Objective 222: Keeping Your Spiritual Fervor

I've been watching myself fall into this annoying cycle over the past few months I've been home. I came home because I wanted to truly follow God's path for my life; momentarily that included helping out at Outbreak, running Chapter Six, taking bible school classes, and delving deeper into the specifics of the future God would have me in. In a manner most Christians can sympathize with, I had my ups and downs: my fire-under-my-butt moments and my stagnant moments. I hate that. Why is it so hard to maintain a constant, full-blown passion to follow Jesus? In the last meeting I had with my girls at C6, we spent some time talking about how the enemy has no creative powers or weapons of his own, all he has are lies and distractions. It is easy to see how lies are bad and manipulative and can negatively affect our lives, but it's not so easy to spot the harm in distractions.

In theory we understand it just fine, but in everyday activity it's a slippery slope. I'll just watch this episode quick before I read my bible. If I check facebook and pintrest before I pray I won't be thinking about it in the back of my head. I need to go to the gym, and I don't have enough time to do that and watch a sermon online before I meet my friends for dinner. I had no power for six days, they'll understand why I didn't come to church this week. I hope these are hitting home for some of you. I say these specifically because I am personally guilty of falling for each and every one of them, but I think they are something everyone can relate with. The distractions are infinitely more prevalent in our culture than we ever truly realize. We like to think that we are mentally strong enough to "take a break" with something, and still come back to passionately follow Christ; the truth is, nine times out of ten, we don't. We go through a season of complacency, and finally get sick of it and step back up...until the next distraction comes.

Honestly, I have watched myself go through this my entire Christian life; it's only as I matured in my faith that I was aware of it and frustrated by it. So as I tried to step out in faith and start truly following the life God has set out for me, it becomes even more maddening to me to watch myself continue in this cycle. I move home, get involved in Outbreak-huge spiritual high; then, stagnation. We take over Sunday service, I get to baptize people-new levels of feeling God's strength and ability; then, nothing. I preached my first sermon ever to Outbreak (which I will eventually someday post on here about); then, back to the grind. And on and on it goes.

I've decided that this has to stop; if nothing else, I need to re-prioritize my daily schedule. So I've done just that. The specifics of it may be menial to some of you, but for others it might be a good outline that you can mold into something that works for you, so I'm going to post it here. Also, keep in mind that I am working on bible school courses and ultimately trying to develop into some leadership capacity (not necessarily a pastor, but something) so I'm committing to a lot more "spiritual food" than you may want to. As you come to know God better or have a better understanding of what He is calling you to do in your life, I would encourage you to adjust accordingly. That may mean more prayer time, more time in the community, more time reading, more time watching sermons online, or something else entirely; we each have our own unique path to follow, so you will always have to decide what works best for your calling. So here are my new daily commitments:
1. Work on bible school classes for at least 1 hour.
2. Listen to/watch 1 sermon online. (usually 45 mins-1 hour)
3. Read/study bible 30 minutes.
4. Work out for at least 1 hour.
5. Take a vitamin.
6. Read (any book) for 30 minutes.
Number four is on this list because first, I am running a half marathon in January, so I have to be in shape, but second, God gave us these bodies so that we can live in them and show His love to others. We need to take care of them; we shouldn't disrespect what God has given us, and we don't want to further the negative image of the church by appearing as if we are uncared for when we have more care than our brains will ever be able to fathom. Number five is the same as four, take care of your insides as well as your outside (and personally, I just need a reminder to take a vitamin, it's so easy to forget). And six is because as silly as it sounds to schedule in leisure time, it is just as easy to fall into a routine of all work and come to despise our own existence. So it is important to make sure you give yourself time to fall into a world of fantasy, or learn something new, or just do whatever it is you really want to do. I have yet to get a job, but this schedule is doable with an eight-hour workday and all the "everyday" activities (meals, shower, commute, etc).

The point is, I know myself well enough that if I don't have things planned out to get done in a day, I won't do them. A nap on the couch is far more appealing than going to the gym. Watching an entire season of a tv show on Netflix is far more appealing than studying. But if it becomes part of my routine, I will not feel like my day is complete until I have been able to check those things off my list; so I'll let the naps and mindless hours trolling pintrest go, to make sure I get the more important things done. Maybe you're different than me, actually I hope you are, otherwise that's a bit creepy, but I know there are plenty of people who function in a similar enough manner that you can understand what I'm getting at with all of this.

