Flooded with Power and Authority; Overcome with Humility

I've spent the better part of the last two days trying to explain to people what has been going on in my life the last two weeks and even now I still am failing miserably at finding words to convey the impact Outbreak and our ministry is having on me.

This past week Outbreak was blessed to be able to take over regular Sunday church. To sum it up: we were a hit. Everything went over so well, John's message was great, and as far as I can tell, everything went flawlessly. I know everyone attending was blessed by the word John preached. I know those of us helping run the show that day left on such a Jesus high because we were just so blown away by everything. But no one will every fully know what this day meant to me and how immensely my spiritual walk was affected.

The funny thing is, I went into this being terrified of having to pray on stage, thinking this would be a huge step forward for me in that aspect of my faith; I left that day with praying in public not even being on my radar. As you may or may not have read in my last post, I was asked to speak about tithing in front of the congregation for both services and then pray over the offering. I was very nervous about this all morning, but it went very well actually. The second service went much better than the first (not that first was even bad) but a practice run will help anyone improve. After I had already done it once, it wasn't really a big deal anymore. What really shook my foundations was what happened after I prayed for second service.

Let me take a step back here, and fill you in on a few things before I pick up and finish that thought. A few days earlier John called me and asked if I wanted to baptize the girls from our group during second service on Sunday. I said I would love to, how amazing of an opportunity is that? Honestly though, after I agreed, I didn't really think about it much; I was still really nervous about the praying thing, so that consumed every other thought. On Saturday night however, we had a meeting to go over how the next day would work and start setting things up. Two things happened here that really struck home. First, John read us all a scripture that is now planted in my heart and will forever remain a focal point of this crazy journey God has put me on. The verse is Jeremiah 1:5-10:

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said, “Look, I have put my words in your mouth! Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms. Some you must uproot and tear down, destroy and overthrow. Others you must build up and plant.”

The second thing that happened, was that John was explaining to us how unheard of it was for us to do what we were doing. Basically, anyone else who has taken the stage to preach for Sunday service has had to be certified and on staff for a long time and have gone through a lot of other things before they were able to take that big step. John however has been on staff only a few months and has not even been certified in ministry yet, so it is a huge deal that this is happening. Clearly God is showing Himself in all of this to let it happen. What struck me about this though, was even though John was talking about himself with this, it was hitting home for me as well. When I was baptized at this church six years ago, I was told I could have person A, B, or C baptize me because they were an elder of the church and  had been around long enough to be fully immersed in everything on this church campus. Maybe things have changed since then, but it felt pretty unheard of for me to be stepping into this tub to do the baptizing. It finally struck me during this meeting just how great of an honor this was.

So after I prayed for the offering in second service, I was blessed to announce that we would be performing baptisms while the band continued to play. I went backstage and after Jeremiah baptized the guys, I stepped down into that tub and began baptizing the girls. I stood in that water, looking up at the first girl walking down at me, and all I could think was what authority do I have to be standing in this tub baptizing people? This thought was playing on repeat in my head as I watched this girl approach me; it was a thought of humbleness though, not a thought of worthlessness. I began to speak into the first girl's ear and as I did the same question was still running through my spirit; however, I could also feel an overwhelming power and authority rushing through my body. My authority; My power; that is what you have. I have given it to you to touch the nations. Touch their hearts; change them; bring them home to me. Whoa. This flood of power and authority rose in me, overflowed, and poured out into these girls as each one was brought to their symbolic death.

I will never be the same. I hope they will never be the same either. These girls have thanked me over and over again--during service, after service, later that night on facebook--for what I did for them by baptizing them. I try to explain it but they will never know what they did for me that morning. I'm not exaggerating when I say I will never be the same. I have honestly never felt this way in my walk with Christ.

After service ended I ran into Hope. Hope is a wonderful woman of God with a generous, loving, beautiful spirit. Hope is the woman who baptized me six years ago. We both felt it; there is a bond from sharing an experience like baptism. We clung to each other with tears in our eyes as she told me how proud she was of me and how excited she was for what God was doing in my life. She explained what an amazing feeling it was for her to see me baptizing because it was like a passing down of the generations. She felt a sense of pride for me since she had been the one there for me. Even now, tears come to my eyes thinking about it. There is just such an emotional connection that it comes bursting out of me in unexpected ways (especially if you know my aversion for crying in public). I also feel like all of these words are superficial; I honestly don't know if the words exist to truly grasp the feelings that we shared in that moment. All I know is that I was truly struck to the core by it.

