college professor; the only thing missing was the three little letters behind my name (PhD). I taught two classes a semester for four semesters; that's a lot of time working both one on one and with groups of teenagers as instructor, mentor, and friend. I have no doubts that God used this time to build my experience level with the exact age group He had always put on my heart.

I continued to dislike school however. In all reality, teaching was my favorite part of being at Binghamton. The program I was there to study in, was only a physical place for me to go to; mentally, I was always elsewhere. I managed to get by, but I was only biding my time and trying to make the years go by so I could finally escape the place that had become a prison to my heart. I felt like I was living a double-life; trapped in a nightmare at school, trudging through, praying the years would fly by (which is a terrible way to think in your early-twenties), versus my home life on weekends and school breaks where I was involved in church and other activities that made me feel engaged, interested, and excited. I knew I couldn't keep this lifestyle up but was too afraid to make any changes to the course that was plotted for me. Fortunately, I had several road blocks pop up a few months ago. I won't detail them here, because they sound like things got difficult and I wasn't willing to work hard or was afraid and running away or whatever. Even through the eyes of a Christian it would appear that way and I don't blame people for questioning me when I talk about it. All I can say, is that I really felt God speaking to me through these events. Basically, the time had come; all of the lessons I had been taught, all of the guilt I felt for not following His call, everything had compiled to this moment where I was meant to step out of the boat.

I started praying more deeply about everything in my life and God gave me the courage to completely rearrange it. I had made my decision: I was going to leave school. I made contact with several people about it because I wanted to be held accountable; I didn't trust myself not to chicken out. I fortunately had a lot of support from close friends and Jeremiah and the rest of the VanScoten clan. I mustered up the courage to tell my family; some took it well, others didn't, but they had no choice to accept that I am an adult and needed to "make my own mistakes" (sadly, not all of my family members are Christians, so they couldn't understand a lot of how I was feeling). As difficult as dealing with all of this was (and trust me when I say it was difficult, getting acceptance from my immediate family members took a few weeks and several "family meetings"), the hard part was still to come: I had to tell my professors, friends, and roommate up at school. I put it off for weeks. Trying to come up with any possible excuse for why I was leaving school; something I could tell them that wouldn't leave me defending my decision in days worth of debates. Nothing came; but time hadn't stopped ticking. I had no choice but to just tell them how unhappy I was and had finally made the decision to follow my heart. Honestly, my roommate and friends have not taken it well. They cried; they argued; they pleaded; they guilted; they told me I'd regret it; told me I was making a huge mistake; told me I was being dumb; heartless; immature. They still openly say I need to change my mind and that I have a few more weeks before the semester is over to correct my mistake. To say it has been hard to bear is an understatement, but thankfully God has given me peace in His plans for my life (and has been stalking me with the verse Jeremiah 29:11).

It hasn't all been as difficult however. God poured blessings and grace on me as I continued to pursue His plans regardless of the reactions of my friends. I spoke with professors in my department about it. They told me they could see I had clearly thought everything through; that they respected me too much to try to convince me to follow a path that would make me miserable; that they knew what it was like to disappoint people in pursuit of a life they wanted. They even told me they would welcome me back at any time in the future if something happened and I decided I did want the degree after all. This was a huge relief to the anxiety I had been carrying. I needed to talk to the department that I taught for as well. When I spoke to my superior, she told me she had done a very similar thing and dropped out of school very near the end; she told me all about the negative feedback people gave her and how happy her life turned out because she followed what was in her heart. She is even going miles out of her way to get me recommendations and certifications before I leave in May to help me get a job when I return home. God gave me so much confirmation through her words and actions. Words fail me at how awesome He is when I think back on these few meetings went.

While all of this has been going on in New York, I have been having meetings at my church in PA. I have become part of the leadership team for an emerging high school ministry called Outbreak. Again, words fail me at how pumped I am to be a part of this. I have no doubts in the slightest that God has called me here at exactly this time, for exactly this reason. My heart bursts for the girls I have already gotten slightly acquainted with and I can't even imagine the lives Jesus will touch through me. I couldn't possibly be more excited to know that in a few short weeks I will have moved back to PA and be around and working on this ministry full time. I am so unbelievably blessed.

So that's the story, at least, the story so far anyway. I'm finally stepping out of the boat and following Jesus for real. It's terrifying because the unknown is always terrifying; especially in this world where we are ruled by money and job titles. But more than anything it is exhilarating! If you take nothing more from this entry, take this: ignore the fear and trust God. I've always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 but I'm finally starting to live it. When you step out in faith, God provides, blesses, and honors you. All I want to do with my life is to show people how awesome He is because there is truly nothing and no one greater. He is peace, love, joy.

Step out of the boat. Don't look back. Keep your eyes on Him and you will do miracles. Philippians 4:13. Welcome home!