Having said all of that, I've been working on implementing this in my life instead of just talking about it like I used to. I've been watching a lot of Steven Furtick's messages through my Elevation Church app. He recently published a book called Greater, which I haven't read yet but it is certainly on my list,  but he did a series about it at his church. I would encourage you to check it out; he does really well with relating scriptures to the reality of today and is definitely the kind of preacher that has you reevaluating what you're everyday life looks like, because chances are, we're not doing as good a job representing Jesus as we should. He is absolutely not the type of preacher to condemn you to hell for being human, trust me, I wouldn't be supporting him if he was, he's just really good at showing us where and how our society falls flat.

I've also made it through a few more chapters of the bible classes I've been "taking" since the summer. Really all these classes have been doing is making me guiltily carry around my books but still only open them once a month. I think I made more progress just today than in the past few months combined. There were a few things that stuck out to me in one of the chapters and I wanted to share them here (all quotes are either scriptures or from the textbook).
1. (in reference to Matthew 5:13-16, talking about salt and light) There were many good points, but one thing to think about for each of these: "Salt creates thirst. ... 'Do I make people thirsty enough to seek God for the answers to life's questions?'" // "...light prevents tripping over obstacles... 'Are people safer because they are on the same path as me?'"
2. (in reference to having an attitude of love) "You cannot always choose your circumstances, but you can always choose your attitude." Matthew 5:48 (msg): "In a word, what I'm saying is, grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. [italics are mine, not in text]"
3. "Just remember that regardless of your present circumstances, the end of the story is still being written for you." (in reference to Matthew 5:48 and Matthew 6:33-34)
4. (in reference to Romans 12:12) "Impatience puts my comfort before God's plan."
and last but not least,
5. Romans 12:11: "Keep your spiritual fervor." 1 Thessalonians 5:19: "Do not put out the Spirit's fire." "...we have a personal responsibility to maintain that fervor, that fire! We cannot excuse ourselves based on feelings or emotions."

The last one is full of meaning for me, and is ultimately why I am posting right now. I find the "coincidences" of my life so humorous sometimes; this is no exception:
1. If you know anything about my "222" thing, you'll understand well. The gist is that the number has stalked me for a few years and I believe it holds a certain significance.
2. I love the poetry from pairing the word "fervor" with some significant precursor. That's why my user name on here is Traveling Fervor.
3. Based on this entire post, you now understand my need to maintain a consistent passion for Christ.

Bring together those three "coincidences" and you'll get this blog post from me. Ah "coincidences", you're too funny...

Rambling Pensiveness

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm in a state of transitions and I'm not sure what they all mean, let alone what they all are. I guess I'll start with school transitions. I've got two weeks left in my second year of grad school. Honestly, there are a lot of times that I'm surprised I made it this far. Some of you may know the internal struggles I've gone through from just about day 1 since I started. I've had issues being up here in just about every realm of life, yet somehow I've managed to stay in my program (probably out of sheer unwillingness to give up-a blessing and a curse I suppose, but I have no doubts I'm made this way for a reason). Anyway, while finishing my second year may not seem like any big deal, to me it's pretty huge. I only have one semester of classes left after this before working solo on my dissertation. Granted there are still many hurdles before I get to that point, but my class load, the last classes I will ever have to take in my life (that's a wonderful thought!) are mere months from being completed. The real world for me kind of starts there. I will need to manage my own time to complete my dissertation, find funding, and hopefully, find a job while I'm writing or at least set one up for when I graduate. It's weird to me to be in this place. I certainly feel more like an adult than I ever have in my life, but it's still weird to take that step back, look at yourself, and try to figure out how you actually because this real person. I am being ridiculously inarticulate and frankly, cheesy about this, but again I find myself unable to really express what's going on in my head. Along with starting my final semester of classes in a few short months, I will also be living in a new apartment. No, I don't know where yet, but my roommate and I know that living next to our ridiculously loud neighbors is certainly not conducive to schoolwork, let alone dissertation writing. Hopefully, in a few months time, we will be living in a nice place outside of all the noise that is Binghamton, with a backyard to relax in.

In terms of jobs, I have been free of the restaurant a few short weeks and it has been wonderful. However, this also means I will need a new job for the summer to pay the bills. I have a possibility lined up and it would actually be quite ideal if it works out. My main goals for this summer are to get a first draft of my prospectus completed, do some research toward my dissertation, get back in shape, and have some fun time with friends. The job I am hoping pulls through is to work the desk at the gym I currently attend. This job would actually make all of my summer goals more than possible. While sitting at the desk I will have plenty of time to research and write. I will get a free membership to the gym for the summer and it seems like I have some good resources to switch shifts for the few days I want to hang out with my friends. Plus, having this job would obviously allow me to pay for my apartment, car, phone, and all the other materialistic crap that we undoubtably "need" being brought up in the U.S.