So here I am, feeling like a completely different person, shocked and awed at how different my life is from two days ago, a week ago, a month ago. Here I am, less than an hour away from the first meeting of a young adult girls group that I am leading. Here I am, completely humbled, completely at peace, completely loved. Here I am, watching with wonder at what God will do next, excited for whatever part He has in store for me. God is so good. Jesus will change your life forever. Try Him, nothing will ever be more worth it.

God is a Comedian

Isn't it funny how we can let every excuse possible get in the way of things? I said I was coming home to work on ministry and would have a lot more time open to updating this thing and yet, here I am, several months from my last post, trying to recap it all in a few paragraphs, again. Ha. The thing is though, it is hard sometimes to feel like I have something significant enough to say. If I'm going to type a long post for people to read, I'd like it to be meaningful and worthwhile, you know? I know I ramble a lot but I don't want to really waste everyone's time either. And that it what has me finally logging back on here today: something significant, at least to me it is anyway.

The short version of the last few months is this: while I was occupied with school things, I was doing really well about trusting God to provide in terms of a place to live and a job and everything else. The minute I actually came home and was living my sister's spare bedroom without a job, that trust all but disappeared. I spent weeks stressing about getting a job and applying like mad to everything I could find. I'm not saying looking for a job is a bad thing, but when you hear God telling you to do things, you have to trust Him to follow through with the entire plan. There is no such thing as 50% trust; you either do, or you don't, end of story. The point is, as soon as I got home I spent all of my time fretting over how to survive with worldly things and didn't spend a single thought on any of the reasons I was actually called home to begin with. I finally took a look around and realized how out of whack I let my priorities slip. Something had to give, and God was so ready for it.

Months ago, I purchased the book Sun Stand Still to read for our ministry at Outbreak. To be completely honest, I didn't read it right away. I was on fire for the big changes in my life and fully distracted by them (and closing the chapter of my life in Binghamton) that I didn't get around to it. But like I always say, I don't believe in coincidences; so when I finally did pick up this book and start reading it, it was in that exact moment that I needed to turn my priorities around. It is a great book and definitely kicked my butt into gear. I went home that night and prayed in my car for God to help me re-prioritize and to help push me forward to do the things He wants me to do.

The very next night at Outbreak, John asked me to come up on stage and pray for the entire group. This may not seem like a huge deal to most people, which is why everyone thought I was crazy for being as freaked out as I was over it. To me however, this has always been a huge fear. Ask me to talk on stage? Sure. Ask me to be an idiot in front of a group of people? No problem. But for some reason, praying in public has always terrified me. For years I had a family asking me to pray over meals and I pleaded with them for long minutes before they would finally have someone else do it. Why does this freak me out so much? I have no clue. None. It's not rational. Yet, it has always been the biggest "flaw" in my Christianity. So I'm standing in front of the stage worshipping, counting the seconds for the songs to end when I will have to ascend the stairs, grab a mike, and try to say something coherent, when I just start laughing. All of the sudden I can just see so much humor in the situation. God knows our hearts. He knows every little thing about us. I have an idea of where God plans for me to be in the future, it was the journey to get there that I've been clueless on. So when I prayed for God to get me going, He thought, "Ok, you want to be a leader? I'll make it happen, but first I want you to do the one thing that terrifies you most." I'm not sure if you can see the humor in this or not, but it all hit me at once and was absolutely hilarious. God is awesome, and while I was still terrified to talk into that microphone, I could just feel Him chuckling at how silly I was being about it.