Rambling Pensiveness

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm in a state of transitions and I'm not sure what they all mean, let alone what they all are. I guess I'll start with school transitions. I've got two weeks left in my second year of grad school. Honestly, there are a lot of times that I'm surprised I made it this far. Some of you may know the internal struggles I've gone through from just about day 1 since I started. I've had issues being up here in just about every realm of life, yet somehow I've managed to stay in my program (probably out of sheer unwillingness to give up-a blessing and a curse I suppose, but I have no doubts I'm made this way for a reason). Anyway, while finishing my second year may not seem like any big deal, to me it's pretty huge. I only have one semester of classes left after this before working solo on my dissertation. Granted there are still many hurdles before I get to that point, but my class load, the last classes I will ever have to take in my life (that's a wonderful thought!) are mere months from being completed. The real world for me kind of starts there. I will need to manage my own time to complete my dissertation, find funding, and hopefully, find a job while I'm writing or at least set one up for when I graduate. It's weird to me to be in this place. I certainly feel more like an adult than I ever have in my life, but it's still weird to take that step back, look at yourself, and try to figure out how you actually because this real person. I am being ridiculously inarticulate and frankly, cheesy about this, but again I find myself unable to really express what's going on in my head. Along with starting my final semester of classes in a few short months, I will also be living in a new apartment. No, I don't know where yet, but my roommate and I know that living next to our ridiculously loud neighbors is certainly not conducive to schoolwork, let alone dissertation writing. Hopefully, in a few months time, we will be living in a nice place outside of all the noise that is Binghamton, with a backyard to relax in.

In terms of jobs, I have been free of the restaurant a few short weeks and it has been wonderful. However, this also means I will need a new job for the summer to pay the bills. I have a possibility lined up and it would actually be quite ideal if it works out. My main goals for this summer are to get a first draft of my prospectus completed, do some research toward my dissertation, get back in shape, and have some fun time with friends. The job I am hoping pulls through is to work the desk at the gym I currently attend. This job would actually make all of my summer goals more than possible. While sitting at the desk I will have plenty of time to research and write. I will get a free membership to the gym for the summer and it seems like I have some good resources to switch shifts for the few days I want to hang out with my friends. Plus, having this job would obviously allow me to pay for my apartment, car, phone, and all the other materialistic crap that we undoubtably "need" being brought up in the U.S.

That last statement is obviously something else that has been on my mind. I love technology; being brought up in my generation it's hard not to. Yet for all of the "stuff" I have, I've been growing to kind of hate it. As much as I love playing on Facebook and obviously I enjoy writing in my blog and so many other things, I hate being so connected to everything. This is part of what came to pass in Romania. Obviously, no cell phone, very limited internet, nothing going on it that sense. I miss that. I kind of hate my blackberry right now. If I could, I'd get a crappy, first generation cell phone and keep it off unless there was an emergency--you know, the reason why cell phones originally became popular--not to be engulfed by emails, texts, Facebook notifications, tweets, and I don't even know what else. I love Conner, especially since I got the title in the mail (I own my first car, so cool!) but I'm dying to be able to ride my bike to school rather than driving everywhere (and if the stupid weather in Binghamton didn't suck, I could actually do that). Even now as I'm typing this (which like I mentioned, I realize is a bit hypocritical since I'm on a computer, posting a blog and complaining about being too connected) I have to stop to check all of the emails that just came to my phone. If I had my way, I would pick one way to be this connected and say screw the rest. Let me have my blog I'll be just fine traveling, working, and doing whatever else minus the phone, the emails, the texts, Facebook, and the like. Again, I know I'm being hypocritical because I live in the U.S. and I will continue to play on Facebook and text all of my friends, but I'm so annoyed at it all and at myself for enabling it to continue. I joke with a lot of my friends about this but maybe one day I really will just become a hermit and only come out of my little hole to travel before ducking back inside.

Along with these transitions in school and adulthood and the like, I feel like I'm finally transitioning out of my past. While I realize there are billions of people who have had much worse lives than I will ever have, I've had a pretty trying 23 years so far (if you know me well enough you obviously know the big points, if you don't maybe one day I'll decide to talk about some of them here-no guarantees). There have been some events and some people that have been weighing me down for years and as hard as I've tried to move past them, there always seems to be that tether that's able to drag me right back down when I least expect it. But I think being away from PA for a while now has helped me to finally realize what I let myself get sucked into. Ultimately, there is only so much that you can do in life and for me to try to please everyone and pretend like everything is fine will never happen. Acceptance and growth. I'm sure I will upset people in the future and it will seem like I have no regard for people's feelings but at this point I really need to do what's best for me and what I feel I'm called to do. There are people in your life who mean well and ultimately make things worse; if it's insensitive to make the choice not to go under then fine; I'm a jerk. It's something I'll have to live with at this point because I can't keep worrying every single day about things that are in the past. I can't control my past but I can control my future, and I choose to move forward and live a life that will make me as happy as I can be here on earth.