That last statement is obviously something else that has been on my mind. I love technology; being brought up in my generation it's hard not to. Yet for all of the "stuff" I have, I've been growing to kind of hate it. As much as I love playing on Facebook and obviously I enjoy writing in my blog and so many other things, I hate being so connected to everything. This is part of what came to pass in Romania. Obviously, no cell phone, very limited internet, nothing going on it that sense. I miss that. I kind of hate my blackberry right now. If I could, I'd get a crappy, first generation cell phone and keep it off unless there was an emergency--you know, the reason why cell phones originally became popular--not to be engulfed by emails, texts, Facebook notifications, tweets, and I don't even know what else. I love Conner, especially since I got the title in the mail (I own my first car, so cool!) but I'm dying to be able to ride my bike to school rather than driving everywhere (and if the stupid weather in Binghamton didn't suck, I could actually do that). Even now as I'm typing this (which like I mentioned, I realize is a bit hypocritical since I'm on a computer, posting a blog and complaining about being too connected) I have to stop to check all of the emails that just came to my phone. If I had my way, I would pick one way to be this connected and say screw the rest. Let me have my blog I'll be just fine traveling, working, and doing whatever else minus the phone, the emails, the texts, Facebook, and the like. Again, I know I'm being hypocritical because I live in the U.S. and I will continue to play on Facebook and text all of my friends, but I'm so annoyed at it all and at myself for enabling it to continue. I joke with a lot of my friends about this but maybe one day I really will just become a hermit and only come out of my little hole to travel before ducking back inside.

Along with these transitions in school and adulthood and the like, I feel like I'm finally transitioning out of my past. While I realize there are billions of people who have had much worse lives than I will ever have, I've had a pretty trying 23 years so far (if you know me well enough you obviously know the big points, if you don't maybe one day I'll decide to talk about some of them here-no guarantees). There have been some events and some people that have been weighing me down for years and as hard as I've tried to move past them, there always seems to be that tether that's able to drag me right back down when I least expect it. But I think being away from PA for a while now has helped me to finally realize what I let myself get sucked into. Ultimately, there is only so much that you can do in life and for me to try to please everyone and pretend like everything is fine will never happen. Acceptance and growth. I'm sure I will upset people in the future and it will seem like I have no regard for people's feelings but at this point I really need to do what's best for me and what I feel I'm called to do. There are people in your life who mean well and ultimately make things worse; if it's insensitive to make the choice not to go under then fine; I'm a jerk. It's something I'll have to live with at this point because I can't keep worrying every single day about things that are in the past. I can't control my past but I can control my future, and I choose to move forward and live a life that will make me as happy as I can be here on earth.

There are still so many other things I've been thinking about. I think if I continued to talk about them all this entry would end up being obscenely long. I don't want to make anyone have to read that much. Which, apparently, is quite a few people: in the last four days I've had more people come up to me and talk to me about my blog than I ever knew even knew of its existence. I'm a little shocked to know that many people actually read this stupid thing (I say stupid because I'm obviously still a bit resentful to technology, hypocritical as I'm being right now). So for all of you who have revealed yourselves as readers (and the others who they must have found out from, who I still don't know who they are) thanks for checking out my random ponderings, ramblings, rants, joys, and so on. It's cool to know that anyone at as is interested in anything I have to say. Which has been another thing on my mind actually, the lack of value of what I have to say in the grand scheme of things, but I'll save that rant for another time. For now, I'll just say that as much as I feel like I've figured out about myself and my life recently, I still feel like I'm ultimately so lost. It's the old, for every door that closes two open in its place thing. There are so many doors open in front of me. While there are some I obviously will be going through, there are so many more that leave me wondering what's next. Maybe I'll never know; it's all part of life, but every now and again I get very pensive and rambling is my only outlet. This entry probably doesn't even make much sense, it has basically been a stream of consciousness anyway. So my apologies for those of you trudging through this thing hoping for some sort of revelation; I don't know if you really got anything out of it at all; I'm not even sure I did, but talking in circles helps me clear my head (ironic as that is). Next time I'll make sure I've got a more straightforward message to convey. As straightforward as anything is in life these days anyway.