As with most things that scare us, when I finished praying I came off the stage thinking it wasn't so bad and unsure of why it terrifies me so. What I said was fine, and while I was so nervous that I spoke softly and it was really hard to hear me, everyone told me it was great and were really supportive. What's so terrifying about people loving you? But God's humor is not a momentary thing. I knew I had just broken a barrier with this one prayer on a public stage, but I did not know how things would progress from here. I had these glamorous visions of preaching a message the next week as if I was hot stuff because of one barely audible prayer. Why are we always so prideful? Clearly, no such thing happened. What did happen however, was that I was invited to a staff meeting where the ante was upped and my bluff was called. Ok, I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers. That was doable; I had survived. But hey, why don't you pray over our meeting? Yea, the meeting with all of the lead pastors in the church. That's not scary at all. Do you sense the sarcasm? But at least I'm keeping God entertained because He certainly was beyond a mere chuckle now. Again, it went well, and afterward I felt accomplished and knew I was making progress through this fear. An hour and a half later however, God had tears in His eyes laughing at me. I prayed in front of a group of high schoolers; I even prayed in front of the small group of pastors; now I get to pray in front of the entire adult congregation on Sunday morning, for both services. God has a wild sense of humor; He is hilarious. And I'm terrified, but so stoked at what He is doing in my life: huge things are coming.

So along with God doing these crazy things in me to help me on the path he has carved out for my life, I'm about to launch a girls small group out of Outbreak. We'll meet every other week and I'll be heading it up. I even have keys to the church now. God is wild. It's insane to me to see how my life has progressed in the last month, let alone the last six months. Huge things are happening in me and in the church. I'm so blessed and humbled by what God is able to make happen and I can't wait to watch it develop in me and everyone around me. I may not have a job, I may be living in my sister's spare bedroom, I may not be able to pay my bills next month, but you know what? Life is good. God is awesome and when you make Him your number one priority, nothing else can hold you down. Trust Him completely and He will make your wildest dreams come true, not to mention keep your head above water in the mundane tasks of everyday life.

Until next time!

Life Change full of #ContagiousLove

Here it is: the "long-awaited" entry about what has been happening in the past few months of my life and the reason why my posts have been less than scarce. The short version? I'm quitting school; I'm moving back to PA; I'm stepping up into my calling of ministry. The long version? It's full or fear, hesitation, blessings, glory, sacrifice, and honor. It's also long--if you are new to my blog, you have officially been warned; if you've been here before, well then you already understand my definition of long. But here goes nothing!

I've always had a missionary heart. I've always felt called to the high school/college age group. I've always felt like I've gone through all of the crap in my life so I can help others through it. Feel free to read any/all of my previous entries to get a sense of these things/my life. So when I graduated from ESU the same summer that Nathan moved to California with Clarity, I was dying to join them. I didn't. That was the first real calling I had felt God place on my heart and I slowly made excuses and talked it away. Almost my entire first year of grad school in New York was plagued with thoughts of guilt about this. Every day I was doing research about missions trips, getting credentialed, jobs in CA, you name it. And every day, I talked myself into staying at school. My family would be so disappointed. My old teachers/friends would look down on me. Most of my friends/family won't understand why I'm giving up an education for church. It's so far away. It's only a few years, maybe I'll go when I'm done. Maybe God didn't really put that on my heart... And on and on my mind took me; down the rabbit hole of doubt and disbelief. The funny thing is, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and there is no question that God placed that on my heart.

But God sees time differently than we do. We think time is linear--it has a beginning, middle, and end; but God sees all of time at once. He knows what He wants us to do, what we will do, and what the outcome will be. God knew I wouldn't go, but He placed that so strongly on my heart so it would affect me down the road. Until that time however, He used the fact that I stayed to build other qualities in me for when the time was right. I was awarded a teaching assistantship at school. Unlike most TA jobs though, I was actually teaching two courses without another professor interacting with my students. For all intents and purposes, I was a college professor; the only thing missing was the three little letters behind my name (PhD). I taught two classes a semester for four semesters; that's a lot of time working both one on one and with groups of teenagers as instructor, mentor, and friend. I have no doubts that God used this time to build my experience level with the exact age group He had always put on my heart.