There are still so many other things I've been thinking about. I think if I continued to talk about them all this entry would end up being obscenely long. I don't want to make anyone have to read that much. Which, apparently, is quite a few people: in the last four days I've had more people come up to me and talk to me about my blog than I ever knew even knew of its existence. I'm a little shocked to know that many people actually read this stupid thing (I say stupid because I'm obviously still a bit resentful to technology, hypocritical as I'm being right now). So for all of you who have revealed yourselves as readers (and the others who they must have found out from, who I still don't know who they are) thanks for checking out my random ponderings, ramblings, rants, joys, and so on. It's cool to know that anyone at as is interested in anything I have to say. Which has been another thing on my mind actually, the lack of value of what I have to say in the grand scheme of things, but I'll save that rant for another time. For now, I'll just say that as much as I feel like I've figured out about myself and my life recently, I still feel like I'm ultimately so lost. It's the old, for every door that closes two open in its place thing. There are so many doors open in front of me. While there are some I obviously will be going through, there are so many more that leave me wondering what's next. Maybe I'll never know; it's all part of life, but every now and again I get very pensive and rambling is my only outlet. This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it has basically been a stream of consciousness anyway. So my apologies for those of you trudging through this thing hoping for some sort of revelation; I don't know if you really got anything out of it at all; I'm not even sure I did, but talking in circles helps me clear my head (ironic as that is). Next time I'll make sure I've got a more straightforward message to convey. As straightforward as anything is in life these days anyway.

Part I: The Backstory.

For anyone who knows me personally, you know I have several blogs which hold several unique purposes. This is no different. The plan here is just to pass along things that are going on in my life and a little bit of explaining what goes on in my head (a scary thought I know, which is why it's only a "little bit"). I'm hoping to bring together some of the more exciting aspects of my life (travel and adventure) with the mundane yet necessary (and at times exciting in a nerdy sort of way) school and work things. I like to write so not only is this good practice, but I like to put my own artistic expression on things to show people how I see them. I make no guarantees on how often I'll post here. I'd like to whenever the mood strikes, yet the chaos of life will distract me I'm sure. So for anyone out there who cares enough to stalk me (become an official "follower" of my blog if you do-I'll feel good about myself, haha) my apologies in advance for the tireless hours you will waste waiting for a post from me that may never come--note the sarcastic tone.

For anyone who may not know me and stumbles upon this online here's the short version of my life (assuming I can actually tell any story in a "short" version--oh, you'll learn dear reader, just wait...) which I'm sure I will elaborate on parts of from time to time as things come up in future posts. I am currently 23 years old and in my second year of graduate school for my PhD in political science. The ultimate goal is to be a college professor. I should say, the real ultimate goal is travel; becoming a professor is just a means to the end (but one which I will enjoy in the process). That being said, travel is my biggest passion and I will go anywhere I have the chance. New Orleans is my favorite place in the U.S. and I plan to live there when school finally sets me free. I'm finally getting back into athletics like I used to be and it makes me a much happier person on so many levels. I have a B.A. in political science and French. I've been to a total of three continents (one of which is North America), eight countries (U.S. included), and (I think) 39 states. The goal: go everywhere. I realize the improbabilities (such as Antarctica, etc) but I'm still going to try to get to as many places as I can. I started going to church regularly when I was 17 and have a strong faith in Jesus Christ. My life has never been the same since I allowed Him to come into my life and He makes even the little things have meaning. I'm very open minded. Some people may not believe that after my previous declaration, but here's my advice on that: (and I say this from a political mind frame considering it's my field of study) whether you're a liberal or conservative you always hear about the "crazy extremists" on your side and the opposing. I'm willing to bet that you're annoyed that the general view of your party is based on those extremists and/or you're not sure why those extremists seem to be the most common portrayal when you're sure most people are far more moderate. Media exaggerates. War sells; peace doesn't. Basically, don't believe everything you hear. The "crazies" are not the majority. And not all people of true faith are judgmental and close-minded. So, the one request I make here is for anyone who comes upon this to show respect to me as I will to you and come here with an open mind. I welcome any and all comments or questions about anything I post, as long as you interact respectfully. Backtracking slightly, you may be wondering why I italicized "true faith" a few sentences earlier. This is a topic for a much longer post, but the basic gist is that there is a big difference between "religion" and "faith" and the world is full of hypocrites. Again, I stress not to judge a group of people by their outliers. I am currently working on campus teaching freshmen level writing courses as well as working as a server in a restaurant on the weekends. Yes, (un?)fortunate soul who stumbled here, this is the short version, and it's not even the tip of the iceberg; but, I won't go on. I think this is enough to get a feel for this author as a person so what follows may be a bit more comprehensible.

So here goes nothing: a new blog, soon to be full of random musings, pointless tales, rants, adventures, boredom, excitement, and so many other things. Good luck attempting to follow my thought patterns; I hope to hear from you as you read! Enjoy!