I continued to dislike school however. In all reality, teaching was my favorite part of being at Binghamton. The program I was there to study in, was only a physical place for me to go to; mentally, I was always elsewhere. I managed to get by, but I was only biding my time and trying to make the years go by so I could finally escape the place that had become a prison to my heart. I felt like I was living a double-life; trapped in a nightmare at school, trudging through, praying the years would fly by (which is a terrible way to think in your early-twenties), versus my home life on weekends and school breaks where I was involved in church and other activities that made me feel engaged, interested, and excited. I knew I couldn't keep this lifestyle up but was too afraid to make any changes to the course that was plotted for me. Fortunately, I had several road blocks pop up a few months ago. I won't detail them here, because they sound like things got difficult and I wasn't willing to work hard or was afraid and running away or whatever. Even through the eyes of a Christian it would appear that way and I don't blame people for questioning me when I talk about it. All I can say, is that I really felt God speaking to me through these events. Basically, the time had come; all of the lessons I had been taught, all of the guilt I felt for not following His call, everything had compiled to this moment where I was meant to step out of the boat.

I started praying more deeply about everything in my life and God gave me the courage to completely rearrange it. I had made my decision: I was going to leave school. I made contact with several people about it because I wanted to be held accountable; I didn't trust myself not to chicken out. I fortunately had a lot of support from close friends and Jeremiah and the rest of the VanScoten clan. I mustered up the courage to tell my family; some took it well, others didn't, but they had no choice to accept that I am an adult and needed to "make my own mistakes" (sadly, not all of my family members are Christians, so they couldn't understand a lot of how I was feeling). As difficult as dealing with all of this was (and trust me when I say it was difficult, getting acceptance from my immediate family members took a few weeks and several "family meetings"), the hard part was still to come: I had to tell my professors, friends, and roommate up at school. I put it off for weeks. Trying to come up with any possible excuse for why I was leaving school; something I could tell them that wouldn't leave me defending my decision in days worth of debates. Nothing came; but time hadn't stopped ticking. I had no choice but to just tell them how unhappy I was and had finally made the decision to follow my heart. Honestly, my roommate and friends have not taken it well. They cried; they argued; they pleaded; they guilted; they told me I'd regret it; told me I was making a huge mistake; told me I was being dumb; heartless; immature. They still openly say I need to change my mind and that I have a few more weeks before the semester is over to correct my mistake. To say it has been hard to bear is an understatement, but thankfully God has given me peace in His plans for my life (and has been stalking me with the verse Jeremiah 29:11).

It hasn't all been as difficult however. God poured blessings and grace on me as I continued to pursue His plans regardless of the reactions of my friends. I spoke with professors in my department about it. They told me they could see I had clearly thought everything through; that they respected me too much to try to convince me to follow a path that would make me miserable; that they knew what it was like to disappoint people in pursuit of a life they wanted. They even told me they would welcome me back at any time in the future if something happened and I decided I did want the degree after all. This was a huge relief to the anxiety I had been carrying. I needed to talk to the department that I taught for as well. When I spoke to my superior, she told me she had done a very similar thing and dropped out of school very near the end; she told me all about the negative feedback people gave her and how happy her life turned out because she followed what was in her heart. She is even going miles out of her way to get me recommendations and certifications before I leave in May to help me get a job when I return home. God gave me so much confirmation through her words and actions. Words fail me at how awesome He is when I think back on these few meetings went.

While all of this has been going on in New York, I have been having meetings at my church in PA. I have become part of the leadership team for an emerging high school ministry called Outbreak. Again, words fail me at how pumped I am to be a part of this. I have no doubts in the slightest that God has called me here at exactly this time, for exactly this reason. My heart bursts for the girls I have already gotten slightly acquainted with and I can't even imagine the lives Jesus will touch through me. I couldn't possibly be more excited to know that in a few short weeks I will have moved back to PA and be around and working on this ministry full time. I am so unbelievably blessed.

So that's the story, at least, the story so far anyway. I'm finally stepping out of the boat and following Jesus for real. It's terrifying because the unknown is always terrifying; especially in this world where we are ruled by money and job titles. But more than anything it is exhilarating! If you take nothing more from this entry, take this: ignore the fear and trust God. I've always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 but I'm finally starting to live it. When you step out in faith, God provides, blesses, and honors you. All I want to do with my life is to show people how awesome He is because there is truly nothing and no one greater. He is peace, love, joy.

Step out of the boat. Don't look back. Keep your eyes on Him and you will do miracles. Philippians 4:13. Welcome home!